Wednesday, January 25, 2006

TMNT Chocolate Flavored Characters

Last week was Review the World’s one-year anniversary; I didn’t make a bunch of fuss about it on the site, partly because I’ve been swamped with college, but we’ve officially been around for a full year.  Fans and friends can send their support, money, tacos, old comic books, used condoms, old VHS copies of The Gate, and any other miscellany to me where I’ll receive it gladly—just e-mail me first.

Today, we’re talking about two of life’s little pleasures, chocolate, and more importantly, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  I got this item as a gift for Christmas.  It might not seem like much to the average person, which is fair, but for me, it’s little unexpected presents like this that make the holiday so much fun.  I was just as excited opening this, as I was when I beat Bionic Commando for the first time at the tender age of 8.

The box artwork is bright and superfluous, but lacking substance, much akin to the cadre of girls I dated in high school.  I do admit to the images of Michelangelo dressed as Santa Claus winning me over, garnering a big smile ever time I glimpse them.  The tagline on the front, “Fresh from the Sewer” leads me to worry a bit, though.  It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it?  Being as how we, as educated folk, don’t equate sewers with freshness.  Unless you’re sleeping with Swamp Thing, and if that’s the case, I think I can speak for all of us when I say, “that’s hot!”

Here’s our green goliath in all his glory.  Michelangelo, the comedy relief of the team, was chosen at random, to be the first chocolate turtle to become better acquainted with my mouth.  The artwork on these foil wrappers was very well done, for what it’s worth, which ultimately, is very little.

What the fuck?  Now, I’m expecting a chocolate ninja turtle, and I get… this?  What is it?  It’s like a miniature chocolate reproduction of Dracula’s casket.  I was expecting a piece of delicious chocolate featuring the likeliness of my favorite crime fighting turtle team, and instead, get a oddly shaped mockery of no discernable origin.  Maybe it’s me, like, perhaps my standards are too high; but wouldn’t you expect something more?  I can’t put it in words precisely, but just starring at that odd chunk of chocolate dumbfounds me beyond comprehension.

Mikey, you were never my favorite, but I still had a place for you in my heart.  Right next to Gonzo (Muppet Babies), Roadblock (G.I. Joe), Jazz (Transformers), Bleeding Gums Murphy (The Simpsons), and other lower-tier characters that didn’t quite have what it took to be my favorite of their respective bunches.  In your own way, I think you’d appreciate me eating this strangely shaped piece of chocolate, especially if I had used it as a pizza topping.

The chocolate was your typical, generic, Easter variety fare; nothing to write home about, but perfectly edible.  Well, that was until a few weeks later, when I went to eat Donatello and found an odd white chalky residue all over his chocolate offering.  I ate it anyway.

In conclusion, this was a swell Christmas gift, and I enjoyed receiving it and eating it.  My closing words are, come next year, seek out at least one or two items like this as small gifts to give, as they’re a lot of fun.  Your significant other’s father doesn’t want socks; get him some ginger ale and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle inspired candy, he’ll think a lot differently about you from that day forward.

Overall Grade: B- 

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Postcard #2

Raphael: I guess stingrays are kind of rad.

Michelangelo: They’re totally tubular, dude!

Leonardo: Whose turn was it to buy the Trojans?

Michelangelo screams.

All: Mikey!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

McDonald's Breakfast

I got a McDonalds gift card from a member of my fiancĂ©’s family for Christmas.  This is one of those gifts you get that just, well, screams that the purchaser has no idea whatsoever to buy the recipient.  I’m not pointing fingers, though; this happens to thousands each year.  However, given the option, I’d rather eat Indian food, or visit a Chinese buffet, or hell, even eat a rotting corpse before I’d step foot in a McDonalds.  I thought about selling the gift, but was usually too preoccupied sitting on our new couch, watching old episodes of Tales From the Crypt, to actually go out and exert energy attempting to find a buyer.  Amanda’s car was being repaired, so I had to take her to work one morning at 5:00AM.  On the way back to our apartment I had an epiphany… I’ve got a plastic card that will score me some free breakfast, even if it is from hell itself!

After complications, which I won’t get into for brevity sake, let’s just say “intolerable fucking staff”, I finally got my sack of saturated fat and hurried home to ingest my goodies.  The first thing that struck me as completely frivolous was the following statement, “I’m gold’n”, which was plastered on the side of my beverage cup.  I can most assuredly say that a few hours later, while I was sitting painfully on the toilet, I was feeling far from “gold’n”.

I got Hi-C as opposed to say, orange juice or coffee, for no discernable reason or purpose outside of personal taste.  I suppose that’s a rather complicated way or saying I really wanted Hi-C.  It makes me contented.  Suffice to say, it was easily the most redeeming part of this meal.  Secondly, you’ll see the infamous McDonalds hashbrown.  Kick a little salt on it, and some ketchup; if you’re that type of girl, you’ll find it swell enough.  It doesn’t have a lot of flavor, outside of grease; so don’t get your hopes up.

Now, for the record, here’s an item from McDonalds that I don’t despise.  A sausage McMuffin with egg and cheese, truly a palatable powerhouse if ever there was one.  I’ve actually been getting these since I was in elementary school.  I remember feeling overjoyed when, on a family trip to Columbus, Ohio in my youth, I awoke in a hotel with a serious case of “bed head”, only to find a McMuffin waiting my awakening.  There’s a lot of flavor going on here, although I doubt anyone would consider this a healthful choice, it’s arguably one of the better tasting things on their breakfast menu.  A warning, though, their sausage is almost guaranteed to tear up your stomach—so be prepared to spend some time perched on porcelain later on.

Lastly, we’ll discuss this edible atrocity, the horrid breakfast burrito.  I’ve had these in the past, and although they’re uniformly revolting, I still oddly find myself getting them every full moon or so.  Mark my words… I will never eat a McDonalds breakfast burrito again.  This thing was dry, flavorless, and ultimately insipid.  There’s not much else I can say about it, outside of it being a food failure of the highest order.  How about, maybe some fresh vegetables, for example?  Whatever the solution might be, they definitely need to reinvent this item and retool it completely.

In closing, I’d recommend avoiding McDonalds at all cost, especially for breakfast.  There are a lot of other restaurants that serve breakfast, and if you can’t make it to a diner or nicer establishment, there are other fast food alternatives, too; even Burger King, for instance, and their French toast sticks are the definition of yummy.  You’ll most likely be able to find something on McDonalds breakfast menu that will appease your hunger, but it’s doubtful you’ll have a satisfying meal, and you can guarantee your stomach won’t appreciate it.

Overall Grade: D 

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Stewie's Mind Erase Elixir

I’d never seen a single episode of The Family Guy, and wasn’t particularly concerned by this statistic, when I eventually gave in sometime last year and got all the requisite DVD box sets from the local library.  After procuring them, I eventually convinced myself late one night that watching them was a better option then spending another hour playing Snood.  At first, I wasn’t too impressed.  I thought the show was trying a little too hard to be clever, and I didn’t find myself taking an interest to it one way or the other.  In the end, I did eventually warm up to the series a lot, although I’m still far from fanatical.  I like all the absurd and obscure pop culture references.

I was at work a few weeks ago, and due to the holidays, they were schilling out all kinds of ridiculous items hoping for that impulse shopper to wander by, and waste their meager earnings.  One such item, today’s review, Stewie’s Mind Erase Elixir was too incongruous to pass up.  The label art suggests “VICTORY WILL BE MINE”, which could possibly be some quasi-political statement; it also states “STUPEFACTION GUARANTEED”, which ultimately, was a fairly truthful declaration.

From seeing the can itself, I presumed it’d be little more than a Red Bull knockoff—a semi-bitter generic golden energy drink concoction.  I busted out a wine glass so you could fully feast your eyes upon the hue and tint of this beguiling beverage.  Upon seeing its bizarre blue color, I was even further enthralled by this mysterious drink.

I thought that it’d be best, and safest, to have some friends around while investigating this questionable consumable.  Jessie, brave soul he is, decided he’d be the first to take a taste.  After swallowing, he made a sour face, as if he’d just watched the terrible film Darkness, and proceeded to tell us his thoughts.  He said it reminded him of a potion from some Nintendo game he couldn’t quite recall the name of, perhaps Wizards and Warriors, but then he trailed off incoherently and started babbling something altogether foreign in origin.  Amanda was next, she took a big gulp, then started to say that the taste reminded her of something… but she couldn’t remember what.  Tired of the inconclusive commentary provided by my counterparts, I leaped into action, and took a sip of Stewie’s signature sauce.  My initial thoughts were… this shit is awful!  It sort of tastes like melted Popsicle, at first, but the aftertaste is very metallic, take giving Ironman a blowjob for example.  The second thing that puzzled me, was… wait a minute… what in the hell is going on?  Who are these odd people in these pictures?  What is this screen I’m looking at, and furthermore, why are all of these ads popping up?  Who in the fuck is Stewie?

Overall Grade: C- 

Sunday, January 1, 2006

Decorate & Eat Snowman Marshmallow Kit

So, it shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that something like this is totally up my alley, as it were.  I was at a dollar store, on a totally unrelated trek, when I stumbled upon this lovely creation near the registers.  I threw 100 pennies at the cashier, and sprinted towards my car in pure unadulterated holiday glee.

The gimmick is simple enough, you get six blank snowmen, and two markers; the rest, as they say, is up to you!  What kind of wonders, or atrocities, could you create?  Imagination is the only boundary, and for a guy who grew up on The Inhumanoids, I’ve sure got plenty of that.

The second photo shows Amanda hard at work, designing a snowman to her own unique liking.  Arguably, the best part of these things is in the creativity portion of the event, as eating them sure as hell wasn’t a blast.

Here are your weapons of choice, the rowdy red and glorious green markers that, in the end, determine your snowman’s fate.  Will your snowman turn out to be a gruesome gladiator, a jolly princess, or a New York taxicab driver?  The possibilities are endless.


First, and foremost, my favorite of the snowmen, Freddy Kruger!  If I only had a little brown fedora and some mangled meat to put on his face to represent his burnt exterior it’d be perfect.  Secondly, Amanda created this little guy, his limbs are loosely inspired by Cartman of South Park, and I can only imagine his glasses are a subconscious homage to Robin.  The third snowman features a lower torso adoring an RtW t-shirt, and highlights of the face include a bloody mouth and laceration.


Here, our first snowman’s painted face reveals his love for The Crow, and his t-shirt is pretty self-explanatory.  Amanda created a snowman wearing a bikini, which supplied us with several solid minutes of laughter.  Lastly, I did a Charlie Brown snowman.  They only supplied us with two colors, so I had to use a highlighter for the shirt.  I tried to do his trademark curl of hairs, but his head ended up looking like Gorbachev’s, which is an easy way to get your lunch money stolen.

The second stage is the eating process, or, judging by the accompanying photos, the tentative chewing of your precious creations.  If you notice, in the first picture, I have a mark on my cheek from the green marker—it randomly shot out of my hands, as if to say, “slow down, you’re just too damn ingenious!”  Amanda gets in on the fun, displaying her cherished thong adorned tropical snowman.  The snowmen madness finally overcame, and then ultimately got the best of me, which resulted in my attempt at edible homicide.

During the festivities, we heard some sounds from the kitchen; by the time we arrived, it was already too late.  The Freddy Kruger snowman had found his first victim.  Take this as a lesson, be careful what kind of snowmen you give birth to, for once they’re on their own, there’s absolutely no controlling them.  You thought the Gremlins were crazy?  A batch of red and green colored snowmen can cause chaos and ruckus with no equal.  You’ve been warned…

Overall Grade: B-