Here we are, bright and early in the morning, on our way to Disney-MGM Studios. I know it’s not the clearest photo, but I was shooting it from inside a rental car with a dirty windshield. Who knows what the guy before me was doing to the windshield to get it this way, but if the photos I found underneath the driver’s seat were any indication, he’s a disturbed man.
That’s me, I’m baking in the sun, no, I’m serious… it was hot! Maybe I just wasn’t used to it, coming off another classically cold Ohio winter and everything. Some reason, thoughts of coldness just ran through my brain, and I visualized Wolverine naked walking around the snowy Canadian wilderness. I was stoked here, of course, as I was getting nearer to entering my first Disney theme park. Look at the flowers on the woman’s shorts to my left, just for the hell of it—or don’t. You looked!
Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring
Aerosmith
When the park first opened
people of all ages ran straight towards the general region of this beast.
Although it wasn’t the first stop on my tour, it was close enough, and
rightfully so. This is an in-door roller coaster, which means it’s
a fast-paced, winding, wild ride in near darkness. It’s a themed
ride, too; Aerosmith is running late for a show, so you hop in a limo and
blast through Hollywood on turbo speed. I think the inventors of
this ride probably did some of the drugs Aerosmith also consumed in their
heyday. You need to experience this at least once, although
for me, I definitely prefer my roller coasters like I prefer lizards… outdoors
Grade:B-
The Twilight Zone Tower of
Terror
Yes! This ride is freaking
brilliant. When you enter the building, you’re engulfed in this eerie
old mansion that’s exquisitely designed. The line leads through a
broiler room, and then you’re seated with about a dozen others in an elevator
shaft. You begin going up, occasionally stopping at a floor where
the door will open, and you’ll witness some form of depravity; my personal
favorite being a pitch dark hallway where distant specks of light appear,
and you feel like you’re actually in the opening credits of the classic
TV show. Sometimes it’s dark, and you’re not entirely sure where
the elevator is going, as it appears to be moving sideways as well as vertically.
Then, you’re at the very top, 13 stories high—and you drop! But,
that’s not it thrill seekers, as the ride is now programmed randomly to
drop you more times and at varying heights. It’s an exhilarating
experience, and easily one of the best thrill rides at any Disney theme
park.
Grade: A+
The Great Movie Ride
The outside architecture is
a replica of the world’s most famous movie theatre in Hollywood, CA.
Interestingly enough, I’ve actually been there (and have been thinking
about selling copies of the video of my Cincinnati to Hollywood trek as
it’s too bizarre to not share) and this replication is startlingly accurate,
right down to the celebrity handprints in the cement in the front courtyard.
Inside, the line twists and turns through what’s designed as an old movie
theatre minus seats. When you finally board the ride, you have a
host, ours sporting an accent that was one-half Jersey, one-half Broadway
musical fan. You’re taken through scenes from several Hollywood movies,
getting the chance to experience them firsthand; the crowds seemed to enjoy
the Alien and Casablanca scenes the most. Another live
actor, a female mobster, actually hijacked our tram after a shoot-out with
a bunch of gangsters.
I didn’t think about taking pictures inside until near the very end. Here’s the Wicked Witch doing what she does best.
I thought this was a nice shot,
featuring our pals from The Wizard of Oz. Overall, being a big movie
buff, I enjoyed this ride. I can see how youngsters might get a little
bored, but it’s largely well designed and entertaining. My only wish
is that they’d incorporate some more films into the ride, including more
contemporary cinema.
Grade: A-
Journey into Narnia: Creating
The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe
What an extreme letdown and
utter disappointment. I grew up on the Narnia books, hell; I even
liked the borderline lame major motion picture. So, when I saw this
on my guide map, a complete surprise attraction based upon one of my all-time
favorite fiction series’ I was stoked. The picture above taken outside
was about the highlight of the experience. After waiting in line
for a little bit, a group of us got to walk through the actual wardrobe
doors (I’ll admit that was cool) and into this dark chilly environment.
Now, we’re all expecting to actually “journey into” Narnia and explore
it… nope! There was no snow, just a white carpet, and a bunch of
trees everywhere. That stuff and a huge screen were we suffered through
a rather long version of the film’s trailer. After that, an actress
playing the White Witch lip-synced to some bad dialogue from the film up
on a perch, and then disappeared. We were then quickly ushered out
so the next suckers could come in and waste 10 precious minutes of their
day. On the way out, there was a small collection of actual props
from the movie in glass classes, which were neat but not enough to defer
everyone’s crummy feelings about what just happened. Essentially,
you have to wait in line to watch the film’s trailer in a dark warehouse
with a group of complete strangers. I’ll never look at Lucy and the
gang the same way again.
Grade: D-
Lights, Motors, Action! Extreme
Stunt Show
Out of all the live shows I
saw during my week of Disney madness, this one easily takes the cake.
As you can see above, this was imported from Disney Studios Paris, and
I have to sincerely thank them for bringing this abroad. The show
lasts a little over a half-hour, and you’ll see firsthand some of the craziest
driving you’ll likely ever get a chance to. I’m not even a car guy,
and I dug this. I mean, the only things I know about cars is mine
gets broken into a lot, they’re good for transportation and occasionally
impromptu sexual escapades, and I’d like a new one.
Here’s one of the stars of the show, and a stunt coordinator guy. I don’t really have anything interesting or funny to say about this, so, let’s just pretend that one of those black barrels contains the corpse of any one of the race car drivers who have met their untimely deaths.
Herbie the Love Bug even made a cameo, but I wasn’t too impressed. I wanted to ask him how it felt to have Lindsey Lohan’s ass on his face for weeks on end while filming that ridiculous movie last year, but I decided against it.
VIDEO CLIP
This is a short video clip
showing one of the driving sequences. Unfortunately, this is one
of the lamer parts, but during the awesome ones I was too busy shitting
my pants with the other thousand yokels.
Yes, in case you’re wondering,
that red car did ramp from the top of one truck to the other; and yes,
it was incredible. The set was really neat, too—one of the biggest
Disney has ever built. There were little cafés and stuff,
not just random bland architecture. You should definitely check this
out if you get a chance before it’s gone.
Grade: A
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
Movie Set Adventure
This isn’t a hot priority on
many people’s list, and is basically a supped up playground, complete with
loud kids crawling everywhere. But, I still remember seeing the first
film in theatres as a loud crawling kid myself, and wanted to check this
out. I had a lot of fun! Yes, there are kids all over the place,
and it’s hard to maneuver around, but there’s a lot to see once inside.
I love this picture. I loved it the moment I took it, and will likely forever hold it dear. The blades of grass are monstrous, that’s a can of Play-Doh, and in the background a Super Soaker shot water on passerby. There were all kinds of neat eye candy like this, my absolute favorite being a large Lite Brite peg!
VIDEO CLIP
This is a video clip of Amanda
riding the film slide. How could we resist?
Here’s my descent as well, but please, don’t ask me what I’m doing with my arms. It looks like I’m half West coast rapper, half Rain Man.
I’m still young at heart. My burning question though, is, what in the hell is wrong with that woman next to me? Now, if I had known at the time I was standing next to a Godzilla villain I wouldn’t have been smiling—I would have been running! She’s ready to eat Tokyo.
Well, now I’m ready to fight
back! That’s my new friend, and “ant” he cute? I made a funny!
Grade: A-