She had blonde hair and nothing better to do. Jill Weathersparrow was her name. Okay, it sounds fake and made up. I know. That’s because it is. Her voice cooed when she sang, especially if she’s drunk. For some reason, I slosh about and trip over things when I’m drunk, but she becomes a good singer. We like to eat doughnuts together in the morning. We’re always the first two people in the morning. Everyday. Must be because no one else cares. We don’t either. I only leave early for her and likewise. She likes the jellied ones, but I can’t stand them. Bowties are my favorite.
Anyways, she had nothing better to do, so we went out for coffee. Nothing special, and yet it was. A little cream for her, but a lot for me and a lot of sugar. She says it’s not really coffee that way, but it’s the only way I can tolerate it. We talked, and she had fun.
“It’s quiet here. Too quiet.”
“That’s the point. I came here to hear and speak to you, not the rest of the café.”
“True, but is it really café-esque with no other chatter in the background?”
“I think it becomes a diner at that point, because they can be dead a lot of times.”
“Café’s can too.”
She slurped as silently as she could. I looked around the room as she sat her cup back down and leaned back. I looked back into her eyes, to signify the conversation is starting again.
“Will you slap me?”
“What? No, why would I do that?”
“Why not? Cause a scene. You won’t really mean it, it’s just for fun.”
“How is that fun? I’m having fun already.”
“Everybody will freak out. That’ll be fun. It’s not like you will really mean it?”
“How do you know? Maybe there will be an underlying intention for me to go along with your slapping game.”
“If there is, I’ll be able to tell, and I won’t pay for your doughnuts.”
“Oh, I see how it is. Anyways, there’s no one here. It’s a waste of time.”
“Well, you’ve got a point. Maybe some other time then?”
She laughed, and replied, “Yeah, maybe.”
“This isn’t going well, is it?”
“Depends on how well you want it to go? If you’re wanting me to be so charmed, I’ll drop my pants right here, no, not that well. But, if you want it to go well enough for me to be attracted to you, by your sense of humor and slight cuteness, its going that well.”
“Oh.”
“So, how well did you want it to go?”
“The first one.”
“You’re a smart ass.”
“And slightly cute, right?”
“It’s getting slighter.”
”This coffee’s good. Do you want anything to eat?”
“No, this is sufficing.”
“Yeah, mine’s really sufficed.”
“That doesn’t really mean anything. It’s not a real word.”
“Well, it sounded good when you said it.”
“I thought you were an English major?”
“Yeah, so?”
“You should be able to speak better than that.”
“I just need to speak well enough to impress you.”
“Then, please, try harder because I am sitting here unimpressed.”
“Give me time…and beer. Lots of beer. That’ll impress you.”
“Do you want some? There’s a party going on. We could go, if you wanted.”
“Sounds good. So, you want to ditch the coffee?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s fine, wasn’t strong enough. Wasn’t impressed.”

My car barely rolled out of the parking lot. It didn’t like to be out at night. It really didn’t like to be anywhere but home. Waking it up in the morning was hell. It slept in a lot. Jill kept her hands folded on her lap. She moved her head a little to the radio. I knew the words, but I had no idea what song it actually was playing. Don’t you hate that? I do it constantly. I’m glad I didn’t have to work the next morning.
“Do you have to work tomorrow?”
“No, I’m off. Yeah, Tom said he didn’t need me, so I said I didn’t need him. Just his money.”
“Well, not really his money. He’s the manager, but very little of anything there is his.”
“Yeah, right.”
Abrupt and awkward, like most conversations with your grandma, especially when you have something to tell her that you know she isn’t going to like or understand. My grandma died last year. It was a somber procession. This party was looking pretty wild. Toilet paper littered a large tree in the front lawn, and it was only a little past ten. I’m sure the cops are just waiting for midnight to walk in with threats of arresting under age kids that are hanging out. I really knew nothing about Jill, besides her name and I could have probably guessed her bra size, but other than that, I wondered her favorite color or cereal or when she first rode a roller coaster. These were things I wondered about her.
Parking was fine. Getting inside was fine. Getting run into by a spiffed up fifteen year old as soon as we walked in was not that cool. And seeing my sister in the corner lighting up a spliff wasn’t cool, either. Nor was it my concern. I arranged two beverages for us and found an empty couch that was begging to be sat on by two people who actually had something intelligent to say. I started off our words.
“This is some party. Who’s throwing it?”
“Tom Danniger. He’s from another school, Christian Middlewood.”
“Wow, I haven’t seen him since… well, I don’t know him, actually.”
“He’s a pretty nice guy. I met him through church last year.”
“You go to church?”
“Yeah, on occasion, when I had a wild Saturday night. Do you?”
“Yeah, but only to pick up chicks. Have you ever seen a Catholic girl drunk and wearing a pirate costume? It brings a tear to my eye every time I think about it.”
“I was that girl.”
“Oh, that’s right. I knew I recognized you, Captain. How’s Polly?”
“Oh, he’s fine; he’s just a little crackers.”
“Ooooh, that was really bad. I can’t believe you pulled that one out.”
“Yeah, well, I thought it was funny.”
“I’m sure all the ladies at the retirement home laugh at that one too.”
She laughed her pretty laugh, and then hit me in the shoulder.
“You’re mean. That’s not a good quality.”
“Yeah, but the meaner I seem now, the nicer I’ll seem the more beers you drink. Speaking of, do you want another one?”
“Yeah, sure.”
Beer one.

“I can bend my legs behind my head and lay down flat. I swear I can.”
“No, I don’t believe you. You should be in the circus or something. But not next to the bearded lady cage because no one goes over there and you would be wasting your talent.”
“What about the alligator boy?”
“He’s okay, just a little touchy. Don’t make fun of his eyes.”
“Why his eyes?”
“Because he knows you really want to make fun of his skin, so you cover it up with a joke about his eyes.”

Beer two.

“If you could have had sex with anyone alive in the 60’s, who would it be?”
“I think it would be Katherine Hepburn.”
“That’s a good one. She’s really pretty.”
“Yeah, but that’s not why. I would just want to see how dirty she really was behind closed doors.”
“Okay, you’re just sick.”
“Well, what about you?”
“Of course, Elvis, just to see how long it was.”
“Hello! Don’t hold back; just tell me how you really feel.”
“Okay. I think you’re really cool.”
She leaned over and let her lower lip caress mine ever so softly as she closed her mouth around mine. As quickly as that happened did she pull back.
“That calls for a celebration drink.”

Beer three.
“If only I could have gotten that job this summer out in Naples.”
“Wow, you were going to Italy?”
“No, silly, in Florida. They have a great program for unemployed college hopefuls who haven’t started class yet.”
“Okay, where do I sign up?”
“It’s called my aunt Beatrice. She has so much money; she could buy more time to spend it. But, she’s got nothing to do with it, and so many nieces and nephews, so I couldn’t think of anything better. Plus, she has this gorgeous beach house that sits on a man made beach, but it’s still really awesome.”
“What is a man made beach?”
“It’s artificial. They flew sand in around water and built it up for tourists.”
“What’s the difference? How can anyone tell the difference?”
“Trust me, you can. Stand on their beaches and then go to a real one with the ocean rising up and crashing on the shore, and walk barefoot and let the sand trickle between your toes. Then, you could tell.”
“You are weird.”
“Why am I weird?”
“Because.”
“I think you are drunk or getting there.”
“I’m a man, Jill. It takes a lot for us to get drunk. Even though I only weigh a buck eighty soaking wet, don’t discount my tolerance for alcohol.”
“Sure, no problem. Why don’t you get us another one?”
“Hey, here’s an idea. Why don’t I get us another one?”

Beer Four.

“There’s something really cool about going away, you know. It’s just you and the free world. There’s like, so many people, but you couldn’t be more alone.”
“We should probably slow down, Jill. We’ve had like six beers already.”
“We would have needed to speed up first to slow down. I’ve been keeping pace, so I feel fine.”
“You’re too smart for my own good.”
“Don’t you mean ‘your own good’?”
“That’s what I said, my own good.”
“But, the actual word is ‘your’ own good, not specifically yours, but the person you are talking to.”
“I have no idea what you’re saying right now, but I like it.”
We both laughed and I raid the cooler again.

Beer Five

“My first time, why do you want to know that?”
“I’m just curious, whether you’re an early riser or a late bloomer.”
“Well, since you put it that way, I was fifteen and it was with Sidney Mayflower.”
“That’s it? That’s your whole story?”
“What else should I say? It was in a bed!”
“Typical male answer. No romance.”
“Well, then tell me your great love story, if you think you’re Mother Goose or some shit like that.”
“Okay, I will.”
“Good, go ahead.”
“Well, what do you want to know?”
“What do you mean? What are we talking about?”
“We’re talking about our first time, but which first time do you want to know about?”
“How many are there?”
“Do you want to know about the first time I made love or my first orgasm?”
“Is there a difference?”
“With women, yeah, for sentimentality sake. Wow, you are a late bloomer.”
“It’s not the knowledge or the time, but how you perpetrate the crime.”
She began laughing uncontrollably.
“That is so cheesy, where did you hear that?”
“I honestly have no idea. I’m not even sure what I just said.”
“Well, that makes two of us.”
“Okay, then your first orgasm.”
“That was with my then boyfriend Alex. We had just had a big fight and things happened that sometimes you just go with.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. He must have gotten lucky somehow because I was shocked when it happened. It’s not something I thought he was capable of.”
“Well, he was extremely lucky to have been with you.”
“Thank you. You’re getting cuter as the beers keep coming.”
“I told you I would. That’s what you get when you don’t listen to me.”
“I’ve been listening to you for the last, wow, we’ve been here, like almost three hours.”
“Well, how about one more drink, then I take you home.”
“Okay, sure,” and she let out a burp, followed by our simultaneous laughter.

Beer Six

“This party is really dying down.”
“Yeah, we should go.”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll drive you home, and if you need a ride in the morning to get your car, just call me.”
“That’s cool.”
We stand up to leave, dazed. Jill falls back down on the couch, laughing. I offer my hand. It is accepted. Our legs move in perfect synchrocity as we cross the threshold to my junk pile on wheels. The ride to her house was easy, although normally it would have been frightening when this intoxicated. Ease was a good way to describe us together. I felt like I was being massaged with satin hands until we arrived at her place.
I shut off the engine and looked at her tempting eyes. I was never more excited and scared. I was ready to kiss her goodnight, walk her to her porch, and call it a night. I didn’t know her parents were diving in the Keys this week and her little brother was at baseball camp. Even her dog was in a dog retreat thing that I don’t even know about. She grabbed my hand and led me across the passenger seat. From there, all I saw were a myriad of colors flash around me and her ever-present smile. The green of the grass, the white of the house paneling, the red of her carpeted stairs and the dark of her room. I saw the orange of her candlelight and the beige of her bare skin. There were few words after that, only sounds. Words were unnecessary at this time. I’d felt like I hit a jackpot of sensations that I had longed for all night. Her body warmed mine and we started to sweat. I liked the taste of her sweat. I was gentle and careful and firm with her, especially when I felt her body tighten in my hands. I found myself thinking about our two earlier conversations, and I wondered if my next one would be as good as the previous. We slept like babies in each other’s arms. I awoke like a new body had been given to me. It was bright outside, and she lie as peaceful as a sedated puppy. I kissed her forehead, dressed, and exited the premises.
Jill woke up that morning an hour and twenty minutes after I had left to a loud knocking downstairs. She groggily rose from her slumber and threw on the closest garments to her. When she saw Alex waiting to be let in, she opened the door and walked away. He entered in typical fashion.
“Hey, babe. How are you?”
“I’m awake now, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Don’t get an attitude with me. You didn’t need to sleep all day.”
“I don’t have to work, so what’s the big deal?”
“Where were you yesterday? I kept calling you, thinking you’d want to go to dinner or something.”
Jill was checking the caller ID as he spoke.
“You called once, and didn’t leave a message.”
“Yeah, well, you weren’t here. So, I had to settle for a night out with the guys.”
“I’m sure you were crushed.”
“It was difficult, but I got over it.”
“Yeah, whatever. So, what do you want?”
“To see you, isn’t that enough? I thought you’d be happy to see me.”
“Happy isn’t the word I would use.”
“Well, then what word would you use?”
“Um, indifferent?”
”You know, you’re being a real bitch lately. What’s your problem?”
“Maybe it’s you. Did you ever give that some thought?”
“Maybe it’s that time of the month. That’s a shame. I was wanting to get some today.”
“Maybe you should go find a neighborhood dog, then. They’re more your type.”
“What’s going on here, really? I mean our anniversary was only two days ago, and we had a great night. Now, you’re acting all weird. I can’t figure you out.”
“Alex, maybe we just aren’t right for each other. I haven’t felt for you in a while, actually.”
Silence filled the room like a hot air balloon.
“That’s really funny considering we just slept together two nights ago!”
“Yeah, well, maybe I was trying to give us a second chance, and it was blatantly obvious to me that we aren’t in love anymore.”
“Why do you throw me into this? I am still in love with you! This is something that happened to you.”
“You’re right, it is and I’m not in love with you anymore.”
“Who are you sleeping with? I’ll kill him. I can’t believe you would cheat on me.”
“What are you saying? That you never got a blowjob from that slut Wendy? Was she trying to fix your zipper with her mouth? Come on, Alex, even if I was seeing someone, that’s not why we’re over. I don’t feel for you in that way anymore. I’m past it. I need to move on and so do you. If it makes you feel any better, you can hate me.”
“I do and it will.”
“Okay, well, I’m glad.”
“I want all my shit back. I’m out of here, you bitch.”
The door slammed shut tightly and Jill started to cry a little. I mean, they were together for three years. It doesn’t all go away with the snap of a finger. It will take them both time they feel they don’t have to get through it, but Jill had me. I was going to need her too. I had almost the same conversation with Sidney Mayflower, my first and frequent lover. We had been loosely associated over the last six years. It was something I had never thought of letting go before, but when I really thought of what it meant to me, it was nothing. In the long run, at least. She’s no one I could live with the rest of my life. So, I cut my ties to her, and thought only of Jill. She may be surprised when I tell her I was involved with someone, and she isn’t and all that happened, but we made a connection and that is so rare in life, it means more to me than six years of meaningless sex.
We had another conversation that day at the old café on the corner of St. Clair, after we had picked up her car and drove it home. It was the best one yet. I’m of the belief that when something dies, it makes way for something else to live. Well, in those twenty-four hours, two people killed their fear and inhibition to truly be happy and it made way maybe not for a new life, but at least a new outlook. The direction of my life was changed in one day, and I am grateful. She had blonde hair (now it’s dyed black) and nothing better to do than fall in love with me.

- Jessie