One on One with: Bowser

It's not that often you get to meet one of the truly dastardly villains of our time and age.  I'm much too young to have met Mussolini or Hitler, far too liberal and unconnected to meet George Bush and Darth Vader...well, quite simply, he doesn't exist.  But, to find true evil mastermind genius in this day and age, that's actually approachable (and by approachable, i mean several dozen calls to his secretary and monetary bribes), look no further than the gargantuan King of Koopaland.  So, as I sit here in lovely Springdale, OH at a local Dave & Buster's Games & Food waiting for this legendary advesary, I ponder: what's really inside this man (or dragon? that should be one of my questions!)- is it just meat and bones and blood and hatred, or is there a heart?

He was 15 minutes late.  I ordered an appetizer.  Finally he arrived, and he was just as rude as I'd hoped, pushing people out of his way, his shell kind of got stuck in the cramped aisleway but he made it into the dining room.

JR= Me
KB= the King

JR: It's a pleasure to meet you.  I hope you don't mind- I ordered us some stuffed mushrooms.
KB: No mushrooms please.
JR: Okay, waiter (speaking to waiter) you can bring the mushrooms and set them down right in front of me.
KB: Let me get 5 steaks while I'm waiting.  And a Long Island Ice Tea.
JR: Let's get right into it:  Where were you born?
KB: It's a bit of a mystery, I remember primordial ooze and a cracking noise, then I saw my parents.
JR: You remember seeing them?
KB: First meal of my life.
JR: .............
KB: Hey waiter, bring some A1 out here- I know there's some back there.
JR: So, you're this famous bad dude.  But on the other side of the coin, tell me about a certain plumber in your life.
KB: Why did you just phrase that like we're dating?
JR: Is it the overalls?
KB: I think they're drab, yes, but it's just the principle of the thing- did anyone ever realize he was coming into my land?  Mushroom Kingdom is my house, my house!

JR: Interesting theory.
KB: Actually that's a fact, he has done that.  It's not a theory.
JR: Is Luigi the diva everyone says he is?
KB: That's a myth.  But Mario can pack away the pizza, I can tell you that.
JR: Tell us about your castle?
KB: Which one?
JR: All of them.
KB: I'm more into the high walls, the ones the Romans used,you know that can pelt away arrows being fired at you.  And there has to be a high tower.  You need to stand high above your servants.

JR: Oh, i forgot you had a staff.  What are those numbers and how's the upkeep?
KB: Luckily, they don't require much.  Most of them barely have a brain cell, don't write Goomba because I'm not talking about them.  (they're sensitive) whispered.

JR: okay, so you're a successful ruler of a kingdom, you should be able to get any girl you want.  What's with Peach?
KB: You hit it on the head.  I CAN have any girl I want, and I do.  Trust me.
JR: And.....?
KB: Oh, just waiting for you to trust me.
JR: I....trust you....on that matter.
KB: Okay, so the thing I want is what I can't have.  It's a classic syndrome.
JR: I think I've heard of that.  Whose decision was it to leave you out of Super Mario Brothers 2?
KB: Some Japanese kook.  Miyamoto called me up and said "I know you're just getting warmed up, but sit this one out.  I have some extra material I don't know what to do with, so we're making it Mario."  I still got compensation.

JR: That's pretty nice.  What did you do with it?
KB: I don't remember.  Think I bought some ice cream.
JR: Now, it's about to get personal.  Do you have anger issues?  I mean, clinically?
KB: Is it that obvious? laughing.  No, not really, I mean don't you have an arch enemy?  He's really the only one that angers me like that.  Bowser jr. can attest. I'm quite loving.

JR: That brings up my next question: Are you addicted to sex?
KB: Where did you read that?
JR: From my own brain.  I mean, you have 8 kids.  Where's the mom?
KB: So i have 8 kids and I'm the bad guy?  Who do you think's supporting all those little ****s.  The mother.....met her on a train one day, had a few cocktails, bing-bang-boom, and I mean BOOM, and I mean BANG, and nine months later I got a litter of little Koopas to watch after.

JR: Some have called your parenting into question.  The anger, the violence, the kidnapping, driving airships without a license.  What do you say to those peope?

KB: Do you have their addresses?
JR: No, just please answer the question.
KB: You know how hard it is to watch after that many children....and give them all their own attention.  I mean, I just took Iggy to the Train museum.  then, I took Ludwig Von to the reptile farm.  Then....

JR: This sounds like an episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8....a little.  They did those exact things.
KB: Well, I saw them there, you see, I'm a celeb, so I know them.
JR: right.....oh, you're steaks are here.  How was the Long Island, by the way?
KB: Strong.
JR: Moving right along, your interest in Go carts.
KB: That was a money thing actually, the numbers were right so I hopped in one and drove around.  Some of those guys were pros and lied to my face about. But, it actually got to be quite fun.

JR: What about Funny car racing?  Do you have an interest in that?
KB: I don't know what you're talking about.   Ummmm, those were good.
JR: My God, you inhaled those.  Nice form.
KB: Thank you.  It is Thursday night?
JR: Now, possibly a sore subject.  Your impressions on the Super Mario Brothers Feature Film?
KB: I knew that was coming.  I thought it was atrocious.  I mean, the hairstyle alone.  Was that supposed to be me?  I mean honestly, I was asking Luigi, that was me, right?  How come I'm old?  And human?  This doesn't seem right at all.  The Princess they got right, I mean, she wasn't as classy of a doll as Peach is, but that's clutching straws.

JR: Samantha Mathis.
KB: Excuse me?
JR: She played Peach.  I want to bite into her.
KB: We were talking about me, here?  and Yoshi, he looked like my little brother and I'm never nice to my little brother.  It just didn't make sense.  And the Mushroom Kingdom set decorations?  Please, it made New York look like Xanadu.

JR: Hahaha, good one.  You speak to Dennis Hopper?  Give him any direction?
KB: We had drinks one night.  He didn't want to talk about the movie.  He kept asking me for a "score of fungi."  The guy's a little off.  He didn't have the poise to play me.

JR: You're quite the athlete.
KB: Were you looking at my calves?  I run a mile and half each day, well, every other day.
JR: Un-huh. I mean, you were invovled with so many sports games, Basketball, Golf, Tennis, Baseball, Water Polo.
KB: We didn't do Water Polo.
JR: oh, guess that's just wishful thinking.  You were even in Beijing.
KB: Yeah, that's a funny story, actually, Donkey was busy so they needed a couple guys for the shot put and such,you know the power stuff, but it was all a big commercial for the Games, but Mario and Sonic have had heat for years so some of those races were pretty heated.

JR: Any dirt in the locker room?
KB: Yeah, they were pretty filthy.  And the air, man, you would have thought George Burns was back from the dead.
JR: Paul Newman passed the other day.  Damn shame.  You have any charities you want to plug?
KB: Well, I don't want to toot my horn, I do this little thing once a season on 5th street with the bums.  just pass out the soup, it's all low profile stuff.

JR: What about Super Smash Brothers?  I mean, talk about innovative.  It's like UFC without the cages and replaced with Islands, giant hammers and little boys.

KB: I'm deep in that man.  Sunk a bunch of money, this last one really had to pay off.  But, it's a lot of fun, I mean what they don't tell you is that you have to wear these protective suits so you can really do whatever you want and no one gets hurt.

JR: What?  What about flying on the bridge of that big Ship?
KB: Green screen.
JR: What are some of the people like on that project?  Solid Snake, heard he's a real hard-you-know-what.
KB: Didn't see him a lot. This was his first time.  He's a busy guy but pleasant.  You know Link's kind of an ass now, we used to play Chess in between fights but the guy has so much press around him now.  It fades.  I keep telling him that.  Fox is funny, he seems stoic but the guy has an inner Robin Williams that quite frankly gets out of control.  Jigglypuff's a flirt.

JR: Where's the passion come from?
KB :You know what, Jessie, I'm going to tell you: You do some of this stuff on the fly, you got a weekend free, whether or not free meals are invovled, but a lot of it's method, you know?  You believe that you want to burn this person alive with a fireball and you find yourself shooting flame before your head clears and you're this big star, I mean, I can't explain it.

JR: So, this large person sitting in front of me has a heart....a heart of fire.
KB: Don't think you get my point.....
JR: One last question, when you arrive at the Pearly Gates, what do you want to hear God say to you?
KB: I have Bravo.  I've seen that show too.
JR: Well, this has been a pleasure.
KB: Yeah, you're not so bad for press.
JR: Any future projects in the works?
KB: Oh, yeah, I've managed to stay busy over the last 20 years pretty consistently, while raising 8 little hellions and doing quite well with a little Amish furniture business on the side.  Let me do this real quick, it's.....well, I'm having a brain fart here, oh the card is in my wallet......oh, KoopaKouches.com that's couches with a K.

JR: Till next time, thanks for reading.

- Jessie