In it's effort to bring you even MORE coverage of everything pop culture it can find, Review the World has sent me out to find and interview all the characters you know and love....and some you're even indifferent about.  So, it's time to go......

One on One with......
Eeyore

We meet at Rentschler Park in scenic Hamilton, OH (that’s for effect) to take a stroll on the paths while we ponder life’s mysteries (are Jessica Simpson’s love pillows fake or real?) and discuss his miserable, depressing, sad little wonderful life.

JR: Me
E: the old grey donkey

JR: So, A.A. Milne, British author has a son named Christopher Robin, which is actually a girl’s and boy’s name together
E: If you say so…..
JR: and he has these little stuffed dolls, a bear, a donkey, a tiger, & a rabbit and suddenly the world is entranced by cute talking creatures without pants.  Thoughts?
E: I guess it’s just nice to be noticed
JR: Speaking of noticed, Shia Lebouf: wacky behavior or cry for help?
E: I can’t get a cable hookup in my stick house, sorry.
JR: Doesn’t matter, how was your Christmas by the way?
E: oh, it was swell.  Pooh knitted me a new red scarf and Owl found a new pin for my tail which……oh bother, where has it gone?
JR: BWAAAA! (blows nose) where did I get this purple hankercheif?
E: That would be it.  Would you mind pinning it back on?
JR: Sure, no problem, let me get down here, please don’t release any gas or anything, okay, it’s back.  Didn’t that hurt?
E: Didn’t feel a thing, I’m only made of sawdust.

JR: oh, snap are you kidding, so if I work your gut like this, (punching the side of Eeyore) you won’t feel a thing?
E: Oh, I guess not, go ahead if it makes you feel better.
JR: Nah, it’s no fun if you’re going to be all mopey…..
E: This is a pretty forest, too bad it’ll be mowed down for more paper one day
JR: Okay, let’s pick this up a bit, tell us about POEM, you’re grand master work….
E: it wasn’t anything special, really…..
JR: you’re too modest, that’ll get you nowhere in Hollywood.  You want to hear a poem I wrote?
E: Ohhh-kayyy
JR: I walked along the forest green, saw the dumpiest creature I’d seen
      But with a purple tissue as a tail, and the pace of a snail,
      I think he should try some Cymbalta
E: is it over?
JR: yes, I believe it is, that’s the mark of a true artist, knowing when a work is complete or not
E: Bravo, I guess
JR: So give us the dirt on your friends, the famous residents of 100 Acre Woods, and I want that gritty stuff!
E: Oh, they’re all pretty swell, Rabbit is a bit of a hard nut but he’s alright
JR: That’s it!  What about scandal, criminal records, anybody doing anything illegal with a carrot or a rake?
E: Oh, Gopher took some of Rabbit’s crops one season but all’s been forgiven.
JR: What about Tigger? I mean he’s hopped up on something right?  If there’s ever been a spokesman for speed, he’s it.
E: oh, you’re right about that, he’s pretty quick!

JR: Remember when Pooh got stuck in that tree looking for honey??? And his large rump was sticking out for like the whole episode?  Hahahahahahaha, you can’t write that kind of stuff
E: Poor Pooh, had marks on his belly for a week.
JR: oh, man Hahahahaha, whoever came up with that deserves a Pulitzer Prize or some kind of fancy sounding award, hahaha.
E: I’m not sure I get the joke…..
JR: Whew!  Okay, it’s passed, it’s not funn…..HAHAHAHAHAHA!  No, it’s still funny!
E: Well, there is that one time when Piglet found a woman’s diaphragm on Oak Wood Trail, he was so scared the owner would get pregnant, he worked himself into a frenzy; is that the kind of story you want to hear?
JR: A diaphragm?  Are you serious?  I’ll find that on my way home.  That’s not dirt.  It’s okay, tell me, what in God’s creation is a Heffalump?
E: oh, a big cuddly creature that’s real good friends with Pooh.  Shucks, mister, maybe he would have been a better interview.
JR: Give me $50 bucks for this?  It’s a good price, (showing Eeyore some white pills in his hand)
E: I can’t take that, I don’t even have a digestive system.
JR: okay, make it 3 Xanax.
E: Oh, Thistles!  Think I’ll stop for a snack.
JR: hmmm, well, I’ll try one too. Ow!  Son of a Richie Rich!
E: oh, these are really ripe.

JR: Okay, I’ll try another one, Damn!  Those hurt too.  What’s that saying about Fool me once, oh who cares?  Now, heard you were a heck of a gardener yourself?
E: well, just give a plant some love and it will grow.  It just wants to be noticed.
JR: Okay!  Now that’s some dirt!
E: What happened to my tail this time?
JR: Do you have any tape?  Scotch perhaps? (holding tail on bloody lip)  This would make an excellent Band-Aid?
E: Please, can you give me that back?  I do have friends you know.
JR: Are you threatening me?
E: No, oh bother, I didn’t mean to imply that.  Although I do have Sora’s cell #.
JR: You talking about that Kingdom Hearts runt?  My little sister could beat him up.
E: oh, no sir, he’s really brave, I saw him shove that Keyblade up bigger and stronger people’s buttocks than yours.
JR: Well, I’m not a fan of that particular practice.  Tell me what was it like to be apart of such a grand project?
E: oh, it was a lot of fun.  It was nice to be noticed.  The gang told me they were going to be apart of it, but I just stayed out of it until they wanted me.  Of course they kept taking my tail to be used in it.  And my house kept getting knocked over, but what else is new?
JR: Yea, you missed shop class in high school apparently.  You do know that piling a bunch of sticks on each other really doesn’t make a house, right?
E: oh, it’s about as good as I can do it.  But, my friends help me out sometimes.
JR: I know that you’ve frequented The House of Mouse?  How’s the Lobster Bisque?
E: not sure, I’ve had the thistles plenty though, and Mickey is such a great host.  So much life and charisma.

JR: Really?  It’s not all an act?
E: Oh, no sir.  He’s the happiest mouse you would ever want to meet.
JR: Let me just say, I see a mouse, I’m calling Orkin.  Simple as that.  Who was your waitress?
E: it was Miss Daisy Duck, real nice lady
JR: Growl!
E: I’m not sure what that means.
JR: Well, we’re back at the hill top, you want to go sit up on that swing up there and lament about loves lost?
E: Never been in love before…..sounds nice though
JR: oh, damn it there’s someone up there, and they’re making out!  Hey, get a room! (Screams to people on swing)   Yeah, he said it!  The donkey right next to me said that shit!  Come on then, if you’re so tough!
E: Well, thanks for noticing me….
JR: No problem, the guy coming down the hill notices you too, I’ll go get the car then.
E: oh, I’ll just walk home, no need to burden your automobile with me…..
JR: Okay, fans, until next time!

3 months later…..
I felt pretty bad about letting some guy beat the hell out of my new friend…..especially since he couldn’t feel it and realized I had shouted at him and chased me down and kicked my guts in.  But, we really bonded, me and Eeyore, I bring him fresh thistles every time I’m in the neighborhood and we take a weekend every September up to Nantucket for a get away.  That donkey can really parasail.  And now every year, we venture to Austin Texas in Pease Park for the Eeyore Birthday Party and he’s so well loved there, that sometimes he even smiles…………and he still lets me punch him in the side as often a I like, but after all what are real friends for?

- Jessie