One on One with......
Frankenstein's Monster

What makes a man tick?  Especially  a man with decomposed flesh and presumably no soul.  No, I'm not talking about George W. Bush.  I am referring to a modern miracle of science, well, if you count modern as the year 1818 when in the quaint village of Ingolstadt, Germany, a "modern-day Prometheus" Dr. Victor Frankenstein created a living person from the remains of dead ones.  This creation or monster, whatever you prefer, is the subject of my interview today.  Just for trivia, this is his first interview since.......well, ever.  I am at the popular Land of Illusion haunted attraction here in scenic Middletown.  I have purchased both of our tickest, not sure if I will be reimbursed, but you make sacrifices for your profession.  He arrives shrouded in darkness wearing a pretty drag ensemble of tattered, dirty clothes.  Really yellowish skin too.  He's actually quite horrifying and I'm kind of peeing my pants.

JR- Me
FM- Amalgamation of dead bodies (Frankie)

JR: Hello, sir, it is my distinct honor to meet such an esteemed figure in the history of our world made up of planets, and I'm talking too much.

FM: It's quite fine, young gentleman.  I'm not really fond of these kinds of venues.
JR: Oh, that's okay, you'll fit right in.  Now, there's been some debate about your name throughout the years, what should I call you, "Frankie, Frankie jr., Mr. Stein's Monster, Abhorred Devil," you choose.

FM: Let's just go with something vernacularly simple: Gerald.
JR: Oh, seriously?  I really think Frank would go better, just off the top of my head, you look like a Frank.
FM: That's fine, then.
JR: We're going down the Middletown Haunted Trail, it's pretty standard fare for this kind of thing.  Now, my first question, oh, Frank, you can't have your cell phone out on the trail.

FM: Blast!
JR: Let's talk about Miss' Mary Shelly,
FM: Sorry sir, but I must correct you, she was married to the good sir Percy Bysshe Shelly.
JR: Okay, now you're just making things up, whoa, look out for that beheaded witch over there, hahahaha, scared you didn't I?  Man, you jumped!

FM: Actually, I saw her quite a ways down the path; I merely jumped because you stepped on my toe.  Now, are we going to get to something of substance?
JR: Yes, you're right.  The novel by Mirses Shelly was extraordinary, read a few pages of it myself earlier.  One of the most touching moments was when you are helping out that nice family in the cottage and really feeling close to them, then they see you for what you really are and are scared to death of you.  How emotional.

FM: It's actually quite sad, when I think back to that time.  I was searching for some companionship, compassion in anyone and found it in the DeLacey's, but much to my horror and confusion, when they saw my face....

JR: Oh, Shnikes, you almost got hit by that ghoul with the butcher knife, bet that one scared you!
FM: I was actually trying to make a point here and you have interrupted me again.
JR: I'm sorry, big man, how come they took that part where the little girl gives you a flower out of the book?  What a great scene.

FM: The novel was written nearly 100 years before that scene was filmed in James Whales' misguided and misrepresented portrayal of my story.

JR: Hey, do the walk!  You know, the hands out and the slow walk!  Where are the bolts in your neck?  Wait a minute, are you a fraud?

FM: I assure you I am not.  I could easily snap your neck like a twig, but I have promised myself not to behave in that sort of barbaric humanistic behavior.

JR: Okay, okay, so, what did you think of the Universal Monster movies?  How was it meeting Abott and Costello?
FM: I really had nothing to do with those movies.  I did, however, meet with an attorney, a good Jewish one, and have been collecting royalties on all the properties having to do with my name for years and years.

JR: Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but you ran into the Arctic to burn your ashes and never be seen again.  What changed?
FM: Well, i still read the newspaper when I got there.  It was extremely cold, but I couldn't feel it.  It's an emptiness that not many can relate to.  I found out about all of the spin offs using my name and likeness, so I decided to cash in.  I've built a nice condo out there, people leave me alone, it works nicely.

JR: So, you must be making tons of money.  You ever turn anything down?
FM: No, the story's already so distorted, I just let the cash roll in.  I donate a lot of it to history museums and such.  I've built a keen library for myself, most of my time is spent reading, strolling the grounds of my land, pondering life and what it could be.....

JR: LOOKOUT FOR THAT CHAINSAW!!!!
FM: That's the 4th one so far, they use a lot of them don't they?
JR: It's their cash-cal.  Boris Karloff, ever meet him?
FM: Twice, once in an airport and another time at a convention for Universal.  He thought I was a hack actor, but I tried explaning myself and he just spit in my face.  Took everything I had not to strangle him.....and $4,000 from the studio.

JR: Is it all about the mon-aaaa?
FM: Life isn't about making money, it's not about dollar dollar, or bling bling, or whatever other word you want to say twice together, it makes you comfortable and able to enjoy the little things but it's not all there is.

JR: Do you have a Miata?
FM: Three.
JR: I knew it.  What about your other portrayals? You've been in everything from Italian flicks, strange porno movies, Japanese monster movies, where is the real Frank in all of this?

FM: He's on the sidelines, watching.  With a cool beverage.
JR: And 3 Miatas.
FM: Existensially, yes.
JR: Young Frankenstein?  Did you ever think you could sing and dance?
FM: I read the screen play early on and decided it was right for me.  Peter was a lovely, large man who wanted to get things right.  Terri Garr.....mmmm, I can still picture her in that night gown.

JR: You hit that didn't you?
FM: I would never hit a lady, how dare you?
JR: What about Willy Wonka?  Does he really have a room where everything's cut in half
FM: I think you're confused.
JR: How'd you get a Marvel Comic?
FM: I was contacted late about that.  It was already in the works but my lawyer has a sharp eye.  There was supposed to be a Hulk one-shot where we mixed it up but that was nixed.

JR: Why?
FM: Apparently they thought he could whip my ass in 2 panels.  It was insulting.
JR: So, you discontinued business with them?
FM: That's true.
JR: is FrankenBerry any relation to you?
FM: He would not be.  He is a cartoon drawing.
JR: Damn, lost 5 bucks to Brian on that one.
FM: Another guy with a chainsaw!  How uninspired this trail has become.  I don't think....I should walk around this school bus.

JR: Oh, come on don't be a pus....
FM: What was that?
JR: possessive pronoun user?
FM: See you on the other side.

11 minutes later........
JR: Wow, that dude, i could have sworn he was the real Fred Krueger.  Amazing.  Man, close call.
FM: yes, you were screaming for quite a while.
JR: Little kid, pinched me.
FM: Aha.
JR: You were recently involved in Van Helsing, a very faithful tribute to the way Mrss. Shelly wrote you in her novel, apathetic, pacifist.  How did you feel about that.

FM: The character they created from me was very close to the real thing.  It pulled on me a little.  I worked with the actor closely and we really bonded.  The movie was shit, but I was pleased with the job he did.

JR: Wow, man, that's like in my top 2 movies ever.
FM: .........
JR: Okay, well, I see the bonfire out in the distance, that means this trail is over.  Thanks for being the subject of the interview. Hey I bought your ticket, how about you get us some hot cocoa?

FM: That can be arranged.
JR: Final question, where's your Bride? You know the chick with the white beehive?
FM: That was just a movie.  I had pleaded with my creator to construct a being identical to me, a mate, that could understand my torment and torture for many lifetimes, yet he destroyed my hopes and rescinded my offer, shortly before his death.

JR: That's a real bummer.  Have you ever heard of Deja Vu?  It's not just the thing that happens when you think you already saw something earlier in the day or whatever.

FM: I'm not following you....
JR: It's a strip club.  Why would you want to spend eternity with a girl made of dead bodies when you could have a facefull of fake ****ies?

FM: (shakes head)
JR: Alright, thanks for reading.  Until next time.......

- Jessie