Hi everybody! My name is Will and I am the newest staff member to Review the World. Much thanks goes out to Brian (the brain child behind the curtain) who has allowed me to contribute. It just so happens that I am starting right at the begining of my favorite time of year; Halloween. So to kick things off I am going to review a few stores that always shine during this spook-tacular time of the season.

Oh, Michaels. Where would we be without you? Probably one doily less but that is besides the point. Really, this place is pretty jam-up when it comes to the early celebration of Samhain. I know it’s an arts and craft store and a guy can get some strange looks upon entering but the level of macabre down these aisles is enough to justify anyone.

I am not lying to you, there are as many skeletons in here than there are people in Post Falls, Idaho. For a frame of reference that is like saying there is a lot. I dont know who was doing the product purchasing but I like ‘em. There are dead bones everywhere! Even one’s made to look like Willie Nelson in a wedding dress.

Have you seen these? To be quite honest, I have not until this year and Michaels has tons of them. It reminds me of a certain Twilight Zone episode when the dude opens his front door to find a giant eyeball looking at him. You know that one? Anyway, I am going to roam the neighborhood at night looking to see if they look as cool in real life as they do on the package. If it’s anything like a picture menu at a Chinese restaurant, I will probably guess not.

Am I looking at this right? Is this a reticulating pumpkin saw? Well slap my butt and call me Booberella, it is! How lazy are we that we can’t even keep the tradition of pumpkin carving as simple as a knife and some elbow grease? My goodness! This instrument, however, would make for a great weapon in Zombie’s Halloween 3. Do you think Micheal will be in that one or will he bring back Tom Atkin? If that is the case then Rob, you will be redeemed for your “re-imagined” Halloweens. (sorry for the blurry picture)

This is kind of a staple for Micheals. From Halloween to Christmas they display these cute little towns and dioramas, if you will. This one is my particular favorites. How many would ever think to see Dracula bowling with a skull as Frankenstein watches smugly? Not me.

The only beef I have with these are the noise. It seems like each one has a recorded conversation going so if you have more than three of these at your house the annoyance factor would be raised expodentially. Just imagine the AOL “you’ve got mail” voice repeating over and over. Now multiply that by four or five. You get the point.

We have a winner! Moving on…

Ain’t no school like the old school. That’s right, I am talking about Kmart. I have the fondest memories of Halloween costume shopping here as a kid. That was back in the day when Kmarts were a relatively new luxury as the place to buy just about anything you need. Now a days they are a tad rundown and the particular one in my neck of the woods smells like an old folks home. (industrial cleaner+ pee + tapioca = old folks home) But they still rock Halloween like 1985.

Totally Ghoul indeed. I love this because they don’t have a cutesy character or mascot to lure kids into another product line. No, they push Halloween, straight and simple just like the holiday should be. If retail chains could be compared to pumpkin patches, Kmart is the most sincere of them all. If that last line confused you, then you really need to get “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”.

It really is nice to see that Kmart still sticks with what works. The displays and costume layout has not change even in the slightest. I remember many kids from school and around the neighborhood would go to Toys R Us for their costumes but my folks knew better than to subject themselves to that madness more than once a year, so Kmart was the place we all could agree on. Besides, the concept of “one stop shop” really was too attractive back in the eighties. I would get my ALF costume, Mom would get the Halloween candy for the year and Dad would get a leaf blower. Everyone wins.

Now this is what I am talking about! Anyone who knows me, knows that I love old horror. Just look at this display and tell me that there isn’t a touch of Satanic magic. These are good flicks too! It is true that the bottom row looks the a Saturday afternoon line up on the SyFy Channel but everything else is high-fives and hand claps. Also, look at the old school material board display shelves. Pretty rad, eh? I’m just sayin’.

It’s like they purposely put out all my favorite Halloween mood movies. I am having a “Truman Show” moment here.

I really dig the Friday the 13th and Nightmare On Elm Street items they are pushing this year. Now I could be a cynic and rationalize it only as corporate revenue stream for the recent “re-imagined” Friday the 13th and the new Nightmare On Elm Street coming soon but I choose to live in my naive world where Steve Erwin is still alive and The Great Pumpkin really does exist. To me it is only Kmart and their efforts so keep everything completely awesome.

Candy…Candy, candy, candycandycandycandy. Kmart doesn’t mess around when it comes to giant five pound backs of assorted Wonka goodness. But the one thing that I love the most is it’s lack of….I don’t know…finess. If you go to a Target you will see all sorts of gourmet and designer candy. Sure that is great and all but I dig the “what you see is what you get” sense of display here. They even keep the candy in the shipping boxes. Hey, go with what you got!

Jumpin’ Jiminey Christmas! Just when Kmart couldn’t get any cooler they are selling retro decorations. These represent so many autumn Saturdays, hanging these cardboard wonders up in the windows and on doors only to have to take them down because it wasn’t quite October. (Dad was a stickler like that) These were the scarecrows and black cats that lined the elementary school hallways. And these, unfortunately were the ones lost in a move many moons ago. But here they are and Kmart is selling them for….$15.99!?!?! Shit, I’ll just have the neighbor’s kid just doodle something on a paper plate.

If these bags don’t make you smile then you are punished. I punish thee. Moving on…

How do you like  my sneaky picture? I know I got more Ford Taurus and elbow but there were people looking at me so LAY OFF! Sorry.

Here is how you know it is officially the Halloween; the Spirit stores open. It just hit me the other day that these Spirit stores only inhabit recently deceased businesses. Does that weird anyone else out? Just me? Alright…

Again, I apologize for the quality of photo. It was only me and the staff there so I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible even though I was clearly the first asshole to wander in because I was asked if I needed help no less than ten thousand times. So, these iPhone pictures leave a tad bit to be desired.

I am on the fence with the Spirit stores. True, they are 100% Halloween and everywhere you go are moans and chains with the theme to Halloween playing on repeat but every year it gets closer to pop culture and further from random digs. I mean, who wants to buy a costume in a bag? That’s no fun! What if I want to be Alex Rogan from the movie The Last Starfighter? I would have a better chance of becoming a Gunstar pilot in real life than finding help in a Spirit store. Where went the days when a Halloween store would be creative enough to help a person like me out without referring me to the “I’m a caveman” costume bag? At least they have these:

I don’t care who you are, that Hannibal Lecter is creepy. He apparently moves too but was unplugged. Of course there is the “new” Micheal Myers behind him. He is just not quite as menacing as the old 1979 “Shape”.

Okay, who is the asshole that put my nightmare into latex reality? My goodness.

Well folks, I think I am going to wind it down and grade these stores. I am sure there are plenty of people who ask why I didn’t include Target into this review and to be quite frank, it’s been done. Everyone knows that Target is the prom queen of the Halloween season with all it’s Target designed motif and expensive novelty items for the prefect cutesy Halloween party. But I was never the one to go for the prom queen. I always went for Carrie. 

Michaels: C+ The skulls won me over but the sections are too crowded by Christmas junk.

Kmart: A+ I’m bias I suppose but Halloween is a time to remember the kid inside and mine was from 1987. Glad to see Kmart hasn’t changed much since.

Spirit: D  It’s too crowded with uncreative ideas for Halloween. And the prices make you want to hit yourself.

Thanks for taking the tour with me!

- Will