Panera Bread (Forest Park, OH)

It took me a couple of years to finally visit Panera Bread.  I didn’t really have any reservations about it, so it wasn’t that I was avoiding the place.  For the uninitiated, I’d say it’s a quality place, which bridges the gap between fast food and quality dining.  The clientele tends to be more upscale, but the atmosphere is generally casual inside.  I think the interior design is structured to accommodate comfortable conversation.

In terms of food, they’re most well known for sandwiches, soups, and salads.  They have a combo where you can choose any two of the aforementioned items, which is very popular, especially during lunch for people on the move.  They’ve also got a bakery, too.  Filled with dozens of delectable desserts, ranging from scones to cookies and beyond, there’s sure to be something for anyone with a sweet tooth.  Lastly, besides the regular soda fountain, you can purchase bottled beverages, including drinks from Jones Soda Co., and Panera Bread also offers a variety of fresh coffees daily.

Here we are enjoying our lunch together.  As far as salads go, they have a number of different choices, but by far my personal favorite is what Molly ordered here, the Asian salad with chicken, sesame seeds, almonds, and a delicious ginger based dressing.  As far as soups go, each and every day they serve at least six or seven varieties, and you can pick up a schedule if you’re so inclined.  I prefer the French onion, myself, although this day I had creamy potato soup.  They have dozens of different sandwiches, so surely you’ll find something that fits your personal tastes.  I’d recommend chicken or tuna salad, or roast beef as ideal picks.  This day I had a vegetarian sandwich that was kind of blasé.  Plus, you receive a piece of bread with each order!

In closing, I’d like to say I’m glad Molly introduced me to this place, and would recommend it wholeheartedly.  The prices aren’t bad, if you order wisely, and the food is almost always above average in terms of quantity and quality.  I’ve ate at least 5 different Panera Bread locations, and been satisfied with all of them.  Panera Bread offers a comfortable environment and a healthy alternative.  They provide free Wi-Fi Internet access inside, as well as local and national newspapers to customers.  If you visit one and would like to put a touch of RTW on your meal, throw some fresh lemons in your Pepsi!  Enjoy.

Overall Grade: B+ 

Nintendo Bean Bag Keychain Giveaway

A while ago I was working at this video game store called GameCrazy.  As an incentive to get people to preorder games we’d give away little gifts with each preorder.  They ranged from the incredibly lame (old issues of game magazines which had out of date news and articles, although any EGM featuring Seanbaby’s work is worth having) to the really cool like t-shirts, hats, and DVD discs.

Today we’re going to look at one of the better giveaways.  If you pre-ordered Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros. 3 for the Game Boy Advance you got two exclusive bean bag character keychains.  In a nifty little bag featuring some enthusiastic text and decent artwork you received two little pals from everyone’s favorite video game series.

First off, you’ve got Mario Mario.  No, that wasn’t a mistake.  For the unaware, that is infact Mario’s real full name!  This thing is great.  Yes, it’s a tad too big to actually accompany your car keys, but it’s still pretty damn cool.  The only noticeable flaw from the start is Mario’s ears seem proportionally large. But, everything else is there.  From the blue suspenders, to the white gloves, to that infamous mustache… it’s all here in adorable three-inch splendor!

Next up, the always-loveable Yoshi.  How could you not ogle at this thing?  After much scrutiny and close examination my stance is that it’s about perfect.  The huge eyes, his scales, and even the saddle Mario sits upon are included in this miniature marvel.

In the end, this was a hell of a giveaway.  Not only did you reserve yourself a copy of one of the coolest handheld games on the market, but also you got these for free!  Who wouldn’t want a little Yoshi clipped on their jeans, bouncing carelessly against their waist during a long day at the office?  For those if you who got these, feel glad and relish in the fact that you scored a coup.  For those if you who missed out, maybe you could make yourselves a papier-mâché Samus Aran, Link, Donkey Kong, or that little guy from Excitebike?

Overall Grade: B+ 

Kool-Aid Jammers - Grape

In a world as jaded and tough as our own, it’s nice to know that there’s still something out there like this.  Anyone who was ever a child undoubtedly spent some time having his or her mom whip up a nice cold batch of Kool-Aid some sunny summer afternoon.  These days the kids can skip that step entirely, moving right on to the good part… drinking the crap!  Kool-Aid Jammers makes theories of relativity look asinine and novel; I mean who cares about all of the grappling issues with society and our existence when the liquid equivalent of gold lays one squeeze away?

First off and foremost, let’s talk about the amazing packaging.  Iconoclastic spokesperson for the sugary substance has always and will forever be the colossal known as Kool-Aid Man.  Isn’t he just the coolest?  Here’s a classic example of how this character can pull just about anything off.  Wearing a hideous green windbreaker Kool-Aid Man snowboards across lavender drifts of snow emphatically driving us wild.  I have no idea who in the hell his travel agent is, but I want to know where these mountains of purple snow exist, and how much a roundtrip ticket is to get there?  Wow!  In the background we get a glimpse of luscious grapes right from grandma’s backyard orchid, each with their individual drops of water that somehow subliminally mean something to the common consumer.

100% of your daily value of vitamin C is included in each and every pouch, which is saying quite a lot considering the youth of today’s eating habits and consequently what type of things are geared at them.  Now, let’s briefly touch on the taste itself.  When it comes to the original Kool-Aid concocting process, people universally use varying degrees of sugar to their individual liking.  Here, Kool-Aid gives us the perfect blend the definitive version of their “Grape” flavor, as made by the company itself and proudly wearing the official logo.  The first drink is worth the price of admission alone.  I don’t know if grapes as a fruit have ever been more faithfully represented as a pouch of concentrated liquid, and that’s really saying something, I think.  Although Kool-Aid will always be best when created in the kitchen the old fashioned way, complete with mock mad scientist evil laugh, this is certainly not a bad substitute for those on the go or just lacking ambition.  There’s a lot of different brands of artificially flavored juice drinks out there, but if you’re only going to pick one, pick Kool-Aid if for nothing else sentimentality.

Overall Grade: B 

Hong Kong Phooey doll

I think I got this at a thrift store or something a while ago.  I’ve got so much junk sitting around my room for reviewing purposes I often lose track.  Anyway, as the story would have it, several years ago my brother and I got this collection of stuffed Hanna Barbara characters, and while I was lumped with the ranger guy from Yogi Bear, my brother got an ass-kicking karate dog.  Sucked.  Now, years later, I get my own, and it’s about five times the size of the aforementioned piece.  Now who’s laughing?  This thing is huge, and even if it appears he’s putting on a striptease in that picture, it’s actually in pretty good shape.  The tag says it’s from 2001, so I’m guessing that sounds about accurate.

Brian: So, basically you’re not only a talking dog, but you’re a janitor as well?  And, let me see if I’ve got this right, when you go into the broom closet, you magically return as a kung-fu canine?

Hong Kong Phooey: No comment.

Overall Grade: B- 

Techno Tacos

Magnificent Toy Theatre presents: 

Techno Tacos

I wrote this a year or two ago and it’s embarrassingly bad.  I thought I’d share.

PLUMBER: 

There isn’t really a lot you can do about it, man.  You know?

TURTLE BOT: 

There must be something.

PLUMBER: 

She’s got a new man now.  Let him deal with her.

TURTLE BOT: 

Yeah.

PLUMBER: 

That’s what we call some of that old bullshit.  But, you see, there are other robots in the technological sea, my friend.

TURTLE BOT: 

But not with microchips like that…

TERRY KENYON: 

Hey, fuckfaces.  What’s new?

PLUMBER: 

Hey, be cool, our buddy here just lost his lady and is feeling low.  Show some compassion you Texas prick.

TERRY KENYON: 

Yeah, sure...  The only thing I’m passionate about is fucking.

TURTLE BOT: 

What in the hell are you?

TERRY KENYON: 

I’m one of those old-fashioned types.  I like to get in the dirt and sweat all day.  Come home to a fine beer and a finer piece of ass.

PLUMBER: 

There’s nothing wrong with putting in a hard day’s work, but your vision of females is disgusting.

TERRY KENYON: 

Don’t tell me you’ve never put a wrench in a girl after you finished fixing her sink.  I know you like to clean those pipes.

TURTLE BOT: 

Why are friends with this guy again?

TERRY KENYON: 

My natural good looks?

PLUMBER: 

You’re an idiot, Terry.  Turtle Bot, don’t worry, you’ll find true love soon enough.

TERRY KENYON: 

Right, and I’ve got four green testicles.

TURTLE BOT: 

You’ve got four green testicles?

TERRY KENYON: 

No.  I was trying to be ironic.

PLUMBER: 

Well, I think I’m going to call it a night guys.  I’ve got some janitorial duties tomorrow morning I have to attend to.

TURTLE BOT: 

Later Plumber.

TERRY KENYON: 

Adios ass.

TURTLE BOT: 

You’re really something else you know that?

TERRY KENYON: 

Man, that’s what I’ve wanted to talk to somebody about.  See, I’m not really this macho dude I brag about to everyone.

TURTLE BOT: 

What are you saying?

TERRY KENYON: 

I’m soft.  I use this tasty exterior and my behavior as a means, a shell if you will, to protect my delicate insides.  I was hurt a lot by girls and bullies as a young lad, and frankly I figured if I couldn’t beat them than I would just join them.  You understand, right?  You old rusty dog you.

TURTLE BOT: 

I guess I can sympathize with your position.

TERRY KENYON: 

Speaking of positions…

TERRY KENYON: 

Hey there asshole!  Nice mask.  You see Cindy’s boobies yet?

TURTLE BOT: 

I can’t believe this guy.

TURTLE BOT: 

True love exists.  I just need to stop thinking with my circuit board and use my heart instead.  I’ve got to cancel my subscription to Techno Tacos…

All the Real Girls

Amazing.  I really liked this film.  First off, the director, David Gordon Green is remarkable.  He has his own unique style, and his thoughts on moviemaking coincide with my own.  He doesn’t try to do the traditional Hollywood thing of having a smooth beginning, middle, and ending wrapped up neatly in a nice bow.  He presents real emotions and shows beautiful imagery and leaves his audience with something to think about.  A challenging director, perhaps, to some circles, but I think he accomplishes something special.  His first film George Washington blew me away.  It’s simple, yet so different.  There really isn’t a strong narrative, but more so montages of the lives of a group of rural kids.  Green doesn’t use all trained actors and actresses in his cast, either.  He likes to use real people because their conversation is more realistic in that there are pauses, mistakes, and moments of awkward silence.  He utilizes this technique again in All the Real Girls.

The movie itself deals with a young man named Paul (played by Paul Schneider) who falls for his best friend’s younger sister Noel (played exceptionally well by Zooey Deschanel).  Paul and Noel begin spending more time together, but Noel’s brother Tip is worried that she’ll get hurt creating a bit of a volatile situation between the three parties involved.  Much like his first film, Green uses his scenes like montages.  We’ll go from Paul and his buddies sitting around a diner ordering food, to an intimate scene in bed between Paul and Noel, to Paul’s mom dressed as a clown dancing for hospitalized children.  We’re even occasionally shown random shots of scenic beauty, like the sky above or water flowing in creaks, and an especially memorable shot of a two-legged dog walking under the hot sun.

When the relationship takes a turn for the worst, the movie picks up.  Things get ugly quickly, and the actors did a fine job of showing the emotions involved when someone gets hurt.  On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are a few scenes of love (including a personal favorite involving a hot tub) between the two that are played with a youthful enthusiasm that is infectious.  The chemistry between the two characters is engaging.  One particular supporting character named Bust-Ass (played comically by Danny McBride) is a lot of fun.  Overall, the movie itself is really solid.  The central love story is involving, and the background characters are absorbing as well.  Green’s style of filmmaking isn’t for everyone, his love for real people and rural landscapes isn’t exactly commercial, but he has a genuine talent at his craft.  I strongly recommend giving this film a try, especially for anyone who’s ever been involved in young love, which is most of us.  I think it accurately depicts some of the sacrifices, confusion, anguish, and exultant joy of being young and finding yourself amidst finding love.

There’s real warmth in the way Green does his films.  It seems like he has a lot of heart, and he seems intent on sharing these rural stories not typically given airtime.  There are some running themes in his work, a lot dealing with the inherent good inside people.  He likes showing working class people and rural environments, and celebrates them.  Coming from a small town myself, I can sympathize and relate to a lot of the characters and scenarios in this film.  I think it’s about time a fresh new voice in cinema ushers in a different and bold type of film, and I believe David Gordon Green is capable of just that.

The DVD itself is a pretty good package.  There’s a short documentary called “Improv and Ensemble: The Evolution of a Film” that features some interview clips and scenes.  I found it informative, learning a bit about how the story got started by two college seniors discussing heartache and pouring it into a script.  David Gordon Green also speaks a lot, and gives some of his views on the movie and filmmaking, which are insightful into his perspective.  There are some deleted scenes, too.  My favorite is when Bust-Ass tries to get his cousin to marry him, and then he propositions her for sex after bringing her a drink at a bar.  There’s a trailer for the film, as well as a trailer for Love Liza.  Ending out the special features is a commentary track featuring some entertaining antic dotes.  In closing, I think it’s a pretty deep film with some human qualities, and is a lot more realistic in comparison with most Hollywood romances.  Bravo to David Gordon Green on another well-done film.  I look forward to his future works.

Overall Grade: A+ 

Max Orient (Kenwood Mall)

I decided to try Max Orient at Kenwood Mall’s food court, because, why the hell not?  I had never eaten at a Max Orient before, but all of the usual suspects where there.  I went through the line rather quickly, the service wasn’t bad or a hassle.  The food?  I enjoyed.  First off, I ate my chicken and mushrooms entrée; popular at most Asian mall eateries.  Not bad… not good.  Next, I tackled their specialty, barbeque chicken.  It was rather tasty, similar to famed bourbon chicken, yet unique.  It was very good entrée choice.  I opted for the noodles over the rice; which in retrospect was a poor decision, the noodles themselves were lukewarm and packed with too many vegetables.  I ordered two crab wontons for $.99, which was a fabulous move on my behalf.  They were delicious.  Lastly, I had a Cherry Coke that was borderline standard.  Overall, for just a lunch, this was a good meal.  I was satisfied with the quality of the food, and enjoyed eating.

Overall Grade: B