Saturday, February 5, 2005

Action Wrestlers

Professional wrestling already has a hard enough time being taken seriously without these excuses for action figures circulating around your local dimly lit dollar store.  The packaging was very dull, and the back was entirely cardboard with absolutely no text whatsoever.

Of course, if this guy's a professional wrestler he must have a steel chair handy.  Now, this chair is red, and I'm not sure if that's any indication of his sexual predilection or not.  I'm guessing he just works as a painter for a second job, when the grappling gig isn't paying the bills.  Secondly, get a real good look at those kneepads.  They're skin colored!  Wow, now let's forget the ruby chair and focus our attention on these fashion gems.  Maybe he's working some type of chameleon gimmick, or maybe he's just got really bad arthritis in his knees and they've swollen up in the shape of safety equipment?

This, my friends, is the stare of death.  You'll usually get this when asking our buxom buddy for an autograph, or if you interrupted his daily morning McGriddle marathon.  But, you've got to admire that physique!

Underneath his rough and rowdy exterior, this "action wrestler" is really just a sweetheart inside.  When he's not bashing other oily men's skulls and bludgeoning prostitutes with his steel chair, he cuddles with it at night and falls asleep in it's iridescent red glory.

This was admittedly pretty damn dumb.  I like wrestling as much as the average teenage guy, but even I have limitations when it comes to arguably the weirdest television event ever conspired by men wearing suits in a Holiday Inn banquet room.  The packaging was laughable, and if actually played with, the toy itself would break within the first 10 minutes of slamming action.  I was impressed by the purple facial paint, though.  Way to strike fear into your opponents, tough guy!

Overall Grade: C- 

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