Guacamole! Doritos

After a departure of 21 years Guacamole! Doritos have risen. Returning not unlike in G.I. Joe: The Movie when Cobra Commander is transformed into a literal snake and is carried by Roadblock to the Joes’ camp. No, that’s not quite the right metaphor. Let’s try another. Like when pro wrestler Sting finally made his way to the WWE after a decades-spanning, legendary career, only to have it prematurely ended just as it began by the recklessness of toolbag Seth Rollins. That doesn’t set the proper tone either. Let’s just roll with it … “They’re back!” (spoken in my best Carl Anne voice from Poltergeist II: The Other Side).
 
This isn’t just another chip review. I’ve done many, many of those in the past. Both in written and video form. This one actually has a bit of a story – a history with the Big Bad Bionic Boy Bri and RtW! In 2010 I posted an article containing a video (in three parts) that was actually shot in January of 2004. It was something a couple friends and I shot late night, and while it was dubbed Review the World, I’m not sure I even knew then what the project was or would become. I love to look back at it now as it’s a time machine. It’s a glimpse into my childhood home and the kitchen that wasn’t just for family meals. Over the years that kitchen doubled as a basketball court (I had this great basketball hoop that I hung up on the door to the backyard), a place for my Hot Wheels and Micro Machines to drive around, I’d play two-square against the kitchen cabinets with a bouncy ball, hold wild imaginative wrestling matches using my action figures on the kitchen table, etc.
 
On that video from ’04 regular RtW co-contributor and longtime friend Nick and I looked at everything from candies to a board game, knockoff sodas, weird promotional movie tie-in foods, and action figures. One of the things reviewed was … Guacamole! Doritos.
 

Or was it really reviewed? Going back and watching the footage my “review” on the chips was nonconclusive. Maybe it was because Nick and I had already eaten a gummy pizza, tainted our tongue with “spray paint” candy, and imbibed Mountain Holler a Dew knockoff. Because my tastebuds seemed to be failing me. Nick is a notoriously picky eater, so he didn’t join me. I try a chip or two and make reference to only having had guacamole “20 or so times” in my life. That seems so quaint today but looking back it likely wasn’t far off. Growing up the only exposure I’d had to Mexican cuisine was Taco Bell. I wouldn’t say my father was a picky eater, more a stubborn one, and as such as a family we stuck to a few dozen different homecooked meals, a handful of restaurants, and didn’t leave room for much experimentation beyond that. I remember tagging along in high school with a couple friends on a very impromptu trip to New Jersey for one of them to meet their online girlfriend. The girls took us into the city, and we stopped at a Chinese restaurant for lunch. I didn’t know what to order! The only Asian food I’d had was as a kid my dad when getting home from work a couple times brought me some leftover shrimp fried rice in one of those little Chinese takeout containers. My parents made “stir fry” a few times. So, the idea of guacamole being exotic to a teenager seems silly to me now but that was very much the reality of the era and area I grew up in. Back to the video we shot in '04, I mention before we cut from the Doritos review to the next segment that I’d be back with more thoughts, but that never happened. Until today. 21 years later.

So how are these things? You’ve got to immediately point out the brilliant green coloring going on here. These should have been Kryptonite chips as a tie-in to this summer’s blockbuster movie Superman. You know I’m right. So big kudos on going green. And I want to go full circle on my personal relationship with guacamole. I painted a picture of how back in 2004 I was a novice at best. But now I’d consider myself a connoisseur of the green stuff. And frankly the reason I don’t think I love the taste of these chips is they remind me of the generic idea of guac as we knew it in the ‘90’s. If you buy some store brand guacamole now, you’ll run into a similar flavor profile. The avocado is hidden beneath “spices” and a preponderance of tomato, onion, etc. Guacamole is best when it’s kept simple. You don’t need the gimmickry. I found long ago if I cut into a fresh avocado, dumped it into a bowl, sprinkled some coarse salt on it, squeezed a packet of Taco Bell hot sauce in there, maybe a splash of lime if I had one handy, I could myself whip up a damn fine guacamole in a matter of moments. I think the restaurant Chipotle actually has one of my favorite takes on guacamole. Theirs the main thing you taste is fresh avocado, with big chunks of it throughout, and some cilantro mixed in. Simple and effective.

My favorite memory of guacamole ties back to the “Happiest Place on Earth” at Walt Disney World. At Magic Kingdom, arguably the most magical of all Disney parks worldwide, in the Frontierland area, themed like the American frontier of the 19th century, is Pecos Bill Tall Tale Inn & Café. Serving Mexican-inspired fare it’s a great spot for pioneers and cowboys to take a breather, grab some grub, and soak in the atmosphere and ambience. It’s a very cool dining area feeling like you’re inside an inn in the Wild West. I bring it up to talk about their amazing an experience I had with their nachos and the incredible Fixins Bar. You carry your tray with your plate of nachos on it to the Fixins Bar and go nuts: toss some lettuce, tomato, chopped onion, jalapenos, etc. on there but then I recall being shocked to see … guacamole! Shocked because guac is a high-priced item generally and having unlimited access to it seemed like stealing somehow. So I tossed a few scoops onto my gigantic mound of nachos and went to town. One of the more satisfying meals I had on that particular trip to WDW and one I reflect back on fondly often.
 

To wind things down while these aren’t bad and I wish I could reclaim them after all this time as a lost gem – I really don’t think they’re that great as chips. The flavor doesn’t align with what I’m looking for out of guacamole. I’m glad they made a triumphant return. I urge everybody to try them for themselves. I would love for the Wasabi Doritos (which I only ever saw at Walmart) to make a return. Now those things rocked! When I was in college, I remember getting bags of Guacahip out of a vending machine before class. Those are still available and for my money a superior guacamole chip in every category. So, check those out if you’ve never had them before. Now get me my Lex Luthor chips!

Grade: C+