Gross Expired Soda Taste Testing

I was walking around a nefariously dilapidated store, which, with their reputation firmly in mind, I won’t name today.  They had a sale going on, and depending on your level of sadomasochism, it was a real treat to stumble upon.  Near the back of the dreary store, they had several shelves of beverages, for the astounding price of 5 for 88-cents.  Granted, all of the cans and bottles were covered in dust, a sticky coating, or some nightmarish mixture of the two.

Originally, I thought I’d review each of my 5 finds individually.  This would make for 5 separate articles, build suspense, and help my stomach lessen the misfortune it had coming.  But then, I decided, I can’t deal with the foreboding of seeing these disgusting drinkables in my refrigerator any longer.  So, on a chilly May afternoon, I submitted myself to the taste terrors of five incredibly retched and expired sodas.

Fiesta! Grapefruit

Let’s get this party started off right, with Fiesta! Grapefruit soda.  Grapefruit is a pretty polarizing fruit – you either like it or loathe it.  Personally, I rather enjoy a juicy grapefruit.  I learned at an early age, from watching my father, that after slicing your grapefruit in half, you then gently coat its interior with sugar for maximum enjoyment.  I love how the can tries so hard to be zany, complete with confetti as part of its design.

When it rains, it pours – grapefruit-flavored soda.

Here’s what Fiesta! Grapefruit looks like in a glass.  I suppose, to the average passerby, it might look like Sprite – but it’s definitely not.

This was terrible!  The most distinguishing factor was how tart it was.  It was borderline sour.  Also, I was a bit bummed at the color.  We all know the inside of a grapefruit is pink, right?  The pungent taste, poor choice of color, and the fact that it was expired, giving it a thick, flat consistency, all equated to a disappointing drinking experience.

Overall Grade: D-

IGA Cola

To most people, the name IGA doesn’t mean anything – and that’s fair.  IGA was a local grocery store.  The one in my hometown closed its doors nearly a decade ago.  So, under that context, I’m gauging this soda has been expired for a very long time.

The contents of this can finally see the light of day.

My assistant Bottleneck Bertha was eager to give me a hand.

Don’t look too different from any other cola in a glass, but looks can be deceiving.

Its taste reminded me of RC Cola, or to be more exact, RC Cola that hadn’t been opened since the Reagan administration was in power.  I can only imagine how it would have treated my taste palate were it not horrendously outdated.  For nostalgia sake, and not being completely undrinkable, I can’t find it in my heart to fail this one.

Overall Grade: D

Inca Kola

I had no idea what Inca Kola was, besides the fact that it touted itself as “the golden carbonated beverage”.  Upon doing some research, I found out that it’s extremely successful in South America, and made in Peru.

They weren’t kidding about the golden gimmick – this stuff was literally blinding.

It went along well with some of my mother’s glassware decorations.  Perhaps if not in my stomach, it’ll find at least a temporary home here, until rain and nature take its course.

Behold, in all its golden glory, Inca Kola!

Like band Less Than Jake said in their song “Malt Liquor Tastes Better When You've Got Problems” on their highly underrated 2000 release Borders & Boundaries, “bottoms up to better days”!

Ugh!  Do you remember Dum Dum Pops?  I found Inca Kola’s flavor strangely reminiscent of the “Cream Soda” variety of Dum Dum Pops.  That, or a pineapple rolled around in bacon grease.  The fact that it was past expiration didn’t help, too; the consistency was very thick and flat.  I burnt the last remnants of my can of Inca Kola onsite.

Overall Grade: D

Jolt Electric Blue

Jolt Cola has always prided their selves on having twice the caffeine as other sodas.  Electric Blue, which sounds like the name of a quickly forgotten dance craze, is one of their lesser-known and baffling offerings.

No, that isn’t an indentation on the bottom of the bottle – it’s some sort of nasty, festering, white residue that’s formed due to this thing sitting around for a couple years.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this one.

The strange alluring blue hue instantly brought to my mind the ghost Inky from legendary game Pac-Man.

I’ve had some nasty things in my mouth before (the video footage has been destroyed) but this was easily one of the most foul liquids I’ve yet to have to displeasure of tasting.  It tasted as though someone melted a bunch of blue Fla-Vor-Ice popsicles, added in a dosage of grotesque, and let it putrefy in a bottle for a few centuries.

Overall Grade: F

Bashas' Dr. Bash

I thought the irony of this particular case was too good to be true.  The beverage is titled Dr. Bash, and coincidently, the only can of it I could find in the store was severely bashed.  It looked as though someone dropped it on the ground, picked it up, dropped it again, and then just put it back on the shelf. And, the cashier actually sold this to me like it was perfectly fine!

One soda left to go – I was hoping it’d be an improvement over the others.

Dr. Pepper rip-offs are easy to come by, and usually moderately good.  I was curious to see how this one was going to measure up, especially considering its sketchy origins.

The last, and best, beverage of the day was Dr. Bash.  While I didn’t have a real bash, or even a mild one, I did enjoy my short time spent with the dastardly Dr. Bash.  Was it good?  Not really.  But, in comparison to the other putrid beverages, this one was a welcomed change.  Like the others, time hadn’t been particularly kind, leaving this drink flatter than my middle school sweetheart (no hard feelings, but, I really do want my copy of The Breakfast Club back).  Still, it had potential to be passable, under the right conditions, and the aforementioned can irony scored it a few bonus points.

Overall Grade: D+

Deon the Distasteful

Magnificent Toy Theatre presents:
Deon the Distasteful

Fingers: So, what I was arguing was that Dostoyevsky was one of the most profound – 

Nay Nay: Sorry to interrupt, but it looks like Deon is coming this way… 

Fingers: No!  He always tells ridiculously offensive jokes at the most awkward times.  Are you sure it’s –

Deon: Whas up???

Nay Nay: Hey… Deon… 

Deon: What’s with the long faces, ladies?  Y’all acting like somebody died.  Anyway, you want to hear a joke? 

Fingers: No thanks, I was just – 

Deon: Peep this shit out…

Deon: What did Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?  They both had a big hit with the wall.

Fingers: Jesus, man, do you have any decorum?  Decency?   That’s just wrong.

Deon: How can you tell if your wife is dead?  The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Nay Nay: Oh, no you didn’t!

Deon: Oh shit, my cell’s blowing up.

Deon: Try this one on for size.  There’s a Chinese couple in bed.  The husband turns to his wife, and says, “I want a 69.”  His wife replies, “you want beef and broccoli now?”

Fingers: That’s blatantly racist, dude. 

Nay Nay: Do you kiss your mommy with that mouth?

Deon: I’ve got one you’ll dig.  What’s brown and hides in the attic?

Deon: The diarrhea of Anne Frank.

Fingers: That’s it… we’re out of here. 

Nay Nay: Insensitive prick.

Deon: I didn’t even get to use my new Virginia Tech one!  Whatever.  Nay Nay, girl, we all know that’s not your real hair!  Outtie 5000.

Yogi Bear Snow Globe - Arby's '96

This miniature snow globe figurine features Yogi Bear – not in winter clothes, mind you, but in what appears to be at least the top-half of a baby blue tuxedo.  The base is neon green, with some type of salt-like deposit crusted onto it in areas.  It was copyrighted in 1995, made in China, and distributed by Arby’s.  My particular globe is missing roughly half of its original water supply; a bunch of stray pieces of “snow” are now stuck to Yogi, like large clumps of salt, many covering his eyes leaving him blind to his current location.

I like this particular piece because it has been nearby my computer desk for years, even though I can’t recall when or where I originally got it.  Fast food tie-in toys are a giant genre themselves, and, there are tons of tiny treasures to find and cherish.  The fact that it’s half-full is neat, too; it signifies to me that it has a lifetime of its own, and that life is halfway over.

Overall Grade: B 

Mike's Chili & Gyros (Hamilton, OH)

Generally speaking chili seems popular with the older crowd, those whom aren’t afraid or embarrassed to eat a dinner consisting predominantly of beans.  It’s rare to see a teenager on a date say, “I’ll take the chili”; but I guess it does happen on occasion.   If you’ve never had a gyro then you’ve either been living under a rock, or, doing your taste buds a severe injustice.  Our mysterious benefactor Mike apparently specializes in both, that’s what led us to sample his cuisine one brisk day last October.

On my side of town, the “East Side”, we’ve been graced with the presence of a Mike’s Chili & Gyros for nearly a decade.  It’s in a relatively small building that used to be a Gold Star Chili.  It’s got a lot of charm, though; a nice or unique atmosphere goes a long way in making a restaurant memorable.  The Mike’s Chili & Gyros we’re reviewing is on the “West Side”, just opening last year, moving into a reasonably new building that was once a Great Steak & Potato Co.  The interior is much more modern than its sister store, and in terms of design, I can say from experience that it’s nearly the exact same as it was when Great Steak was in business there.

Here we are, Amanda and I, on a break in-between classes.  I was sporting a much shaggier hairstyle then, one I hope to surpass in the future.

Amanda was particularly saucy that afternoon – she’s capable of extreme sauciness on occasion, predominantly when she’s had red wine, or, discussing art history.

I took the picture on the left randomly, as kind of a memento of the burgeoning fall.  It makes the dining experience seem more poetic, which I can assure you, it wasn’t.  I had Pepsi; but, since it’s been nearly six months, I can’t recall if I enjoyed it very much.  I’m going to guess I did, because, were it horrible, that’d likely leave a lasting impression.

Here’s the food!  I had the classic lamb gyro, with delicious feta cheese, shredded lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumber sauce.  Amanda had a similar meal, except she substituted chicken for lamb.  The gyros here are top-notch – I’ve eaten gyros at a least a half-dozen places, and these are easily some of the tastiest I’ve had.  Gyros can be a bit pricey, but the quality of the ingredients and overall satisfaction usually warrant the cost.  Their fries are really good, too; the photos don’t really show it, but they sprinkle a seasoning on them that’s really yummy, and something you just don’t get anywhere else.

As you can tell, we were pleased with our choices and experience.  I do like the food at Mike’s Chili & Gyros.  I know a lot of people locally who have never given the restaurants a chance, and they’re definitely missing out.  They also serve burgers, chilidogs, and more.  While I’d hate to see the building on the “West Side” end up vacant again, I honestly don’t see myself going there too terribly often, as I’m just not over on that side of town much.  The “East Side” location is nearby, and, I think inside, both atmosphere and ambiance, is much more satisfactory.  I look forward to frequenting Mike’s in the future, giving a smaller business more patronage, and immensely enjoying gyros.

Overall Grade: B