I was walking around a nefariously dilapidated store, which, with their reputation firmly in mind, I won’t name today. They had a sale going on, and depending on your level of sadomasochism, it was a real treat to stumble upon. Near the back of the dreary store, they had several shelves of beverages, for the astounding price of 5 for 88-cents. Granted, all of the cans and bottles were covered in dust, a sticky coating, or some nightmarish mixture of the two.
Originally, I thought I’d review each of my 5 finds individually. This would make for 5 separate articles, build suspense, and help my stomach lessen the misfortune it had coming. But then, I decided, I can’t deal with the foreboding of seeing these disgusting drinkables in my refrigerator any longer. So, on a chilly May afternoon, I submitted myself to the taste terrors of five incredibly retched and expired sodas.
Let’s get this party started off right, with Fiesta! Grapefruit soda. Grapefruit is a pretty polarizing fruit – you either like it or loathe it. Personally, I rather enjoy a juicy grapefruit. I learned at an early age, from watching my father, that after slicing your grapefruit in half, you then gently coat its interior with sugar for maximum enjoyment. I love how the can tries so hard to be zany, complete with confetti as part of its design.
When it rains, it pours – grapefruit-flavored soda.
Here’s what Fiesta! Grapefruit looks like in a glass. I suppose, to the average passerby, it might look like Sprite – but it’s definitely not.
This was terrible! The most distinguishing factor was how tart it was. It was borderline sour. Also, I was a bit bummed at the color. We all know the inside of a grapefruit is pink, right? The pungent taste, poor choice of color, and the fact that it was expired, giving it a thick, flat consistency, all equated to a disappointing drinking experience.
Overall Grade: D-
To most people, the name IGA doesn’t mean anything – and that’s fair. IGA was a local grocery store. The one in my hometown closed its doors nearly a decade ago. So, under that context, I’m gauging this soda has been expired for a very long time.
The contents of this can finally see the light of day.
My assistant Bottleneck Bertha was eager to give me a hand.
Don’t look too different from any other cola in a glass, but looks can be deceiving.
Its taste reminded me of RC Cola, or to be more exact, RC Cola that hadn’t been opened since the Reagan administration was in power. I can only imagine how it would have treated my taste palate were it not horrendously outdated. For nostalgia sake, and not being completely undrinkable, I can’t find it in my heart to fail this one.
Overall Grade: D
I had no idea what Inca Kola was, besides the fact that it touted itself as “the golden carbonated beverage”. Upon doing some research, I found out that it’s extremely successful in South America, and made in Peru.
They weren’t kidding about the golden gimmick – this stuff was literally blinding.
It went along well with some of my mother’s glassware decorations. Perhaps if not in my stomach, it’ll find at least a temporary home here, until rain and nature take its course.
Behold, in all its golden glory, Inca Kola!
Like band Less Than Jake said in their song “Malt Liquor Tastes Better When You've Got Problems” on their highly underrated 2000 release Borders & Boundaries, “bottoms up to better days”!
Ugh! Do you remember Dum Dum Pops? I found Inca Kola’s flavor strangely reminiscent of the “Cream Soda” variety of Dum Dum Pops. That, or a pineapple rolled around in bacon grease. The fact that it was past expiration didn’t help, too; the consistency was very thick and flat. I burnt the last remnants of my can of Inca Kola onsite.
Overall Grade: D
Jolt Electric Blue
Jolt Cola has always prided their selves on having twice the caffeine as other sodas. Electric Blue, which sounds like the name of a quickly forgotten dance craze, is one of their lesser-known and baffling offerings.
No, that isn’t an indentation on the bottom of the bottle – it’s some sort of nasty, festering, white residue that’s formed due to this thing sitting around for a couple years.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this one.
The strange alluring blue hue instantly brought to my mind the ghost Inky from legendary game Pac-Man.
I’ve had some nasty things in my mouth before (the video footage has been destroyed) but this was easily one of the most foul liquids I’ve yet to have to displeasure of tasting. It tasted as though someone melted a bunch of blue Fla-Vor-Ice popsicles, added in a dosage of grotesque, and let it putrefy in a bottle for a few centuries.
Overall Grade: F
Bashas' Dr. Bash
I thought the irony of this particular case was too good to be true. The beverage is titled Dr. Bash, and coincidently, the only can of it I could find in the store was severely bashed. It looked as though someone dropped it on the ground, picked it up, dropped it again, and then just put it back on the shelf. And, the cashier actually sold this to me like it was perfectly fine!
One soda left to go – I was hoping it’d be an improvement over the others.
Dr. Pepper rip-offs are easy to come by, and usually moderately good. I was curious to see how this one was going to measure up, especially considering its sketchy origins.
The last, and best, beverage of the day was Dr. Bash. While I didn’t have a real bash, or even a mild one, I did enjoy my short time spent with the dastardly Dr. Bash. Was it good? Not really. But, in comparison to the other putrid beverages, this one was a welcomed change. Like the others, time hadn’t been particularly kind, leaving this drink flatter than my middle school sweetheart (no hard feelings, but, I really do want my copy of The Breakfast Club back). Still, it had potential to be passable, under the right conditions, and the aforementioned can irony scored it a few bonus points.
Overall Grade: D+