Last week was Review the World’s one-year anniversary; I didn’t make a bunch of fuss about it on the site, partly because I’ve been swamped with college, but we’ve officially been around for a full year. Fans and friends can send their support, money, tacos, old comic books, used condoms, old VHS copies of The Gate, and any other miscellany to me where I’ll receive it gladly—just e-mail me first.
Today, we’re talking about two of life’s little pleasures, chocolate, and more importantly, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I got this item as a gift for Christmas. It might not seem like much to the average person, which is fair, but for me, it’s little unexpected presents like this that make the holiday so much fun. I was just as excited opening this, as I was when I beat Bionic Commando for the first time at the tender age of 8.
The box artwork is bright and superfluous, but lacking substance, much akin to the cadre of girls I dated in high school. I do admit to the images of Michelangelo dressed as Santa Claus winning me over, garnering a big smile ever time I glimpse them. The tagline on the front, “Fresh from the Sewer” leads me to worry a bit, though. It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it? Being as how we, as educated folk, don’t equate sewers with freshness. Unless you’re sleeping with Swamp Thing, and if that’s the case, I think I can speak for all of us when I say, “that’s hot!”
Here’s our green goliath in all his glory. Michelangelo, the comedy relief of the team, was chosen at random, to be the first chocolate turtle to become better acquainted with my mouth. The artwork on these foil wrappers was very well done, for what it’s worth, which ultimately, is very little.
What the fuck? Now, I’m expecting a chocolate ninja turtle, and I get… this? What is it? It’s like a miniature chocolate reproduction of Dracula’s casket. I was expecting a piece of delicious chocolate featuring the likeliness of my favorite crime fighting turtle team, and instead, get a oddly shaped mockery of no discernable origin. Maybe it’s me, like, perhaps my standards are too high; but wouldn’t you expect something more? I can’t put it in words precisely, but just starring at that odd chunk of chocolate dumbfounds me beyond comprehension.
Mikey, you were never my favorite, but I still had a place for you in my heart. Right next to Gonzo (Muppet Babies), Roadblock (G.I. Joe), Jazz (Transformers), Bleeding Gums Murphy (The Simpsons), and other lower-tier characters that didn’t quite have what it took to be my favorite of their respective bunches. In your own way, I think you’d appreciate me eating this strangely shaped piece of chocolate, especially if I had used it as a pizza topping.
The chocolate was your typical, generic, Easter variety fare; nothing to write home about, but perfectly edible. Well, that was until a few weeks later, when I went to eat Donatello and found an odd white chalky residue all over his chocolate offering. I ate it anyway.
In conclusion, this was a swell Christmas gift, and I enjoyed receiving it and eating it. My closing words are, come next year, seek out at least one or two items like this as small gifts to give, as they’re a lot of fun. Your significant other’s father doesn’t want socks; get him some ginger ale and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle inspired candy, he’ll think a lot differently about you from that day forward.
Overall Grade: B-