Saturday, February 14, 2009

Super Hero Valentine's Day Cards

Valentine’s Day is here again!  Get out the roses, chocolates, and lubricant!  Is it a romantic holiday, or, something more nefarious?  Could it be an ingenious marketing ploy by the card companies like Hallmark?  Who knows, or really cares, because if you’re like me, it’s an excellent excuse to get out of the house with a loved one, go out to a fancy dinner, and remind ourselves that love and humor are two things that make us uniquely human and should be celebrated.  What do superheroes have to do with Valentine’s?  Well, besides most heroes having significant others in the comics, not a lot, but when it comes down to children’s Valentine’s cards there’s not a lot of other, more accurate, choices for boys.

So, with that said, we’re going to take a look at some of what I found to be the oddest of the odd.  I have found memories of elementary school, I’d like to think I was relatively popular with the young ladies, and received a rather large pile of cards on my desk.  I wonder if anyone will be receiving these heroic cards on the special day?

Iron Man burst into theaters last year, making huge box office dollars, and blowing peoples’ minds.  Due to that movie’s overwhelming success, Iron Man merchandise isn’t too hard to find, so it’s no surprise he’d make his Valentine’s debut this year.  On the left card we’re told to have a “heavy metal” V-Day (which I’ll now be lovingly referring to it as).  Really?  Headbanging hyjinks aside, I never really thought metal and pink flowers went together, but even Slayer fans fall in love!  To the right, a “high-flying” V-Day is wished for us, the first of many cards we’ll see in this article that I find to subtly imply drug-use on V-Day.

“Target: Engaged!”  Seriously?  Holy shit!  I’m just trying to take this girl out for salad, steak, and sodomy, dude!  I’m not looking to get my torso blown into bits.  Is this a threatening V-Day card, or what?

So, when they say, “Armor Up!” are they saying, “Wear a condom!”?  And lastly, is Valentine’s Day supposed to be “thrilling”?  Sure, maybe the heart might beat a bit faster, as you lean forward for a special kiss, but when I think thrilling I’m imaging car chases, explosions, and pirates and cowboys playing Checkers with hand grenades.

My V-Day cards came with a poster and stickers!  Thanks Tony Stark, you damn drunk!

So, remember what I said above about these cards hinting at carefree drug-use?  I rest my case.

“Your secrets are safe!”  Notice the exclamation point?  Who’d be the recipient of one of those bad boys?  I’d be kind of freaked out, personally.  And then, “harness the power”, which befuddles me.  Really, I’m drawing a blank on this one’s relevance to anybody without super powers of their own.

This was an extra big V-Day card, and, I decorated it appropriately with a sticker-covered crotch.

The Superman cards came with tons of temporary tattoos.  Well, I suppose the iconic logo gets permanently tattooed on plenty of hapless halfwits, but at least give us the original, not the bastardized movie version.

The Incredible Hulk is known for his anger issues, but wow, his V-Day cards are just criminally un-romantic.  You hope “it’s a blast”?  You mean, like the one Bruce Banner was involved in, that soaked him in gamma radiation, thus turning him into a green psychopath with the most complicated life imaginable?  No thanks!  “Feel your pulse rising!” ladies!  Or, don’t, because if you get one of these it’s likely to be met with a lukewarm reaction like a biopic on Notorious B.I.G.

I don’t think any females want their male counterparts to have “raging” good times on V-Day; that’d likely entail police violations, unabashed lawlessness, and utter anarchy.  Check please!  “Hulk out!”  This is a joke, right?  I sure hope so, because I just picked myself up from the floor where I writhed in a fit of laughter at the mere thought of that being a suitable V-Day card for anyone not locked in a psychiatric ward.

I think getting and/or receiving a “Have an incredible smash!” card is a precursor to future spousal abuse.  And lastly, “Paint the town green!”  I’m not sure what this implies.  So, I guess we’ll take it literally, and do the following to our families and friends:

Sorry, Joshua, the V-Day card Cindy gave me told me to do it!

Well, as I write this, my wife is working an overnight shift, so I’ve prepared her a V-Day surprise in her absence.  Behold a kitchen cabinet pre-Valentine’s magic—now open the door slowly…

Look out!  Yes, Hulk will be jumping into our faces whenever we need a glass or bowl for now on.  Or, until my wife tears down this crudely produced novelty poster and tosses it in the garbage.