Monday, June 29, 2020
This past Friday while recreating the Fridays of my own misspent youth I ventured into the local video store to corral some righteous snacks and a few digital video discs for my eyes’ consumption. Towards the checkout desk was an egregiously diverse and ample candy display. I saw lots of stuff I’d love to cover on RtW but this time I left with these Star Wars-themed candy ropes.
Their registered trademark says NERDS but let’s simply say Nerds, shall we? My own history with Nerds has one standout memory. As a youth when I’d be brought to Dairy Queen and get to pick an ingredient for my Blizzard (for those without Dairy Queen, for starters my condolences, but Blizzards are essentially ice cream whipped in a blender with candies and other toppings mixed in) I’d bypass the more popular choices like Reese’s Pieces or M&M’s and in a totally six-year-old move get Rainbow Nerds in my ice cream. The sum total of this edible experiment would be a tie-dyed taste terror of sour, crunchy sugar bits tainting a perfectly fine vanilla robbing it of its smooth finish with shards of squalid sugar crystal.
In years past I’ve come to know Nerds for their seasonal fare: Spooky Nerds (Halloween), Frosty Nerds (Christmas), Valentine Nerds (‘natch), and Hoppin’ Nerds (Easter). But this? We’ve gone to a galaxy far, far away and brought back Star Wars Nerd Ropes. Up first is the Light Side Raspberry edition. This loopy, limp candy rope dons the blue hue utilized in the lightsabers of such Jedi luminaries as Obi-Wan Kenobi and Plo Koon. I think there’s a scene in The Last Jedi where Kit Fisto is eating a candy rope but it got left on the cutting room floor. That’s Hollywood for you.
Then you’ve got the cool, raging Red of Dark Side Cherry! Donning the darkness of the red lightsabers used by such fan favorites as baddie Darth Vader and Depa Billaba. This one may seem on the surface the more ordinary of the two but packs a sour wallop that’d even make Even Piell’s ears stand up straight.
Unlike actual lightsabers we quickly found these aren’t ideal for duels. Instead it became a whipping fight better suited to an Indiana Jones promotional tie-in as we smacked candy ropes, clattering in combat, loose Nerds shooting astray, until one victor remained standing: Dark Side Cherry. Personally, I think the Light Side rope is dreamy, I’m loving the shades of blue and standing up for all that’s right and light in the universe, but the Dark Side is strong, its allure undeniable, and its flavor unmatched.
Saturday, June 13, 2020
A month or so ago I was doing a routine grocery run. While picking up my usual items, some beef jerky and snacks for those late nights watching movies or UFC events, my kids’ favorite edibles (strictly of the Teddy Graham variety, no hallucinogens here), I stumbled upon an item in the cookie aisle that made my face aglow like a child actor in an ‘80’s TV ad. Chips Ahoy! Sour Patch Kids unbelievably existed and I’d found them in the wild.
I quickly took to Twitter to deliver a slap that’d make “Dr. D” David Schultz proud. I posted my findings not knowing that the majority of my friends and followers had never even knew of their existence! But neither had I until seconds prior. I believe the last time I had a junk food scoop of that magnitude was when we were first to cover the Jones Soda Easter flavors (editor’s note: still a personal favorite video, our energy level was through the roof).
These days the preferred format of RtW tomfoolery is video content but with the tragic pandemic halting life as we formerly knew it these cookies sat atop my fridge for far too long. So today I unsheathed these bakery boys from their slumber and prepared myself for an awkward encounter. This is far from the first time Sour Patch has appeared on my beloved blog. Just last Fall my children joined me for a review of Sour Patch Cereal, back in May of 2018 while in the Texas heat I sampled Sour Patch Kids Fire with friends, and atop a rooftop in downtown Hamilton, OH I was joined by buddy Nick to investigate Extreme Sour Patch Kids.
All pretense aside I know you’re here predominantly because you want to know how these monstrosities taste. I’m going to jump right out in say in flavor they’re somewhere between licking in-between Moss Man’s toes and snorting sour powdered candy with Goldenrod. These are an epic misfire. Which, maybe, makes them even more memorable? The Sour Patch cereal referenced above was begrudgingly edible, hell, my kids genuinely liked it! But these cookies are putrid pieces of poopy awash in garishly colored candy chips. You see the green chip near the bottom? Those are fairly fine, and I foolishly expected the cookies to be traditional Chips Ahoy! with a few “sour” chips mixed in for fun. Where these step off the cliff into uneatable territory is the rubber bits of actual Sour Patch Kids gummies! See the orange rubbery pieces near the top of the cookie? That’s actual gummy candy inside a cookie. The incongruity of crunchy cookies melded with chewy, sticky candy is one I’ll likely not soon forget. I’m about as least a picky eater as you’ll find but I only needed one of these cookies to forever close the book on their rancidness.
In closing, their legacy may be miniscule, these haven’t appeared to have made much a dent or impact on the online circles I frequent. But nobody can deny their batshit insanity. We’ve seen cookie companies like Oreo bastardize their good name unloading untold amounts of odd varieties onto store shelves but Chips Ahoy! has outdone them all. I let Godzilla do the Humpty Dance on them until they were crumbs.
Overall Grade: C-
Tuesday, June 2, 2020
We enter the fourth month of the Kit Kat Countdown with Porta Potty hijinks, Japan’s riff on a dark chocolate and mint Kit Kat, and a deep, abiding love for all things wafer. Mere inches away from a portable toilet the guys discuss and dissect, giving a puerile pontification on Premium Mint Kit Kat from Japan. Enjoy!