Tuesday, January 17, 2006

McDonald's Breakfast

I got a McDonalds gift card from a member of my fiancé’s family for Christmas.  This is one of those gifts you get that just, well, screams that the purchaser has no idea whatsoever to buy the recipient.  I’m not pointing fingers, though; this happens to thousands each year.  However, given the option, I’d rather eat Indian food, or visit a Chinese buffet, or hell, even eat a rotting corpse before I’d step foot in a McDonalds.  I thought about selling the gift, but was usually too preoccupied sitting on our new couch, watching old episodes of Tales From the Crypt, to actually go out and exert energy attempting to find a buyer.  Amanda’s car was being repaired, so I had to take her to work one morning at 5:00AM.  On the way back to our apartment I had an epiphany… I’ve got a plastic card that will score me some free breakfast, even if it is from hell itself!

After complications, which I won’t get into for brevity sake, let’s just say “intolerable fucking staff”, I finally got my sack of saturated fat and hurried home to ingest my goodies.  The first thing that struck me as completely frivolous was the following statement, “I’m gold’n”, which was plastered on the side of my beverage cup.  I can most assuredly say that a few hours later, while I was sitting painfully on the toilet, I was feeling far from “gold’n”.

I got Hi-C as opposed to say, orange juice or coffee, for no discernable reason or purpose outside of personal taste.  I suppose that’s a rather complicated way or saying I really wanted Hi-C.  It makes me contented.  Suffice to say, it was easily the most redeeming part of this meal.  Secondly, you’ll see the infamous McDonalds hashbrown.  Kick a little salt on it, and some ketchup; if you’re that type of girl, you’ll find it swell enough.  It doesn’t have a lot of flavor, outside of grease; so don’t get your hopes up.

Now, for the record, here’s an item from McDonalds that I don’t despise.  A sausage McMuffin with egg and cheese, truly a palatable powerhouse if ever there was one.  I’ve actually been getting these since I was in elementary school.  I remember feeling overjoyed when, on a family trip to Columbus, Ohio in my youth, I awoke in a hotel with a serious case of “bed head”, only to find a McMuffin waiting my awakening.  There’s a lot of flavor going on here, although I doubt anyone would consider this a healthful choice, it’s arguably one of the better tasting things on their breakfast menu.  A warning, though, their sausage is almost guaranteed to tear up your stomach—so be prepared to spend some time perched on porcelain later on.

Lastly, we’ll discuss this edible atrocity, the horrid breakfast burrito.  I’ve had these in the past, and although they’re uniformly revolting, I still oddly find myself getting them every full moon or so.  Mark my words… I will never eat a McDonalds breakfast burrito again.  This thing was dry, flavorless, and ultimately insipid.  There’s not much else I can say about it, outside of it being a food failure of the highest order.  How about, maybe some fresh vegetables, for example?  Whatever the solution might be, they definitely need to reinvent this item and retool it completely.

In closing, I’d recommend avoiding McDonalds at all cost, especially for breakfast.  There are a lot of other restaurants that serve breakfast, and if you can’t make it to a diner or nicer establishment, there are other fast food alternatives, too; even Burger King, for instance, and their French toast sticks are the definition of yummy.  You’ll most likely be able to find something on McDonalds breakfast menu that will appease your hunger, but it’s doubtful you’ll have a satisfying meal, and you can guarantee your stomach won’t appreciate it.

Overall Grade: D 

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