Hey everyone! Has it really been since last October that I unveiled an actual article? How in the hell are you guys? I apologize for the lack of reviews but hope that in the meantime some of you have checked out some of the videos I've been posting regularly elsewhere on the site. So much has happened since my last article -- my wife and I moved into our first house, I graduated college, and most unbelievably amazing of all... I'm now the proud parent of the ridiculously adorable Owen Leo!
Things are returning to some form of normalcy, my wife's back to work, and I have taken on the new role of dad duty. Today (like many) I had about an hour window of opportunity to get out of the house and enjoy some short-lived freedom. In the hallowed building that formerly held iconic toy store Johnny's Toys now resides Grandview Weekend Outlet, a nefariously cheesy, desecrated D-level Big Lots imitation, it's the home of some of the most old, cheap wares you'll likely ever see. But, still, to walk the floors that once belonged to one of the most magical toy stores this '80's kid ever encountered is worth the trip. While there, surrounded by such oddities as Easter bunny lapel pins and toy slime that dried up decades ago (not to mention a peculiar Fat Albert-themed robe) inspiration hit. I needed to do a review! When I get that feeling I literally want to review every item in every aisle of every store. And, I seriously wish I could do that for your reading pleasure and my own uncanny kicks. That leads us to today -- a brand-new review!
One of the very first things I ever wrote about for RtW was Kid Cuisine (Rock'n Roll Taco Roll-Ups to be exact). Now, over five years later, everyone's favorite kids-themed TV dinners make their triumphant return. I'm a guy who likes seafood more than most (as a child one yearly birthday gift was going to a restaurant of my choice, which in my case was undoubtedly always Red Lobster). That being said, was I even gutsy enough to put on my wetsuit and take the "Deep Sea Adventure"?
Before pursuing further, take a moment to really soak in the packaging above, it's rather stupendous. Yes, why yes, you are correct. That is indeed ducks dressed as both Frankenstein's monster and a chivalrous knight. Even if I could tell you why (I can't) I wouldn't, as whatever fantasy scenario you've cooked up in your twisted head is likely much cooler.
Here's the meal sans proper heating. It appears to be a paltry assortment of minced fish flesh put into irregular shapes, some frozen "vegetables" (I wish I had a radish like in Super Mario Bros. 2 I could throw at the wise guy that left out the greens!), and a package of "Gummi Worm Fish Bait" which is pretty adorable.
Your dinner is served! Light the candles, dim the lights, and put on some mood music. It's time to eat. I threw my worms haphazardly to give the appearance of a full-on invasion. My excuse for their unlikely color schemes was a mad scientist dipped them in a potion hence they're radioactively radical hues. Sadly, they were the worst part of the meal. The worms were stale and offensive tasting. The corn, while I've never processed it well (too much information?), was fine and a nice accompaniment. I've never been the biggest macaroni and cheese fan but would never turn down a bowl, especially if I was a meddlesome houseguest like Alf. Finally, the fishsticks, while not entirely unlike nibbling on the Ray Fillet, weren't bad. I like my fish like I like my women... battered (kidding!). Use a condiment like cocktail or tartar sauce to make them more palatable.
I don't know what it is about Kid Cuisine but I just can't stop myself from opening the freezer door at the grocery and picking a box or two up on occasion. It'd be embarrassing to be an old man getting food marketed towards grade school goofballs but that's apparently the road I'm headed down. As always, thanks so much for reading, and hopefully it won't be another half-year before I moisten your unmentionables with another article!
Overall Grade: B-