Magnificent Toy Theatre presents:
Deon the Distasteful
Fingers: So, what I was arguing was that Dostoyevsky was one of the most profound –
Nay Nay: Sorry to interrupt, but it looks like Deon is coming this way…
Fingers: No! He always tells ridiculously offensive jokes at the most awkward times. Are you sure it’s –
Deon: Whas up???
Nay Nay: Hey… Deon…
Deon: What’s with the long faces, ladies? Y’all acting like somebody died. Anyway, you want to hear a joke?
Fingers: No thanks, I was just –
Deon: Peep this shit out…
Deon: What did Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? They both had a big hit with the wall.
Fingers: Jesus, man, do you have any decorum? Decency? That’s just wrong.
Deon: How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Nay Nay: Oh, no you didn’t!
Deon: Oh shit, my cell’s blowing up.
Deon: Try this one on for size. There’s a Chinese couple in bed. The husband turns to his wife, and says, “I want a 69.” His wife replies, “you want beef and broccoli now?”
Fingers: That’s blatantly racist, dude.
Nay Nay: Do you kiss your mommy with that mouth?
Deon: I’ve got one you’ll dig. What’s brown and hides in the attic?
Deon: The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
Fingers: That’s it… we’re out of here.
Nay Nay: Insensitive prick.
Deon: I didn’t even get to use my new Virginia Tech one! Whatever. Nay Nay, girl, we all know that’s not your real hair! Outtie 5000.
This miniature snow globe figurine features Yogi Bear – not in winter clothes, mind you, but in what appears to be at least the top-half of a baby blue tuxedo. The base is neon green, with some type of salt-like deposit crusted onto it in areas. It was copyrighted in 1995, made in China, and distributed by Arby’s. My particular globe is missing roughly half of its original water supply; a bunch of stray pieces of “snow” are now stuck to Yogi, like large clumps of salt, many covering his eyes leaving him blind to his current location.
I like this particular piece because it has been nearby my computer desk for years, even though I can’t recall when or where I originally got it. Fast food tie-in toys are a giant genre themselves, and, there are tons of tiny treasures to find and cherish. The fact that it’s half-full is neat, too; it signifies to me that it has a lifetime of its own, and that life is halfway over.
Generally speaking chili seems popular with the older crowd, those whom aren’t afraid or embarrassed to eat a dinner consisting predominantly of beans. It’s rare to see a teenager on a date say, “I’ll take the chili”; but I guess it does happen on occasion. If you’ve never had a gyro then you’ve either been living under a rock, or, doing your taste buds a severe injustice. Our mysterious benefactor Mike apparently specializes in both, that’s what led us to sample his cuisine one brisk day last October.
On my side of town, the “East Side”, we’ve been graced with the presence of a Mike’s Chili & Gyros for nearly a decade. It’s in a relatively small building that used to be a Gold Star Chili. It’s got a lot of charm, though; a nice or unique atmosphere goes a long way in making a restaurant memorable. The Mike’s Chili & Gyros we’re reviewing is on the “West Side”, just opening last year, moving into a reasonably new building that was once a Great Steak & Potato Co. The interior is much more modern than its sister store, and in terms of design, I can say from experience that it’s nearly the exact same as it was when Great Steak was in business there.
Here we are, Amanda and I, on a break in-between classes. I was sporting a much shaggier hairstyle then, one I hope to surpass in the future.
Amanda was particularly saucy that afternoon – she’s capable of extreme sauciness on occasion, predominantly when she’s had red wine, or, discussing art history.
I took the picture on the left randomly, as kind of a memento of the burgeoning fall. It makes the dining experience seem more poetic, which I can assure you, it wasn’t. I had Pepsi; but, since it’s been nearly six months, I can’t recall if I enjoyed it very much. I’m going to guess I did, because, were it horrible, that’d likely leave a lasting impression.
Here’s the food! I had the classic lamb gyro, with delicious feta cheese, shredded lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumber sauce. Amanda had a similar meal, except she substituted chicken for lamb. The gyros here are top-notch – I’ve eaten gyros at a least a half-dozen places, and these are easily some of the tastiest I’ve had. Gyros can be a bit pricey, but the quality of the ingredients and overall satisfaction usually warrant the cost. Their fries are really good, too; the photos don’t really show it, but they sprinkle a seasoning on them that’s really yummy, and something you just don’t get anywhere else.
As you can tell, we were pleased with our choices and experience. I do like the food at Mike’s Chili & Gyros. I know a lot of people locally who have never given the restaurants a chance, and they’re definitely missing out. They also serve burgers, chilidogs, and more. While I’d hate to see the building on the “West Side” end up vacant again, I honestly don’t see myself going there too terribly often, as I’m just not over on that side of town much. The “East Side” location is nearby, and, I think inside, both atmosphere and ambiance, is much more satisfactory. I look forward to frequenting Mike’s in the future, giving a smaller business more patronage, and immensely enjoying gyros.
Why the famed Justice League would need cars is beyond me – Superman and Hawkgirl can fly, Green Lantern can use his ring’s powers to levitate and travel that way, The Flash is faster than the speed of light, and even Wonder Woman has that awesome invisible jet. And, even if they’d actually want vehicles, you’d think they’d go with something less showy, like a new Ferrari, instead of a car that doubles as a giant billboard advertising whom the owner is.
Hawkgirl has the most leisurely ride, so her and sometimes lover Hawkman can cruise around a metropolitan city after some Italian food and opera. Wonder Woman’s car is supposed to be invisible, but that’s rendered useless, by the giant yellow logo that appears three times.
Superman’s car not only has red rims, but also red windshields! I can’t imagine any situation that Superman would need to use a car as a mode of transportation. One interesting aside, his car is the only one that doesn’t feature a Hot Wheels logo anywhere on it. I give Green Lantern style points; his sporty ride is definitely the most visually appealing. Lastly, The Flash’s car, complete with grotesque yellow windows, and some giant mustard colored piece of machinery near the backend, that’d look more appropriate in the factories of Uptown Sinclair’s The Jungle than a car.
Ultimately, these are kind of neat little keepsakes, depending on your degree of interest on the show, and how cheap you can find them. I got pretty lucky, scoring them on clearance for $1.24. So, I’m definitely happy with my purchase – even if I’m not a huge fan of the designs. Any more than $5.00, though, and you’re better off buying an action figure, or better yet, putting that money towards the four-disc Justice League - Season Two DVD set. It seems an obvious choice would have been Batman’s beloved Batmobile, but what do I know?
It was sweltering, sizzling, scorching, and unbelievably fun. Disney’s Animal Kingdom mixes the theme park formula with a zoo – the results are largely impressive. In terms of design, it’s a beast and a beauty to behold. The meticulous detail in determining plants, animals, and decorations is overwhelming to comprehend. If you go when it’s hot, like I did, be prepared for a lot of walking, as you’ll literally feel like you’re managing your way through a jungle.
Below is my comprehensive review of everything Disney’s Animal Kingdom has to offer. The photographs used are of the highest quality, loading times may vary depending on your connection speed, but, I felt it was the best way to showcase the beauty and breadth of this amazing place. I’ll do my best to offer rich analytical commentary, and, there’s a couple video clips thrown in for fun, too. Enjoy!
Disney's Animal Kingdom
This photo of me was snapped almost instantaneously upon entering the park. We wanted to be there bright and early, right when the gates were opened to the public.
This parrot beckoned me with its beautiful and vibrant colors. He squawked out some advice to me, suggesting which direction to head first, and where to get a good drink later that night.
Tree of Life
I can’t seem to pull my eyes away from the image above – it’s stunning and just a perfect display and visual summarization of the awe of Disney’s Animal Kingdom. After a bit of a walk, it’s straight ahead from the front entrance, and as you can see, we’re part of the humongous crowd that was there when the park opened.
If you look at the tree itself, you’ll notice there are over a 100 unique animals carved into its surface. It’s a visual marvel, something that you almost can’t believe upon viewing it. This is an iconic feature of Disney’s Animal Kingdom, and something that left an undeniable impression upon me.
Grade: A
It's Tough to be a Bug!
Inside the famed Tree of Life is another attraction entirely. There’s a theatre in the tree, where you’re treated to a spectacle that you experience not just visually, but through your other senses as well, like smell, touch, etc. You’ll wear special glasses, that make the images pop out right in your face, which will likely be sporting a goofy expression. The bugs on the screen make their presences known in other ways, too; like the bees which physically sting your butt, and, the skunks that spray you with an awful odor. It’s a very fun time, for kids and adults alike, and not to be missed.
Grade: A-
Kilimanjaro Safaris
Kilimanjaro Safaris is arguably this theme park’s most respected and beloved attraction. You’ll board a jeep, driven by your host, with several other park goers. The jeep takes you through a safari, or a pretty good facsimile of one, where you’ll be able to see a lot of animals. There’s a, rather hokey, in my opinion, plot that appears halfway through the ride, too. There’s dangerous poachers picking on the poor animals, they’ll end up shooting machine guns at your jeep, but in the end, the day is ultimately saved.
This is a view of the inner-jeep, where it’s often handy to rely on others’ help to spot animals on the prowl.
Here’s one of several amazing views that are evocative of the lush scenery you’ll see amid your stroll.
This tree, the way the light hit it, the breathtaking sky, etc. Everything about this photo is amazing to me.
You never know what's around in the corner during Kilimanjaro Safaris.
Looking from your seat in the jeep, you’ll often be greeted by views similar to the one above.
There are always several jeeps taking the trek simultaneously, as this ride is extremely popular, and the lines can be monstrous.
Don’t know what particular animal this is – but I did have a dream that night, of him (or her) riding a surfboard in a sea of grape soda.
VIDEO CLIP
This clip’s only like, four seconds, but it gives you an idea what it’s like to creep up on the animals – plus the little kid going nuts is sort of cute.
Here’s another unrecognizable, to me, animal doing their thing.
This baby elephant stole the hearts, and wallets, of several people onboard our jeep.
These rhinos make Aleksei Sytsevich (Rhino from Spider-Man lore) look tame by comparison.
Look, it’s Aslan! I think.
This zebra struck a pose for us as we drove by, then, he went and totally gnawed some grass.
Waterfalls are abundant at Disney’s Animal Kingdom – but come on, seriously, who doesn’t love and/or appreciate a waterfall when they see one?
This was one of the most surreal animal viewing experiences we had, as this amazing creature, so powerful and imposing, was right near us.
The experienced soured quickly, as I yelled out at him to give his reaction to the much-maligned 1995 film Congo.
Grade: A+
Pangani Forest Exploration Trail
This attraction was basically a glorified zoo, but, a good opportunity to get to see and be near a lot of spectacular species’.
Not sure what this animal is, honestly, but it had the ass of a zebra, and that made it totally okay with me.
We were then being huddled into a sketchy edifice of some sort. Point of interest to me is the girl with the shorts that have writing across the ass cheeks; it always befuddled me why someone would choose to wear something that directs others’ eyes directly to their buttocks.
This lizard was equally as intimidating as The Lizard of comic book fame, minus the ripped white lab coat, and ludicrous origin.
This lowly little creature was shy, as shy as me, the first time I was out on the floor doing the Electric Slide.
Like I stated earlier, waterfalls are aplenty here, but great places to stop and rest for a minute.
These little creatures were adorable. I had a hard time getting a good picture of one, because they were so quick, still, they’re a lot of fun to watch.
Here’s another example of monkey business in Disney’s Animal Kingdom.
He looks a lot like Gorilla Grodd – the celebrity cameos just keep coming!
Grade: B-
After having forestry fun in the park’s Africa section, we made our way to the exotic attractions of Asia.
A sausage tree! I love these things – they’re so absurd. I first encountered one on a previous Florida vacation, while exploring Parrot Jungle Island in Miami, FL.
They really did a great job designing and decorating the park, especially in the Asia section.
Some of the areas felt like a set of a movie.
Everywhere you looked were startling and sensational views.
The detail in the buildings is phenomenal.
Just like this guy with the biceps, walking around, you truly feel like you’re in a completely foreign place.
This little area was reminiscent of a small cemetery and very enchanting.
Can you imagine if the neighborhood ice cream man drove around in a truck like this?
Expedition Everest
Expedition Everest is one of Disney’s newest attractions, a beast of a roller coaster, and something that you can positively not miss.
This behemoth pales in my eyes to only one other mountain, that being the infamous Aggro Crag of Nickelodeon GUTS fame.
This isn’t just any normal roller coaster, either; halfway through your wild ride your cart suddenly stops, and you see that the track has been broken and mangled. As your brain starts pondering what could have caused this catastrophe, your cart starts going backwards into a dark cavern. This is where you meet the mighty Yeti, or, “Abominable Snowman.” I won’t say anymore than that, but, be prepared for one of the most fun and exhilarating ride experiences you’ll ever have.
Grade: A+
Kali River Rapids
I’ve rode rides similar to Kali River Rapids before, but never any done so splendidly.
Still, know what you’re getting yourself into, because, there’s a chance you’ll get absolutely soaked. During our ride, sharing a raft with us was a park employee enjoying a day off with her family. She said that the way it’s designed, two people usually get the brunt of the aqua assault – I immediately knew it’d be me. Sure enough come nearing the end of the ride, the waters got rough, and a gigantic wave came over my head from behind me, leaving me totally drenched.
I was wetter than Aquaman at a southern California gangsta pool party.
Amanda wasn’t as happy about the unexpected shower, but she survived.
Grade: B-
Maharajah Jungle Trek
This attraction is another akin to a zoo, like the Pangani Forest Exploration Trail in the Africa section, but certainly worth your time.
This sign, near the entryway, promises rare creatures and plenty of high-five opportunities.
Here’s a truly dangerous dude, the legendary Komodo dragon.
This musty swamp, and lush tropical scenery, is very common surroundings during your trek.
There’s a bloodsucker, and I’m not talking about Walt Disney!
The fact that I can’t look at a bat and not subconsciously think of Batman is a testament to my being a supreme nerd.
This is just an overall cool place to stop and take a break at, relax and reflect, and splash some moderately dirty water on your face.
Here’s another fantastic example of the excellence in design at Disney’s theme parks.
When I saw this tree lying uprooted on the ground, I spent some time meditatively pondering on its past, present, and future.
I caught these people enjoying some shade and discussing a recent episode of My Name Is Earl.
This statue would make a great centerpiece to any room – even if it does look like two turtles fu*king.
The tigers are easily one of the most fun animals to just stand there and kind of stare at for a while. We see them so much on television, etc. but it’s not every day you get to be so close to any in-person.
This statue looks like something Poison Ivy would have on display in her hideout.
I tried to throw a penny in this fountain, but Mickey Mouse appeared and dropkicked me.
This is one of my personal favorite pictures I took during the entire trip. I love the way the light hits the leaves, and the bricks in the background.
Even though it’s kind of blurry, I still wanted to include this picture, if for no other reason than to immortalize that weird doorway of chains.
This looks like some kind of ritualistic torture hut that reminded me of Apocalypse Now.
In conclusion, I think the Maharajah Jungle Trek is a nice little detour from the more popular attractions. You can stroll at your own pace, plus, the exhibits are designed superbly and the selection of animals is impressive.
Grade: B+
Next, we ventured over to DinoLand U.S.A., which is a bright section of the park dedicated to… dinosaurs! It’s designed like a carnival, which is a lot of fun; in fact, there’s even a section called Fossil Fun Games where you can play carnival-style games with a “prehysterical dino twist.”
Here’s another look at DinoLand U.S.A. I asked the man on the far left if I could get on his shoulders for a ride like his little boy – I think he thought I was joking.
Primeval Whirl
This ride actually has a pretty unique and awesome premise. It’s a roller coaster, however, your cart spins constantly as you ride! The coaster isn’t that big or anything, but it’s still worth checking out for bizarreness alone.
Here’s Amanda waiting patiently for her opportunity to whirl.
Grade:B-
Dino-Sue
Dino-Sue is the largest and most complete T-Rex ever found – that alone scores this attraction some serious points. I’d rank this with some of the most amazing things I’ve seen, like the Hollywood Sign, Sears Tower in Chicago, and this time at a party where a guy got naked and did a backflip in the middle of a backyard while shitting.
Grade:B+
The Boneyard
This attraction is essentially a playground with a dinosaur theme.
Visually, like most things at the park, it’s definitely impressive.
As well as hosting its own dinosaur, kids also get an opportunity to slip, slither, slide, and crawl. One small child looked at me dumbfounded, as his parents came to retrieve him, I assured them that “my mammoth isn’t wooly.”
Maybe exhaustion from the heat and a ton of walking hampered my spirits, but honestly, I think after seeing Honey, I Shrunk the Kids Movie Set Adventure at Disney-MGM Studios this playground paled in comparison.
Grade:C+
Some performing group was trying to rap about animals to passerby – the only thing more amazing than the guy’s beastiality question is the dude on the right and his extremely over the top reaction. Priceless!
DINOSAUR
Amanda had been to this park before, and talked rather consistently in the weeks prior to our trip, almost exclusively about this ride and the amount of awesomeness it contained.
While you’re inside waiting in line, which is generally gigantic, there’s a lot of really neat stuff to look at.
Here’s some more of the stuff you’ll see on display while waiting to ride the beastly DINOSAUR.
I’ve got to be honest – this ride is completely insane! I loved it, but wow, I never expected the intensity it provides in droves. You zip back 65 million years to the Cretaceous period, where darkness, loud roars, and some of the most frightening prehistoric beasts you’ve ever imagined greet you. I definitely wouldn’t take a young child on it, but, if you like excitement and being thrilled, then you’ve definitely got to experience DINOSAUR. Then, when you’re finished, check out the gift shop for all kinds of prehistoric paraphernalia.
Grade:A-
I didn’t eat there, but according to my guide map, Restaurantosaurus serves McDonald’s fries, freshly tossed salads, amongst other things. I asked the guy with the outrageously big top hat what he ate, his response was “cocaine’s a hell of a drug!”
There are all sorts of shops all over the park – if you get some spare time it’s a lot of fun to look around and maybe even buy a souvenir or three.
We then began our trek over to Camp Minnie-Mickey.
This is the section of Disney’s Animal Kingdom most designed for small children. There’s not a lot to actually do there, with the exception of meeting characters, and it hosts two live shows.
Still, as always, its design is immaculate and a pure joy to behold.
I knew it was a very touristy thing to do, but, I had to take a picture of this. Come on, you know you’d have done the same thing! Stop judging me.
Festival of the Lion King
If you want to cool off a little, plus, be thoroughly entertained then you’ve got to catch a showing of Festival of the Lion King.
Just look at this picture and let me assure you… yes it really is that amazing.
The show features music, dance, and specialty performances, including my favorite, some astounding acrobatics. There’s really no reason, if you’re spending a day at the park, that you shouldn’t fit some time into your itinerary to witness this spectacular show.
Grade:A
Other Stuff:
Of the four Disney theme parks we attended, we generally hit almost every attraction they offered; but, due to largely heat exhaustion and general fatigue, we missed a handful of things at Disney’s Animal Kingdom.
Among them are: two live shows, Tarzan Rocks! and Pocahontas and Her Forest Friends, TriceraTop Spin, another Carnival spin-off over in DinoLand U.S.A., and Flights of Wonder, a bird show I was looking forward to seeing. Also, we missed an entire area, Rafiki’s Planet Watch, which hosts Habitat Habit!,Conservation Station, and Affection Section, and more. It’s essentially an area designed to showcase how they care for their animals, as well as their commitment towards conservation.
In conclusion, Disney’s Animal Kingdom is a really great theme park; although it can’t compare to Magic Kingdom and its, well, magic, nor Epcot and its diversity, or Disney-MGM and their powerful pop culture tie-ins, it still manages to be impressive, and offer its own individual appeal. If you like the outdoors and/or animals, than you can’t miss it. However, if you’re on a budget, or can only do a couple parks, this one likely takes last in overall appeal and value.
