Monday, March 7, 2005

Kids Cuisine - Rock'n Roll Taco Roll-Ups

There comes a time in every man's life when he must eat a Rock'n Roll Taco Roll-Up.  In the minuscule shopping plaza I work in there's not much else except a little Mexican restaurant.  So, obviously, I've found my way over there on several occasions.  My favorite item on their menu is called "taquitos" and they are essentially little tortilla roll-ups with shredded beef and vegetables inside.  So, when I saw everyone's favorite children's TV dinner company producing something similar I added it to my shopping cart immediately.

Here I am endorsing the Kid Cuisine line.  I'm not sure if that's a wise move or not, associating yourself with Kid Cuisine might be like wearing pink socks in fifth grade gym class.  I'll take my chances.

Although I can't really explain my fascination with TV dinners marketed towards children, I can show you what the food looked like.  On the left you'll see the food still sealed and just begging to be freed of it's plastic shackles.  On the right, you'll get a glimpse of what my meal looked like after I had finished microwaving it.  Doesn't look particularly revolting, does it?  I just might be safe.


Oh, shit.  Here's where things get interesting.  One of the selling tools behind this particular entree is that you get color changing crackling candy.  Say that five times fast.  We dare you.  Anyway, it seemed innocent enough.  The kids would love it!  I was actually thrilled myself, until..

What the fuck just happened to my pudding?  This mound of muck looks like something that'd shoot out of The Toxic Avenger's dick!  You've got to be kidding me?  I've seen fecal matter more appealing and appetizing.

After I calmed down from that little scare, I went on to finish the meal.  I kept waiting for someone to jump out of a closet or from underneath my kitchen sink with a video camera filming my embarrassing exploits and pointing his or her finger at me chanting, "rock'n roll roll-up!”  But, alas it was just my aching stomach and I.

Let's talk about the food itself for a minute.  The taco roll-ups themselves weren't seriously bad, but they made Taco Bell look like a five-star restaurant in comparison.  The cheese sauce had more personality than my last three girlfriends.  The pudding, well, look at the pictures above and I'm sure you'll be able to gauge a pretty accurate opinion for yourself.  I did taste it, and it was unbearably sweet but otherwise not that putrid.  As I assumed, the corn was the best part hands down.  Overall, I'm glad I made it through alive and will dedicate my life to warning others of color changing crackling candy.

Yes, I know the grade might seem a little high but there's some uncanny factor playing into it all.  Admittedly, the box artwork is cool and compelling enough to steal a glance.  The styling blue plastic TV dinner tray added some bonus points also.  The food wasn't retched, but I wouldn't recommend to anyone that actually has an appetite.  There's just not enough substance there.  Still, Kid Cuisine holds a special albeit odd place in my heart.  I salute the guitar totting duck on the cover; this rock'n roll roll-up review is for you!

Overall Grade: B 


  1. I hate you this was my favorite meal as a kid

    1. I've still got one left in the freezer if you want to break bread with me and smooth over our differences

  2. they discontinued these got damn things