I was walking down the aisle of a pharmacy, passively feigning interest in the glossy covers of magazines featuring nubile women, when I’d rather be closely examining the desolate shopping cart at the end of the row overstuffed with recently discounted Halloween candies and assorted junk. I live for convenience store oddities, like the cheapest knock-off brand soda and corn chips staler than your grandpa’s jokes about flappers.
On a recent excursion I found this brilliantly insulting gem and knew, just like that time at Billy’s “World Ender” party in ’99, she’d be coming home with me. Never before had I really seen the colors pink and yellow so boldly and brazenly used in conjunction—I was flabbergasted, aghast, and strangely contented. I’ve got to give them bonus points for the packaging. Seriously, this looks like the real deal, a nasty package of sweaty, processed meat, complete with inspection stamp and a translucent window that lets passerby peer into the meaty abyss.
Well, back in the days of living at home, many a morning I awoke to the smell of fried bologna coming from mom cooking in our kitchen. Thusly, I figured I’d recreate my most familiar arrangement with bologna in the past to welcome it in this newer, slightly more revolting form.
Wait, this can’t be right—no! It actually tastes like a reasonable facsimile of bologna! Never, even in my wildest dreams, did I anticipate anything more than simple, straightforward bubblegum. But, while not agonizingly strong, there is a subtle hint of meaty flavor here that’s disturbing in the least.
Overall, I give them kudos; this is an outrageous and completely uncouth concept, so bravo you confection monsters! As far as the rest of the gum, I’d considered tossing it, but think I’ll leave it around to play a couple pranks on unsuspecting guests in the days to come.
Overall Grade: C
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