Lone Star Steakhouse (Franklin, OH)

I need to say right off the bat this placed sucked.  I would have saved money dining at the local cemetery.  That outrageous bashing out of the way let me tell you exactly why this experience wasn’t that enjoyable.  We never intended on eating here; after getting lost the restaurant we were supposed to be eating dinner at had already closed so I figured… a steakhouse has got to be an easy B+, right?  Wrong!

Hands down this was the worst and most incompetent service I had eating all year.  After being seated, nobody helped us for almost one hour.  Once we ordered the staff again disappeared, and I noticed an odd trend of waiters apologizing to patrons at several nearby tables.  The bread was average, but the salad was real good… one of the better house salads I’ve had.  That about does it in the compliment department.  Our waiter screwed up both of our orders.  My girlfriend wanted a bowl of soup, they gave her a cup; and I wanted my steak well done, but it was pinker than the inside of a… well, I’ll stop there.  The place reeked, too… I don’t mind saying.

The bottom line… we waited almost two hours to eat crappy food.  Don’t make the same mistake!

Overall Grade: D- 

Robocop: The Series – Pudface

Pudface?  That name will forever be cemented in my skull… and somebody deserves thanks for that.  When I saw this lonely little guy sitting in a toy store that was going out of business, I decided I must bring him to a new home… my home.  Make yourself at home; Pudface… there’s sandwiches in the fridge and fresh towels in the restroom.

I guess Robocop: The Series aired on TV starting in 1994, not that I ever bothered watching it.  Don’t lie… you didn’t either.  No hard feelings though, even devout fans of the movies thought the show was lame.  Pudface, dubbed Robocop’s “arch nemesis” on his package, looks like a pretty tough guy. I mean, who’d want to mess with a guy with a pistol tucked in his pants, and a red tie with white polka dots adorned proudly?

This man’s face is… gross, and his yellow shirt doesn’t help matters much.  I’d like to talk about his weapons, too.  We’ve got a sniper rifle, which seems like general villain fare.  Next, his weapon of choice is a missile launcher… wait, a missile launcher?  Damn!  What does he need that for?  Is he fighting an entire army?  I mean, how can he even get in close proximity to an enemy to fire that monstrosity, and how does he move it around?  Pudface, dude… come on, don’t tell me you’ve got wheels attached to your missile launcher?

In closing, there’s something about this nasty little gangster that I find oddly charming.  Perhaps it’s the fedora, or fingerless gloves, but regardless he’s won my heart.  Pudface, you revoltingly disgusting public menace… next time I shoot a missile launcher I’ll be thinking of you.

Overall Grade: A 

TMNT: Battle Nexus – Ultimate Daimyo

First off, let me just state… Ultimate Daimyo rocks balls.  In the cartoon, Daimyo, close friend of Splinter, is a centuries old victor of ancient battles, and now oversees the famed Battle Nexus fighting tournaments.  His son, Ultimate Ninja, is a disgraceful little shit, and we’ll leave it at that.

This character and his subsequent action figure… where do I begin?  Let’s look at his accessories, shall we?  First off, let’s talk about his War Staff of Ultimate Power… not just any power, my friends; ultimate power bitch!  Any dude able to carry a staff of that magnitude is a hero in my book.  The back of the package points at other nice points; such as his ceremonial cape, setta (sandals), battle kimono, warrior’s waist belt, and my personal favorite… his mystical mane!  How cool is that?  Even his hair has power!  Lastly, you’ve got to mention the three Mempo Masks from the Ancient Gallery.  Kids, forget your papier-mâché Halloween masks… if you really want to scare someone, pop on one of those bad boys!  Booyah.

To sum all of this up… I love this figure.  He’s not very mobile; in fact, the toy is pretty stiff and basic.  The accessories really make it, though, especially the masks and the goofy hair.  This character, admittedly not the most popular or well known is actually an integral piece of the storyline on the cartoon, and I was glad to see a figure be produced.  I love you Ultimate Daimyo.

Do not make any Don King jokes… unless you want kicked in the throat.

Overall Grade: A+ 

The Review the World Opening Party!

(If my memory serves me correct, this article and these pictures are originally from October of 2003.  When Review the World 1.0 was released, my then partner and co-creator Nick and I baked a cake to celebrate the grand occasion.  I dusted off this piece, and thought you’d all enjoy it.)

Brian: So, whilst walking around a dilapidated dollar store Nick shot out the idea we bake a cake in true celebratory fashion of the website finally starting.  He bought the cake mix and I assured him I had icing at my house.  Well, I didn't.  So I went to my Grandmother's house and she gave me not one, not two, but three separate ridiculously expired and molded cans of sweet death.  So, we ended up being crafty and whipping up our own tasty blend of icing, which unlike popular rumor did not include any types of animal semen whatsoever, so you can call off the Internet poll.

Nick: In celebration of the start of the website, Brian and I decided to bake a cake. In true fashion to ourselves, we added our own touch to the cake. The icing was homemade, and more sweet than anything I've ever had in my life.

Nick: We couldn't help but add a couple of little figurines to mix things up a bit.

Brian: We sent out invites to several popular media outlets but absolutely nobody came to our little shindig.  So, instead we lined our cake with some toys for aesthetic purposes and to make us feel a little less lonely inside.

Nick: E.T. looks as if he just escaped from being held captive at a Justin Timberlake concert.

Brian: Either that, or Superman behind him was shooting him with a little of his patented “heat vision” on that alien ass.

Nick: Qui-Gon Jin was so scared of us, he pissed himself right on the cake. That's really uncool. Especially for a Jedi.

Brian: Hey, I made a funny.  “Qui-Gon Jinn’s got nut on his chin!  Qui-Gon Jinn’s got nut on his chin!”  Haha!

Nick: You don't get the greatest view of him, but Superman is on there over-seeing all the details. He was the easiest one to get to stay on the cake.

Brian: We all know Kal-El from the planet Krypton can get lonesome sometimes.  You would too if not only your family, but your entire planet exploded into dust particles floating through space.  We figured we’d cheer him up and serenade him with a couple impromptu Tina Turner songs and a big piece of cake.  Let’s just say it did the trick..

Brian: Here Nick exhibits his mastery with the knife while I search for a diaper for Qui-Gon.

Nick: You can't tell me that you wouldn't love to have a piece of this cake. It was quite delectable.

Nick: Here you can see me getting ready to have my first bite while wearing my newewst Halloween hat.

Brian: At this point I was hungry enough to eat your swank new hat.

Brian: And, here I am indulging myself in the sugary goodness that was our inaugural attempt at making a dessert.  On the second picture I got a little reckless, and started cramming the cake into my mouth Wedding cake style.  Maybe the reference would have gone off a little smoother if I were wearing a white dress.

Nick: What else can I say, welcome to Review the World!

Brian: Yes, I’m even going to review our party.  Although the attendance was low, the energy was up.  After a few drinks of vodka E.T. was telling us of some of his sexual exploits from yesteryear.  I hear bootleg copies of his drunken rant are now making their way across flea markets and Internet auctions.  The creation of the cake wasn’t necessarily easy, but the end product was solid and to our chagrin and pure surprise it actually tasted rather pleasant.  The party was thrown together at the absolute last minute, but with more time I know we’d have gone the extra mile and really took it over the top.  For what it was I can’t complain, and think maybe Nick should take a break from writing for this website to pursue a career in the culinary arts because his cooking was astonishing.

Overall Grade: A- 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Pizza Party by Eleanor Hudson

This book, apparently a “Step 1” book, meaning it’s got incredibly large type and simple vocabulary for the youngest of readers, is simply stated… amazing.  It’s an achievement of the highest order in the literature world.  Our four turtle pals are bored, there’s no crime to fight and it’s a beautiful day outside.  Thus, the game plan is a genuine pizza party.  The pies?  One ham, one jam, one cheese, and one… dare I say, peas?  That’s absolutely correct.  In their trademark disguise trench coats our heroes go to the surface, only, when they arrive at the local pizza parlor, it’s being robbed!  After they make quick work of the would-be robbers, they disappointingly find out that the restaurant is out of ham, jam, cheese, and would you believe it, peas!  They, understandably dejected, go back to the sewer where Splinter whips up some homemade slices, giving us our obligatory happy ending.  The moral of the story is muddled, at best; but the end result is a fun lighthearted book that I found relatively unscathed at a thrift store that was so trashed it resembled a buffet after Bebop and Rocksteady visited it.

  

Overall Grade: A 

Batman – Hush – Vol. #2

This graphic novel contains the second half of the Hush storyline, completing the series, and also includes a couple bonus extras like an introduction by acclaimed artist Jim Lee, and some bonus sketches at the end of the book.  When writer Jeph Loeb and artist Jim Lee were paired together, comic fans worldwide creamed their pants.  These two are respectively icons in their chosen field, and the anticipation of their dual work lead to record sales figures.  To the content itself, this is one hell of a Batman story… one of the best ever told.  Everyone is here; we’re talking Riddler, Joker, Clayface, Catwoman, Robin, Nightwing, Scarecrow, Harley Quinn, Superman (that’s right), and a half dozen others or more!  The story is intricate and will keep you constantly guessing, and even better, has you deeply involved and sublimely satisfied.  I don’t want to touch on any real plot points, suffice to say, it’s a wild ride.  Overall, this is one of the better comic series’ to be published this decade, and I’d highly recommend it.

Overall Grade: A 

Margaritas (Cincinnati Mills)

Margaritas is apparently pretty popular in the Cincinnati area, and when they opened a restaurant nearby I being a fan of Mexican food decided I must check it out.  Located inside the mall, but not at the food court, it has entrances both from the inside the mall and out.  The décor inside is nice, and I was once even serenaded by a man playing Spanish guitar.

Let’s take a look at the food.  Customarily at Mexican restaurants you receive complimentary chips and salsa.  The chips here are especially good, they are definitely prepared fresh and not just out of the bag… they’ve got a very clean and crisp taste.  My girlfriend got the shrimp quesadilla, which was massive and full of flavor.  I opted for my favorite Mexican dish… taquitos!  Taquitos contain either beef or chicken, and some vegetables (red pepper, onion, etc.) and are deep fried to a crispy brown and generally served with guacamole salad.  Margaritas’ taquitos are bigger than those served at any other restaurant I’ve been to, which is a plus.  Also of note, the Pepsi here is incredible.  Occasionally the quality of a fountain drink can make or break a meal, but the cola at Margaritas has been especially good every time I’ve been.

Although I’m no expert, whenever I’m at a new place I like to check out the bathroom facilities.  The bathroom itself wasn’t bad, and mostly clean.  However, while using a urinal I spotted an advertising poster that had been defaced with a marker.  I found this to be particularly amusing and ended up pissing on the floor momentarily.  All things considered, for just over $20 this was an exceptionally good dinner.  There’s a lot on the menu, and I’m sure they’re not all winners, but if there’s something you like elsewhere than surely Margaritas has it and perhaps it’s even better.  For fans of Mexican food, or just those looking for a lively new place for a weekend date, I’d highly recommend it.

Overall Grade: A-