Thursday, April 14, 2005

The Review the World Opening Party!

(If my memory serves me correct, this article and these pictures are originally from October of 2003.  When Review the World 1.0 was released, my then partner and co-creator Nick and I baked a cake to celebrate the grand occasion.  I dusted off this piece, and thought you’d all enjoy it.)

Brian: So, whilst walking around a dilapidated dollar store Nick shot out the idea we bake a cake in true celebratory fashion of the website finally starting.  He bought the cake mix and I assured him I had icing at my house.  Well, I didn't.  So I went to my Grandmother's house and she gave me not one, not two, but three separate ridiculously expired and molded cans of sweet death.  So, we ended up being crafty and whipping up our own tasty blend of icing, which unlike popular rumor did not include any types of animal semen whatsoever, so you can call off the Internet poll.

Nick: In celebration of the start of the website, Brian and I decided to bake a cake. In true fashion to ourselves, we added our own touch to the cake. The icing was homemade, and more sweet than anything I've ever had in my life.

Nick: We couldn't help but add a couple of little figurines to mix things up a bit.

Brian: We sent out invites to several popular media outlets but absolutely nobody came to our little shindig.  So, instead we lined our cake with some toys for aesthetic purposes and to make us feel a little less lonely inside.

Nick: E.T. looks as if he just escaped from being held captive at a Justin Timberlake concert.

Brian: Either that, or Superman behind him was shooting him with a little of his patented “heat vision” on that alien ass.

Nick: Qui-Gon Jin was so scared of us, he pissed himself right on the cake. That's really uncool. Especially for a Jedi.

Brian: Hey, I made a funny.  “Qui-Gon Jinn’s got nut on his chin!  Qui-Gon Jinn’s got nut on his chin!”  Haha!

Nick: You don't get the greatest view of him, but Superman is on there over-seeing all the details. He was the easiest one to get to stay on the cake.

Brian: We all know Kal-El from the planet Krypton can get lonesome sometimes.  You would too if not only your family, but your entire planet exploded into dust particles floating through space.  We figured we’d cheer him up and serenade him with a couple impromptu Tina Turner songs and a big piece of cake.  Let’s just say it did the trick..

Brian: Here Nick exhibits his mastery with the knife while I search for a diaper for Qui-Gon.

Nick: You can't tell me that you wouldn't love to have a piece of this cake. It was quite delectable.

Nick: Here you can see me getting ready to have my first bite while wearing my newewst Halloween hat.

Brian: At this point I was hungry enough to eat your swank new hat.

Brian: And, here I am indulging myself in the sugary goodness that was our inaugural attempt at making a dessert.  On the second picture I got a little reckless, and started cramming the cake into my mouth Wedding cake style.  Maybe the reference would have gone off a little smoother if I were wearing a white dress.

Nick: What else can I say, welcome to Review the World!

Brian: Yes, I’m even going to review our party.  Although the attendance was low, the energy was up.  After a few drinks of vodka E.T. was telling us of some of his sexual exploits from yesteryear.  I hear bootleg copies of his drunken rant are now making their way across flea markets and Internet auctions.  The creation of the cake wasn’t necessarily easy, but the end product was solid and to our chagrin and pure surprise it actually tasted rather pleasant.  The party was thrown together at the absolute last minute, but with more time I know we’d have gone the extra mile and really took it over the top.  For what it was I can’t complain, and think maybe Nick should take a break from writing for this website to pursue a career in the culinary arts because his cooking was astonishing.

Overall Grade: A- 

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