Fred Claus Cranberry Grape Icee

I don’t have the pleasure of having a 7-Eleven store anywhere within a realistic driving distance from my house, thus, I’ve had to miss out on all of the cool, exclusive Slurpee flavors birthed from multimillion dollar marketing campaigns, like Kryptonite Ice for Superman Returns and Blue Woo-Hoo! Vanilla for The Simpsons Movie.  But, the gastronomical gods were smiling on me, as the other night I stumbled upon an edible oddity was the biggest shock to my system since that Polaroid picture from my graduation night found its way onto the Internet.

The other night I was walking around my local Walgreens (pharmacy/convenience store), killing time waiting to pick up a pizza when I found this puzzling promotion that had me literally dancing in the aisles.  At the time I didn’t have a camera handy, so I anxiously bid my time to the following day, when I tried to slip in undetected to get my prize.

Right off the bat, a teenaged female employee asked me if I needed help finding anything.  I said, “no thanks, just getting some condoms” and kept walking nonchalantly to my delicious destination.  I didn’t want anybody to be around when I got out the camera and started taking pictures.  With a font so regal it begged me to kneel before it, I had to ignore that beckoning and focus.

After taking a moment to marvel at this momentous occasion I did the always short, yet undeniably fun task of filling up my Icee cup.  At this point, I wasn’t concerned with anything else, just amused that such a beverage existed and glad I had the opportunity of documenting it.  As I was checking out I was now feeling pretty good, I had my drink, took photos, etc. so toying with the Fred Claus theme I brashly said to the pimply-faced employee, “so, is Frank here?”  His response, “Frank will be in at 9PM.”  He thought I was talking about a real Frank!  I need to write that one down in my diary, right next to that unfinished poem about Beldorf the Wizard from Power Rangers: Dino Thunder.

Here’s where the real surprise came, as this stuff was actually quite incredible.  There are a hundred different variations on frozen drinks, but Icee is fairly consistent.  The texture and consistency of the drink was incredibly light and smooth, the taste mild and pleasant, and overall, the drink was a real treat.  Cranberry can be tart, but in this form, I couldn’t get enough, even though it did totally overshadow any remnants of grape flavor.  Still, in the flavor category, this is easily one of the better Icee drinks I’ve had in a really long time.

So, overall, combining the limited edition appeal of the Fred Claus tie-in, collectible cup, and being surprisingly tasty, I’d have to say I was really pleased with this, especially considering it only cost a dollar.  I have no clue how widespread this promotion is, although it’s temporarily getting some mileage on the official Icee website, but if you’ve got a Walgreens nearby, it’s certainly worth a look to see if they’re carrying it.  I urge you to drive around looking at Christmas lights and decorations, all the while contentedly sipping a Fred Claus Cranberry Grape Icee.

Overall Grade: A- 

Frankford Happy Holidays chocolates

My grandma once told me there are two things that are universally loved, and those things were chocolate and fellatio.  Now, while an argument can be made for either, it’s going to be hard to convince me that everyone’s not cuckoo for cocoa.  But, this isn’t just a passé look at just any ordinary chocolate; nope… we’re analyzing chocolate in the auspices of a holiday-themed form.

Frankford the company is probably more closely associated with their offerings for Easter sweets, but we’ll forgive them their trespasses, and allow them to work their magic on our mouths during scarf weather, too.  And while the mittens I’m wearing is making writing this entirely too difficult for my liking, I feel it’s in nature with the motif I’m trying to create, and will continue doing whatever’s necessary to conjure that joyous Christmas aura.

Unveiled, these little chocolate Santa Claus characters are too adorable for my limited prose to properly describe.  If the sheer visual of this little guy doesn’t warm your heart, then your likely a modern day Ebenezer Scrooge, and that’s a genuine shame.

As far as taste, I can’t lie, this isn’t the highest quality chocolate on the market, by far, but did we honestly expect it to be?  The answer is assuredly no, however, as pictured above, I think these candies strong suit is elsewhere.  They make excellent additions to any tableside candy dish.  So, fill a bowl up with these, and guaranteed, your next houseguests are going to be warmed by your gentile nature and humbled by your Christmas spirit.

Also, if you want to go crazy, I don’t recommend you stitch a phallus on Rudolph on your mother’s favorite Christmas sweater, but what I do suggest is you randomly hide these chocolate merrymakers throughout your abode to give little surprises and nuggets of perpetual joy to your housemates.  They’re a super swell addition to anyone’s holidays.

Overall Grade: B 

Licensed to Wed

Licensed to Wed very easily falls into that category of film that’s quickly forgotten prior to viewing and definitely one you could pass on.  It’s not without some merit, though; if you’re a fan of the American TV series The Office you’ll have fun noticing several of its cast members throughout the film, outside of course the movie’s male lead John Krasinski, and the film’s fast-paced enough that there isn’t much lull time where not a lot’s happening.  The film’s saving grace, perhaps, is Mandy Moore, while her character isn’t particularly multifaceted or deep, she’s absolutely gorgeous and brings a glow and energy that’s sorely lacking in most of the scenes without her.  DeRay Davis and Eric Christian Olsen both have relatively minor characters, both are super funny guys who’d I would have liked to seen get more screen time.  Robin Williams rounds out the cast, and while he’s usually dependable for the laughs, the material here is lacking, and there’s only so much even the most professional actor can do with a lousy script.

Romantic comedies’ success often depends on the chemistry between the leads, and while these two are fairly fun to watch together we don’t get much of a sense of their relationship, thus not really caring as much as the filmmaker’s would hope.  They met at a Starbucks, which while not wholly unbelievable seems a bit simplistic, and besides coaching a youth basketball team, we never do quite learn what Krasinski’s character does outside of date Moore’s and make dry, witty quips. Of course, all works out in the end, as the atypical Hollywood idyllic ending isn’t spared on this one.

If you’re looking for a better romantic comedy, or Robin Williams movie, there are many, many to choose from.  I’d only give this a serious recommendation to big fans of Moore and/or Krasinski.

Overall Grade: C+ 

Pomegranate 7 Up

Lately it seems that when I’ve been mustering up the energy and spare time to write an article, indelibly it’s about a beverage of some sort.  The only explanation for that phenomenon I can give is that, strangely, there’s not much that excites me more than walking into a convenience store or grocery and discovering a gem on a shelf I’ve yet to taste.  Once you have a passion for trying different drinks, it begins bordering on the obsessive, to the point where I’ve probably tried 15 different varieties of grape soda this year alone.

So, of course I’m stoked whenever a limited edition holiday drink is brought out.  This past summer’s Pepsi Summer Mix had me salsa dancing with glee, and to this day, I still have an unopened bottle of Pepsi Holiday Spice on my computer desk.  Last year, Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash came upon the scene with a bang and our taste buds are still recovering from the jubilation it brought.  Marketed as a holiday-inspired soda, this thing won over the public’s hearts, enough so that it’s back again this year and seems to be doing very well in stores.  That leads us to today’s drink, the brand new Pomegranate 7 Up!

It’s said the cocaine is a hell of a drug, and with that in mind, I can attest that 7 Up has always been a hell of a soda.  7 Up has been around since 1929, thus lending to its status as a legend in the field.  I’ve also always found Cherry 7 Up to be highly underrated.  Pomegranate as a fruit has seen a rise in popularity, which I can’t really attribute to anything particularly, although numbers don’t lie.

After re-tasting Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash, it definitely works on the mental level of associating with the holidays, but in terms of taste, it’s awfully acidic and tart.  Pomegranate 7 Up to my palate has a cleaner, crisper taste and was an excellent accompaniment while eating my family’s early-Thanksgiving Day dinner yesterday afternoon.  The drink’s hue is actually lighter than I expected, somewhat reminiscent of Cherry 7 Up’s color, but a brighter, richer red.

I’ve got to be honest, this drink is a winner, and has me desiring a romp in a Christmas tree lot, picking out the perfect one to bring home and adorn with ornaments.  I want to wrap a wreath around my head and hang jingling bells from my unmentionables in homage to this lovely carbonated concoction.  Each drink is like a little Christmas present for your mouth.

Overall Grade: A- 

RtW 2007 Halloween Special

It's the one that started it all, the 2007 Review the World Halloween Special! Not only is this the first Halloween Special, it's the first time that Brian and Tim host together! Many good things are reviewed and covered including decorations, candy, a Creepy Crawlers machine, and one of the last appearances of RAP SNACKS~!

Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel

Put down the video game controller and grab a bib because the purveyors of sugary soda Mountain Dew are bringing our nation’s largest sector of virgins and vagrants their very own drink.  Titled “Game Fuel”, it’s supposedly a mixture of cherry and citrus flavors, although neither is particularly discernable.

The can features the visage of Master Chief from Halo, and if they wanted to sell more of this, they could have likely marketed it as the beloved character’s piss, and surely diehard fans would have clamored to pour it down their throats.

If you’re serious about the drink itself, and not the hoopla surrounding it, I’d suggest drinking it in a chilled glass with ice.  You could attack it straight from the can, but I found it more refreshing, and a much better accompaniment to food when done the aforementioned way.

My own family members worship at the altar of Master Chief.

In closing, do your best to help the masses of Halo fanatics out there.  My brother (and cousin, both pictured) is amongst the group who logs countless hours of his life away nightly.  We can make a difference.  It’s with that very hope in mind I declare today “Take A Halo Addict On A Trip Day!”  I don’t care if you take them to the park, a long drive, a bakery, or Bed, Bath, and Beyond… just do whatever it takes.

Overall Grade: C+ 

Freek – Evil Energy – Psycho drink

I gave this a C+ because if nothing else, it deserved some credit for being bizarre.  The concept of cashing in on the energy drink phenomenon is one we’ve all likely seen firsthand.  But this, wow, it really takes the cake for one of the more creative imitators.  The brand is Freek, their slogan apparently, “Evil Energy,” and their mascot, a gray deformed face belonging to some ungodly creature.  The flavor I purchased was Psycho, their orange-flavored energy drink, and there’s also Skitzo, Rage, Maniac, Screem, and dare I forget Thrill Her.

 The reason for the lower grade is mostly due to taste.  This, to me, tastes like an energy drink that’s been siphoned through a sweaty gym teacher’s sock, which happened to be filled with Warheads candy.  The orange wasn’t an afterthought, which I dug, as a lot of generic energy drinks claim a particular flavor, only to ultimately disappoint.  But, as my unusual metaphor above suggests, this thing was sour and way too tart.  Trying to eat this with food would definitely not be recommended.

Well, I thought my job here was done, until I stumbled upon the official Freek website.  Take a look at this shit:

I don’t even have to tell you how utterly ridiculous this is!  I’m serious, this is actually from their corporate website.  I had to superimpose two images together, but this is all right from Freek headquarters.  Each flavor has their own bio describing their distinctive individual personality.  Psycho is “your Mother’s worst Nightmare and your sister’s bad boy crush”?  Wait, so, you’re saying he’s a date rapist with tattoos?  But, lest we forget his softer side, Psycho “enjoys breeding guinea pigs in his down time.”

This is too surreal to comprehend right now.  As outrageous as this is, these guys are doing something right.  Any company who takes time to Photoshop kneepads on a soft drink can is one that I’m totally down with.

Overall Grade: C+