Saturday, May 28, 2005

I Never Meant To Hurt You

RTW Short Stories presents
I Never Meant To Hurt You


PART 1

“Rachel!” was all she heard as she gathered up some dirty clothes from her bedroom floor.  Her father was yelling at her from downstairs, and all she could think of if how lovely it’d be to live as a bird.  Her room appeared as disjointed as a psychiatric ward during the height of Vietnam; stacks of old notes passed in class were cannons, her lipstick was a live grenade, and her bed a bomb shelter.

Rachel wasn’t sure about a lot of things, although it was becoming painfully aware to her that she was both strong and fragile.  Her independent nature and visceral perception were struggling with her fear of being hurt.  She curled up on her floor, like a ship sinking she studied the rug like it was a matter of life or death.  She felt her father was incapable of understanding her, not that she was particularly interested in hearing what he had to say regardless.  She felt like the rug would swallow her whole, a sandpit serenely disguised and devastatingly effective.

As she looked up for the first time in several minutes, she saw the red glow from her alarm clock staring back at her.  5:03PM.  She was late, and in her mind; a jigsaw puzzle of heartache and desperation, she realized she was only prolonging the inevitable.

PART 2

She met Kevin at a vomit-covered party on the wrong side of town.  She was dragged there unwillingly by her friend Melissa, and spent the majority of her time watching passersby like dancing corpses in a disco of death.  The conversation discarded as easily as the plastic cups, their humdrum rehashing of old stories and bravado heavy rhetoric played like music to their disjointed steps in a dance of delusional teenage treachery.

Kevin sat next to her on a couch; it smelt of stale cigarette smoke and sweat.  She had unfairly dismissed him before he had opened his mouth.  But, once he spoke, so softly and sure, he won her over.  They went outside where it was quieter on the back porch, and listened to the insects sing their sweet songs.  The sound reminded her of family bonfires as a little girl, where the warmth of the fire would illuminate her face like the sun’s rays dancing on canyons.

They started dating the following week, like two cars colliding on the freeway they recklessly went forward without fail.  Like a scientist Kevin would examine her, studying every hair and pore.  His favorite moments were the awkward ones, when they’d both try to steal a glance and catch each other in the act, only to then quickly turn away.  She felt so vulnerable, yet strangely safe.  For their one-month anniversary Kevin drew her a picture of a pterodactyl flying through a valley dotted with the skeletal remains of dinosaurs, streams and rivers, and a lone cactus caustically holding a handgun with tears falling from it’s rough green surface.

PART 3

Rachel slid silently out of her house at 5:10PM.  She was supposed to meet Kevin at the park at 5:00, but was caught selfishly lost in her own mind like a deserted dog searching for scraps of food.  She tried to gain a certain amount of composure, but walked like she was a leaf blowing aimlessly in the wind.   Her palms felt moist as she rounded the corner towards the park.  She saw Kevin from afar, swinging slowly at the playground where they’d sometimes talk till dark, sharing memories from youth and discovering each other like explorers on an expedition of monumental magnitude.

When she sat next to him he looked up without speaking a word, and tried to put his hand on top of hers.  Rachel moved back slightly, and instantly Kevin’s eyes appeared like those of a deer in headlights.  Instantaneously transformed to being on the defensive, Kevin felt lost like a young child separated from their parents in a grocery store.  She didn’t want her words to have a bite like that of a snake, and tried to focus on altogether random things to occupy herself, like frozen ponds and bloody knees.

“Kevin, I don’t want to see you anymore” Rachel said, softly yet direct, casting the first stone.  Kevin immediately started crying, tears falling from his eyes like crumbling buildings, leaving streaks behind on his soft cheeks.  “I love you, Rachel.  I… I know that you have a lot on your mind, and I… I…” he tried to catch himself from sobbing openly, “I want to be there for you” he finished.  “I know you think that’s what I need to hear, but Kevin, I want to face things on my own” she said, composing her words like Mozart orchestrating, “I’ve never been dependable on anyone before… not my family, or friends… and I feel so naïve and exposed sometimes” she looked at the grass beneath her feet then back up into his eyes.  Kevin looked a mess at this point, his face wet and red he slowly lowered himself from his swing onto the cool earth.  On his knees now, Kevin bowed his head, his hands clinched into fists digging into the soft mud.  When he looked back up specks of dirt highlighted his gentle hands like a graffiti covered church, or so the disturbing symbolism struck Rachel in her mind.

 “Kevin, you’re such a wonderful person… but I’m not in love” she said, “and it’s unfair to both of us to pretend otherwise.”  He looked up into her eyes as if he had never seen her before, as though he thought this teenage girl incapable of being so powerful.  She tried not to focus on his face, yet let distant thoughts spiral into her coconscious like nature films of fish leaving eggs and shooting stars.  She heard a train passing by in the background and it peculiarly reminded her of the first time she made love to Kevin in the basement of his parent’s house.  After they finished he laid quietly on her chest, staring at her for what seemed like innumerable hours.  “This hurts so… bad,” Kevin said, weakly grabbing at the legs of her jeans.  Rachel thought about sitting on her father’s lap watching their fireplace flickering during cold winter nights when she was a little girl, and said with finality “I never meant to hurt you”.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Panera Bread (Forest Park, OH)


It took me a couple of years to finally visit Panera Bread.  I didn’t really have any reservations about it, so it wasn’t that I was avoiding the place.  For the uninitiated, I’d say it’s a quality place, which bridges the gap between fast food and quality dining.  The clientele tends to be more upscale, but the atmosphere is generally casual inside.  I think the interior design is structured to accommodate comfortable conversation.


In terms of food, they’re most well known for sandwiches, soups, and salads.  They have a combo where you can choose any two of the aforementioned items, which is very popular, especially during lunch for people on the move.  They’ve also got a bakery, too.  Filled with dozens of delectable desserts, ranging from scones to cookies and beyond, there’s sure to be something for anyone with a sweet tooth.  Lastly, besides the regular soda fountain, you can purchase bottled beverages, including drinks from Jones Soda Co., and Panera Bread also offers a variety of fresh coffees daily.


Here we are enjoying our lunch together.  As far as salads go, they have a number of different choices, but by far my personal favorite is what Molly ordered here, the Asian salad with chicken, sesame seeds, almonds, and a delicious ginger based dressing.  As far as soups go, each and every day they serve at least six or seven varieties, and you can pick up a schedule if you’re so inclined.  I prefer the French onion, myself, although this day I had creamy potato soup.  They have dozens of different sandwiches, so surely you’ll find something that fits your personal tastes.  I’d recommend chicken or tuna salad, or roast beef as ideal picks.  This day I had a vegetarian sandwich that was kind of blasé.  Plus, you receive a piece of bread with each order!


In closing, I’d like to say I’m glad Molly introduced me to this place, and would recommend it wholeheartedly.  The prices aren’t bad, if you order wisely, and the food is almost always above average in terms of quantity and quality.  I’ve ate at least 5 different Panera Bread locations, and been satisfied with all of them.  Panera Bread offers a comfortable environment and a healthy alternative.  They provide free Wi-Fi Internet access inside, as well as local and national newspapers to customers.  If you visit one and would like to put a touch of RTW on your meal, throw some fresh lemons in your Pepsi!  Enjoy.

Overall Grade: B+ 

Friday, May 20, 2005

Nintendo Bean Bag Keychain Giveaway


A while ago I was working at this video game store called GameCrazy.  As an incentive to get people to preorder games we’d give away little gifts with each preorder.  They ranged from the incredibly lame (old issues of game magazines which had out of date news and articles, although any EGM featuring Seanbaby’s work is worth having) to the really cool like t-shirts, hats, and DVD discs.


Today we’re going to look at one of the better giveaways.  If you pre-ordered Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros. 3 for the Game Boy Advance you got two exclusive bean bag character keychains.  In a nifty little bag featuring some enthusiastic text and decent artwork you received two little pals from everyone’s favorite video game series.


First off, you’ve got Mario Mario.  No, that wasn’t a mistake.  For the unaware, that is infact Mario’s real full name!  This thing is great.  Yes, it’s a tad too big to actually accompany your car keys, but it’s still pretty damn cool.  The only noticeable flaw from the start is Mario’s ears seem proportionally large. But, everything else is there.  From the blue suspenders, to the white gloves, to that infamous mustache… it’s all here in adorable three-inch splendor!


Next up, the always-loveable Yoshi.  How could you not ogle at this thing?  After much scrutiny and close examination my stance is that it’s about perfect.  The huge eyes, his scales, and even the saddle Mario sits upon are included in this miniature marvel.


In the end, this was a hell of a giveaway.  Not only did you reserve yourself a copy of one of the coolest handheld games on the market, but also you got these for free!  Who wouldn’t want a little Yoshi clipped on their jeans, bouncing carelessly against their waist during a long day at the office?  For those if you who got these, feel glad and relish in the fact that you scored a coup.  For those if you who missed out, maybe you could make yourselves a papier-mâché Samus Aran, Link, Donkey Kong, or that little guy from Excitebike?

Overall Grade: B+ 

Monday, May 16, 2005

Kool-Aid Jammers - Grape


In a world as jaded and tough as our own, it’s nice to know that there’s still something out there like this.  Anyone who was ever a child undoubtedly spent some time having his or her mom whip up a nice cold batch of Kool-Aid some sunny summer afternoon.  These days the kids can skip that step entirely, moving right on to the good part… drinking the crap!  Kool-Aid Jammers makes theories of relativity look asinine and novel; I mean who cares about all of the grappling issues with society and our existence when the liquid equivalent of gold lays one squeeze away?

First off and foremost, let’s talk about the amazing packaging.  Iconoclastic spokesperson for the sugary substance has always and will forever be the colossal known as Kool-Aid Man.  Isn’t he just the coolest?  Here’s a classic example of how this character can pull just about anything off.  Wearing a hideous green windbreaker Kool-Aid Man snowboards across lavender drifts of snow emphatically driving us wild.  I have no idea who in the hell his travel agent is, but I want to know where these mountains of purple snow exist, and how much a roundtrip ticket is to get there?  Wow!  In the background we get a glimpse of luscious grapes right from grandma’s backyard orchid, each with their individual drops of water that somehow subliminally mean something to the common consumer.

100% of your daily value of vitamin C is included in each and every pouch, which is saying quite a lot considering the youth of today’s eating habits and consequently what type of things are geared at them.  Now, let’s briefly touch on the taste itself.  When it comes to the original Kool-Aid concocting process, people universally use varying degrees of sugar to their individual liking.  Here, Kool-Aid gives us the perfect blend the definitive version of their “Grape” flavor, as made by the company itself and proudly wearing the official logo.  The first drink is worth the price of admission alone.  I don’t know if grapes as a fruit have ever been more faithfully represented as a pouch of concentrated liquid, and that’s really saying something, I think.  Although Kool-Aid will always be best when created in the kitchen the old fashioned way, complete with mock mad scientist evil laugh, this is certainly not a bad substitute for those on the go or just lacking ambition.  There’s a lot of different brands of artificially flavored juice drinks out there, but if you’re only going to pick one, pick Kool-Aid if for nothing else sentimentality.

Overall Grade: B 

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Hong Kong Phooey doll


I think I got this at a thrift store or something a while ago.  I’ve got so much junk sitting around my room for reviewing purposes I often lose track.  Anyway, as the story would have it, several years ago my brother and I got this collection of stuffed Hanna Barbara characters, and while I was lumped with the ranger guy from Yogi Bear, my brother got an ass-kicking karate dog.  Sucked.  Now, years later, I get my own, and it’s about five times the size of the aforementioned piece.  Now who’s laughing?  This thing is huge, and even if it appears he’s putting on a striptease in that picture, it’s actually in pretty good shape.  The tag says it’s from 2001, so I’m guessing that sounds about accurate.


Brian: So, basically you’re not only a talking dog, but you’re a janitor as well?  And, let me see if I’ve got this right, when you go into the broom closet, you magically return as a kung-fu canine?

Hong Kong Phooey: No comment.

Overall Grade: B- 

Friday, May 6, 2005

Techno Tacos

Magnificent Toy Theatre presents: 
Techno Tacos
I wrote this a year or two ago and it’s embarrassingly bad.  I thought I’d share.


PLUMBER
There isn’t really a lot you can do about it, man.  You know?

TURTLE BOT
There must be something.

PLUMBER
She’s got a new man now.  Let him deal with her.

TURTLE BOT
Yeah.

PLUMBER
That’s what we call some of that old bullshit.  But, you see, there are other robots in the technological sea, my friend.

TURTLE BOT: 
But not with microchips like that…


TERRY KENYON
Hey, fuckfaces.  What’s new?

PLUMBER
Hey, be cool, our buddy here just lost his lady and is feeling low.  Show some compassion you Texas prick.

TERRY KENYON
Yeah, sure...  The only thing I’m passionate about is fucking.


TURTLE BOT
What in the hell are you?


TERRY KENYON
I’m one of those old-fashioned types.  I like to get in the dirt and sweat all day.  Come home to a fine beer and a finer piece of ass.

PLUMBER
There’s nothing wrong with putting in a hard day’s work, but your vision of females is disgusting.

TERRY KENYON
Don’t tell me you’ve never put a wrench in a girl after you finished fixing her sink.  I know you like to clean those pipes.

TURTLE BOT
Why are friends with this guy again?


TERRY KENYON: 
My natural good looks?


PLUMBER
You’re an idiot, Terry.  Turtle Bot, don’t worry, you’ll find true love soon enough.

TERRY KENYON
Right, and I’ve got four green testicles.

TURTLE BOT
You’ve got four green testicles?

TERRY KENYON
No.  I was trying to be ironic.

PLUMBER
Well, I think I’m going to call it a night guys.  I’ve got some janitorial duties tomorrow morning I have to attend to.

TURTLE BOT
Later Plumber.

TERRY KENYON
Adios ass.



TURTLE BOT
You’re really something else you know that?

TERRY KENYON
Man, that’s what I’ve wanted to talk to somebody about.  See, I’m not really this macho dude I brag about to everyone.

TURTLE BOT
What are you saying?

TERRY KENYON
I’m soft.  I use this tasty exterior and my behavior as a means, a shell if you will, to protect my delicate insides.  I was hurt a lot by girls and bullies as a young lad, and frankly I figured if I couldn’t beat them than I would just join them.  You understand, right?  You old rusty dog you.

TURTLE BOT
I guess I can sympathize with your position.

TERRY KENYON
Speaking of positions…


TERRY KENYON
Hey there asshole!  Nice mask.  You see Cindy’s boobies yet?

TURTLE BOT
I can’t believe this guy.


TURTLE BOT: 
True love exists.  I just need to stop thinking with my circuit board and use my heart instead.  I’ve got to cancel my subscription to Techno Tacos…

Thursday, May 5, 2005

All the Real Girls


Amazing.  I really liked this film.  First off, the director, David Gordon Green is remarkable.  He has his own unique style, and his thoughts on moviemaking coincide with my own.  He doesn’t try to do the traditional Hollywood thing of having a smooth beginning, middle, and ending wrapped up neatly in a nice bow.  He presents real emotions and shows beautiful imagery and leaves his audience with something to think about.  A challenging director, perhaps, to some circles, but I think he accomplishes something special.  His first film George Washington blew me away.  It’s simple, yet so different.  There really isn’t a strong narrative, but more so montages of the lives of a group of rural kids.  Green doesn’t use all trained actors and actresses in his cast, either.  He likes to use real people because their conversation is more realistic in that there are pauses, mistakes, and moments of awkward silence.  He utilizes this technique again in All the Real Girls.

The movie itself deals with a young man named Paul (played by Paul Schneider) who falls for his best friend’s younger sister Noel (played exceptionally well by Zooey Deschanel).  Paul and Noel begin spending more time together, but Noel’s brother Tip is worried that she’ll get hurt creating a bit of a volatile situation between the three parties involved.  Much like his first film, Green uses his scenes like montages.  We’ll go from Paul and his buddies sitting around a diner ordering food, to an intimate scene in bed between Paul and Noel, to Paul’s mom dressed as a clown dancing for hospitalized children.  We’re even occasionally shown random shots of scenic beauty, like the sky above or water flowing in creaks, and an especially memorable shot of a two-legged dog walking under the hot sun.

When the relationship takes a turn for the worst, the movie picks up.  Things get ugly quickly, and the actors did a fine job of showing the emotions involved when someone gets hurt.  On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are a few scenes of love (including a personal favorite involving a hot tub) between the two that are played with a youthful enthusiasm that is infectious.  The chemistry between the two characters is engaging.  One particular supporting character named Bust-Ass (played comically by Danny McBride) is a lot of fun.  Overall, the movie itself is really solid.  The central love story is involving, and the background characters are absorbing as well.  Green’s style of filmmaking isn’t for everyone, his love for real people and rural landscapes isn’t exactly commercial, but he has a genuine talent at his craft.  I strongly recommend giving this film a try, especially for anyone who’s ever been involved in young love, which is most of us.  I think it accurately depicts some of the sacrifices, confusion, anguish, and exultant joy of being young and finding yourself amidst finding love.


There’s real warmth in the way Green does his films.  It seems like he has a lot of heart, and he seems intent on sharing these rural stories not typically given airtime.  There are some running themes in his work, a lot dealing with the inherent good inside people.  He likes showing working class people and rural environments, and celebrates them.  Coming from a small town myself, I can sympathize and relate to a lot of the characters and scenarios in this film.  I think it’s about time a fresh new voice in cinema ushers in a different and bold type of film, and I believe David Gordon Green is capable of just that.

The DVD itself is a pretty good package.  There’s a short documentary called “Improv and Ensemble: The Evolution of a Film” that features some interview clips and scenes.  I found it informative, learning a bit about how the story got started by two college seniors discussing heartache and pouring it into a script.  David Gordon Green also speaks a lot, and gives some of his views on the movie and filmmaking, which are insightful into his perspective.  There are some deleted scenes, too.  My favorite is when Bust-Ass tries to get his cousin to marry him, and then he propositions her for sex after bringing her a drink at a bar.  There’s a trailer for the film, as well as a trailer for Love Liza.  Ending out the special features is a commentary track featuring some entertaining antic dotes.  In closing, I think it’s a pretty deep film with some human qualities, and is a lot more realistic in comparison with most Hollywood romances.  Bravo to David Gordon Green on another well-done film.  I look forward to his future works.

Overall Grade: A+ 

Sunday, May 1, 2005

Max Orient (Kenwood Mall)


I decided to try Max Orient at Kenwood Mall’s food court, because, why the hell not?  I had never eaten at a Max Orient before, but all of the usual suspects where there.  I went through the line rather quickly, the service wasn’t bad or a hassle.  The food?  I enjoyed.  First off, I ate my chicken and mushrooms entrée; popular at most Asian mall eateries.  Not bad… not good.  Next, I tackled their specialty, barbeque chicken.  It was rather tasty, similar to famed bourbon chicken, yet unique.  It was very good entrée choice.  I opted for the noodles over the rice; which in retrospect was a poor decision, the noodles themselves were lukewarm and packed with too many vegetables.  I ordered two crab wontons for $.99, which was a fabulous move on my behalf.  They were delicious.  Lastly, I had a Cherry Coke that was borderline standard.  Overall, for just a lunch, this was a good meal.  I was satisfied with the quality of the food, and enjoyed eating.


Overall Grade: B