Rap Snacks: The Return

Back when Review the World launched in the cold days of January 2005 we landed what we undoubtedly knew was a goldmine for our initial article. Many pre-RtW all-night sessions were underway including late night drives and countless cups of coffee at diners. We tossed around ideas for a name for the project. “Dead Leaves” and “Misumasu” (“to observe carefully” in Japanese) were some of the aborted titles. One afternoon while in the inner-city of Cincinnati we stopped at an unusual corner store. It appeared to have a second-level beneath our feet, a basement or bunker, with its own separate side gravel and broken fence dotted entrance. We could hear wild dogs barking from below. Was it an underground dog fighting arena? Or perhaps something even more sinister? It was in this dimly-lit market we found three bags of Rap Snacks. I immediately plunked down my two bits and bought them, then ran out to the fresh air and moderate safety of a garbage strewn sidewalk. That night at Steak ’n Shake my pals and early-RtW braintrust Nick & Danny sampled the snacks with me which birthed the first-ever published RtW article.

Over the years Rap Snacks became synonymous with RtW. Almost like our mascot or spiritual totem. They’ve always been difficult to procure so only briefly appeared in a few tiny cameos in videos we produced but they’ve never been given a proper reappraisal … until now. These erstwhile urban edibles are as big a part of RtW lore as any item. If there were an RtW Brian piñata and you bludgeoned my papier-mâché body not candy but stale Honeydew Cheese Curls would fall out. A big thanks goes to my friend and RtW super fan Toby for helping bring this reunion together.

Fetty Wap presents "Honey Jalapeno"

So here’s Fetty Wap resembling something between a swamp zombie and a cadaver. A very quick search leads to some fun finds like he refers to his music as “ignorant R&B” and salacious stats like he’s fathered 7 children including kids with “video vixens” and exotic dancers. His diaper tab not withstanding Fetty, which sounds like a fun salad topping, rose to prominence with his hit “Trap Queen”, with poignant lyrics like “I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby”. Make mine pecan or rhubarb, please.

Here you can see Wap’s Honey Jalapeño chip in detail. Picturing a honey-drizzled fresh jalapeño pepper is a little disconcerting but if you don’t mind a singed asshole then you’ll be alright.

On the back of Rap Snacks bags are quotes from the presenting performer(s). Fetty’s sounds less like motivational message than alarming paranoia that someone’s out to take what he has. I think he should worry more about seeing an optician. Fetty’s chips never satisfy my barbecue or spicy hankerings making for a relatively unpleasant eating experience. The sweet and spice here don’t work complimentary and the end result is as appetizing as chewing on one of Fetty’s fetid braids.

Fabolous presents "New York Deli Cheddar"

Next up is Fabolous spelled ludicrously wrong but with style. Who is this man rocking the gold wristwatch and Family Dollar white t-shirt 3-pack special? Known for more than being shot outside a restaurant in Oct. of 2006 and carrying unlicensed firearms he’s quite prolific having released 7 full-length albums in a career spanning 16 years as well as playing shockingly against type in the role of “Gunman” in Scary Movie 4.

I’ve got to say I genuinely dig the New York Deli Cheddar concept. It’s got specificity and “cheddar” is a slang term for money so it also has some panache. I brought in my daughter to pass the Rap Snacks love down to the next generation. The verdict is we loved these. They're crunchy and cheesy and right away you detect there’s more going on in their flavor profile. I don’t recall all the seasonings from memory but there’s stuff like onion and garlic powder and other flavors to make these more than a simple cheddar-flavored chip.

Fabolous was apparently not a fan of Warp Zones in Super Mario Bros. 3 as he speaks out against skipping the struggle and urges snackers far and wide to embrace and learn from life’s trials.

Romeo Miller presents "Bar-B-Quin' with my Honey"

Wow. The only returning flavor from the original review 13 years ago. No longer Lil’ Romeo but now the decidedly less marketable Romeo Miller the name’s changed but the flavor remains the same. Miller has went on to perform on facile Dancing with the Stars but we’ll insist on remembering him best for his ditties like “Little Souljas Need Love Too”, where he penned the heartfelt lyrics “Little souljas need love / Little kisses and hugs / Come get wit these thugs”.

Gone is the derivative cityscape background from the older packaging as now Rap Snacks presents a more unified, streamlined, dare I say safer and boring aesthetic. These chips aren’t bad, almost too heavily coated in seasoning, it makes for a flavorful and not subtle sweet BBQ snack attack. Romeo references his father Master P in his quote cribed from the sappy side of a 1950’s milk carton. I know I always hate when I don’t keep my head on straight and it gets slightly askew.

Migos presents "Sour Cream With A Dab of Ranch"

Migos is a Georgia hip hop trio comprised of Quavo, Takeoff, and Offset. Their bag is probably both the busiest and best of the bunch. Your qualms on their apparel and proclivities may vary, but with stirring Shakespearean lines like “Eat up the dab like linguini and crab” from their underrated cut “Look at My Dab” we have to defer that they are, in fact, street poets.

The chips don’t look dissimilar from Lay’s Sour Cream & Onion chips, a flavor nobody’s ever picked first off a store shelf, but the taste is appallingly worse. A lot of people have an aversion to white condiments, be it ranch or mayo or tartar sauce or sour cream, but I’ve never been one of them. But the flavor of these chips is what I somehow imagine those white condiment-averse folk have feared. It’s way upfront and in your face with what I can only describe as a cloying parmesan-like flavor that’s not going to work on its own or as a side dish alongside a nice lunchmeat or cucumber sandwich. These are bad and borderline insulting, like one of Migos’ lyrics that states, “They sayin’ Migos better than the Beatles”.

Photo presented without comment.

Lil Boosie presents "Louisiana Heat"

No longer Lil Boosie, but now preferring to be referred to as Boosie Badazz, this Southside Baton Rouge raised rapper spent five years behind bars in the Louisiana State Penitentiary, but that didn’t dampen his dreams and desires to have his very own potato chip flavor. In a sun-kissed bag that calls to mind the torching rays of late summers in the South, Boosie bellows in tribute to his state by concocting a chip in its name. Louisiana Heat promises to bring the fire and brimstone not unlike Kane.

While a strange venue to pimp personal philosophy, being the back of a bag of junk food, I’ve got no qualms with the message itself as Boosie shows his zen side.

I tried to feed one of these to RtW’s on-staff stylist Princess Pussy Kat but she said it didn’t fit into her macros. It’s with a tear, no not a tattooed teardrop on my face, but an actual tear, that I regrettably inform you these are straight trash. Unlike the best of spicy foods, there’s no nuance to the heat here, it’s just baseline heat but coating a grainy chip with the flavor profile of running one’s tongue under a gym bleacher. Boosie, your intentions were well, but the results are as unwanted as another prison stint.

Rap Snacks, your Wikipedia entry has mysteriously disappeared, but you’ll always have a special place in the heart of Review the World. As we celebrate the site's birthday to my friends and fans, anyone who’s ever had fun reading an article or watching a video, thank you so much. So much has happened in my life in the 13 years of the site’s existence, but it’s always nice to know that I can hop on here and RtW’s various social media accounts and interact with such wonderful people and share a laugh or remembrance of weird sodas, dollar store bric-a-brac, and the Koopalings.

Meeting Chuck D!

Last week my day started off good. Took a positively transformative, meditative outdoor walk and had an awesome encounter with a fuzzy, white caterpillar. Later as I was waiting at my son's pre-school to pick him up I caught wind that literally hours later famed hip hop performer and rap living legend Chuck D from Public Enemy would be speaking at my old stomping grounds Miami University!

I got there an hour early and was the first inside the auditorium. I sat front and center and played a little WWE SuperCard on my phone to kill time. When the moment arrived Chuck D lit up the place just as capably as a public speaker as he does an onstage musical performer (and I should know I saw Public Enemy live before and they tore the roof off the joint!). I enjoyed every second of it and Chuck's oratory and I think my favorite portion was on our cell phone culture, or as Chuck calls them, "Weapons of Mass Distraction".

After the free show there was an even freer reception in another hall. I walked in and as I'm known to do started filling up my plate with large helpings of free food (vegetable spring rolls, meatballs, cinnamon pita chips, etc.). When Chuck D arrived at first I wasn't going to bother him and had no intention on doing so (I don't get star-struck too easily, growing up I had my neck wrangled by Mick Foley so it doesn't get much better than that!). But then when I saw a small line forming I figured "Why not?". I may never get another opportunity to shake the man's hand who delivered some of the tastiest rap (or any genre of music) records my ears had ever heard. I got an "usie" (a term Chuck used earlier) and a standard photo. Chuck was more interested in my t-shirt which he photographed himself on his phone. So somewhere as Chuck D tours the world a picture of my chest is secure on his phone.

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Battle Rap House Party

Here's some highlights from the NC-17 vs. Nocturnal the Night Boy one-on-one battle rap. Also performing The Altered Beast (featuring me!) and Distorted Boy and more.

Top 5 Cheap Rap Tapes from My Youth

Back in the early 1990’s I listened to nothing but rap music.  I didn’t have much money, though, but occasionally I’d save up a couple dollars and make my way to purchase another cassette for my collection.  Over the years I amassed a rather extensive repertoire of tapes.  Below are five of my personal favorites, they have a lot of nostalgic value, and I thought it’d be nice to reminisce:

Tape #5: "Rap Wit' Cha" - Various Artists

This tape’s artwork is classic… the rapper donning gaudy jewelry, a nice wristwatch, and a scandalous mustache.  The tape’s title was always questionable, as I could never particularly discern what it was implying.  Perhaps, it was offering the idea that upon purchasing and listening to this stunning new record I’d always have rap with me; in some way, perhaps in my heart, or soul, or more accurately in this case, in my bowels.

The second picture, taken from the insert, shows some of the usual suspects: Nice & Smooth, Chill Rob G, Young MC, etc.  This collection contains a rather stellar line-up of talent, has the brilliant track “Me Myself and I” by De La Soul, and a song titled “Funky Dividends” by Three Times Dope that surely has to not only rule, but have a deep message about the plight of human existence somewhere in it.

Tape #4: "East VS. West" - Various Artists

Anyone even slightly in the know of rap music is familiar with the ever-controversial east coast versus west coast war that’s raged for some twenty years.  And, although that’d make a good concept for an album, book, or film… this tape took the title and left it at that.  The front artwork has text stating “Rap Battle Royale” (spelled incorrectly) and “You Decide Who Wins”.

Representing the east coast are such rap luminaries as Heavy D & The Boyz, Public Enemy (who put on an amazing live show in Cincinnati a couple years back), and L.L. Cool J to name a few.  On the wild west coast, such hip-hop heavy hitters as Too Short, Kid Frost, and Mellow Man Ace make the cut.  Overall, this cassette always disappointed me, but it deserves its recognition.  I didn’t have any thing else to add, so I substituted a picture of Chinese takeout mustard from Amanda and my fridge, because it’s about the only thing in there…

Tape #3: "Brother Arab" - Arabian Prince

I remember getting this cassette from a dollar store on Route 4 in Hamilton, Ohio in the early to mid 90’s.  Nowadays, with an album title like “Brother Arab”, this guy would probably be getting his ass kicked in airports nationwide.  But, Arabian Prince was fearless, in his shades and Raiders hat.  Even as a relatively young kid, I still found this tape a bit puzzling.

Let’s take a look at some of the track titles from this powerhouse of a recording: “She’s Got A Big Posse” which I have no idea what that means, “It’s A Dope Thang” which I suppose is pretty self-explanatory, “Let the Good Times Roll (Nickel Bag)” which says that he was selling his socks at the swap shop to get illegal drugs, and “It’s Time To Bone” which could arguably be the most offense track title in the history of cheaply produced rap music.

Tape #2: "Rap Rap Rap" - Various Artists

Now we’re talking!  One of my first ever music purchases, I listened to this album on repeat for at least four months solid.  I can’t remember precisely, but I think I got this either at Hills (RIP) on Hamilton’s west side, or the east side’s K-Mart (still in the same location today, but it’s now a “Super K-Mart”, which simply means more sweatshop workers have been exploited).  It features such rap legends as Big Daddy Kane, Biz Markie, EPMD, Jungle Brothers, Salt-N-Pepa, and Beastie Boys to name a handful.

Some curious findings: the gold sticker on the back of the case, stating emphatically “Yes! Yes!” in a royal purple font, and a little note on the insert depicting my mom’s signature handwriting stating the day I received this awesome piece of awesomeness.  My mom’s handwriting!  Now, that makes me nostalgic, wow… and for that reason, I dedicate a track from Side 2 titled “You’re Gonna Get Yours” to her right now.

Tape #5: "Rappin' Down Beat St." - (Unknown / Terrible "T"?)

This is your #1 cassette, my friends!  I got this little gem at the Big Lots in Oxford, OH at a young age.  It’s arguably one of the most bizarre and hauntingly brilliant recordings of this century.  In terms of facts, I sadly don’t have much information, outside of the title, and Golden Circle, Inc. from Stamford, CT copyrighted the material in 1985.

The rapper who uses the handle, or name Terrible “T” has a very distinctive voice… he sounds like a Dungeons & Dragons geek gone ghetto.  He raps over some of the most simplistic Casio keyboard style beats I’ve ever heard.  I love it.

Side 1 features three tracks, all very memorable in their own unique ways: “He’s Terrible”, “It’s Wack”, and “Hip Hop Rock”.  “Hip Hop Rock” is an anthem, of sorts, and the strongest song on the album.  The chorus goes as follows: “we are the masters of the rock… hip-hop!” repeat add nausea.  Side 2 is more adventurous and seriously toned, with the tremendous tracks “Life In the Ghetto”, “T’s Freestyle”, and “Girls (All Over the World)”.

If anyone has ever heard this cassette, or knows anything about the ever-elusive Terrible “T”, please forward me the information ASAP.  Thanks for taking this stroll down memory lane with me!

Rap Snacks

Life is in it’s own unique way an adventure… and much like Christopher Columbus and his many discoveries, I believe we’ve stumbled upon our very own goldmine; behold… Rap Snacks!

   

Ms. Toi – Sweeties 

Ms. Toi graces this bag’s front; wearing a choker, huge hoop earrings, and an Inglewood cut-off tee… this tells us one of two things; she’s a fashion conscious sister, or, she’s from another planet.  The chips, apparently flavored after mystery taste known only to us mere humans as “Sweeties”, is lacking in many areas.  The most obvious is… they’re inedible!  The taste coming in somewhere between sweet and savory, the overall chip lacks definition, and isn’t crunchy enough to service my chip needs.

Overall Grade: C

Lil’ Romeo – Bar-b-quin’ with my Honey 

Whoever came up with the name “Bar-b-quin’ with my Honey” is either a genius, or a mental patient.  Lil’ Romeo, loved by UPN watchers worldwide, adorns the cover… and in the background is a derivative cityscape.  These chips, as far as actual snacks go, weren’t that bad.  If, for instance, I was at a party in a bowl of these were offered for consumption… I’d easily mistake them for some generic brand BBQ chip.

Overall Grade: B

Magic – Honeydew Cheese Curls 

Magic appears on the cover of this bag, appearing as though he say… just robbed a grocery store, or perhaps mugged an old woman.  But, doesn’t he look cool?  Representing some serious “ice”, this modern day rap goliath stands defiantly… urging you to try his particular snack variety.  Although my partners strongly disagree with me, these were, in fact… my favorite!  The name itself peaked my interests to new unforeseen heights… Honeydew Cheese Curls?  If something this obscure exists than something is definitely right in this country.  The taste, although nothing like the green fruit Honeydew, is actually a lot like the other two aforementioned flavors… a very blasé BBQ with hints of ass.

Overall Grade: B+

In conclusion… these things are great.  I mean, you don’t buy these generally speaking for your lunch, or as a late night snack.  You buy these… because, well; they’re downright ridiculous!   Touted proudly as the official snack of hip-hop, it leaves me wondering what the official snacks of jazz, heavy metal, and polka might produce?  Hopefully we’ll never find out the answer to that question… I don’t think our stomachs could handle it.

Overall Grade: A-