Bag of Random 2006 Mementos

Aloha! This summer I’ll be traveling all across the country visiting and filming with various blogging buddies. That means super fun times for yours truly but also deliciously handcrafted content for you the RtW fans. In the interim I shot this crazily impromptu video where I examine the contents of a bag containing random junk, personal artifacts, and bric-a-brac a lot of which dates back to 2006 or thereabouts. So, grab a root beer or your favorite snack or legumes and spend some time with me as I whip out a dollop of detritus from the past!

TMNT Raphael Toy Review & Poetry Corner

Brian and Eddie reflect on the TMNT franchise in general as they take a stroll then turn their attention to reviewing a Raphael action figure from the new TMNT toy line. Then in another edition of RtW Poetry Corner Brian breaks from tradition and instead of regaling us with his own prose turns to one of his favorite writers Jack Kerouac and reads his "Hymn".

Air Heads - TMNT Kickin' Lime

I was in my kitchen raiding my niece’s candy collection when I stumbled upon this gem.  Free taffy is exciting enough in its own right, but, when it’s tied to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I’m ready to trade away my life’s savings just for a taste.  TMNT is enjoying a pretty legit resurgence, with the original series seeing top-notch DVD releases, a recently released CGI-animated feature film, and staggering toys sales.  Being an avid longtime fan, my only response is, “cowbunga, dude!”

My first thought upon opening up my Kickin’ Lime taffy was its bright green color.  Too light to be comparable to the turtles themselves, I instead, in my head, likened it to the mutagen chemical that originally turned them from pet store orphans to kung-fu fighting, pizza loving, wise-cracking warriors.  Then, I remembered that I’d seen this exact color before, when I reviewed the Watermelon flavor long ago.  So dashed my hopes of inspired originality, as it’s just an old retread formula.

But as a flavor, Kickin’ is certainly an appropriate title, as this taffy is full of flavor.  As far as kids go, I can’t see them being too big on the taste.  The people who I think may appreciate it, adults who’ve come to like lime with certain drinks and dishes, aren’t in a demographic that usually buys candies, especially ones with ridiculous mascots like red balloons with George Foreman’s nose.

In the end, it won’t be taste or color that’s remembered, but that Air Heads was rad enough to put out a flavor of taffy in homage to our favorite turtles.  I like to think of Michelangelo, comfortably sitting on a sofa in the sewers under Manhattan, eating a piece of Kickin’ Lime taffy while Donatello is tinkering in the background, making some last-minute repairs to April ‘O Neil’s vibrator.

Overall Grade: B 

TMNT SPEEDEEZ - Turtles vs. Nanotech Monster

When I think of chemically altered, karate studying, pizza munching turtles – I definitely think of miniature cars and other assorted vehicles.  Well, not really; but, that’s what the marketing department obviously thought, seeing as how they expected poor schmucks to purchase such an asinine idea, in a blatant example of name recognition being the key to parents’ pocketbooks.  Oh shit, hold on a minute… I actually bought this – now that’s embarrassing.  No, in all reality it’s not such a terribly bad idea; in fact, I’d like to meet the consumer who’d be able to resist that grin on Donatello’s face on the packaging, yet alone the temptation of owning a miniature Casey Jones the size your eye.

First off, let’s take a look at the Nanotech Monster.  He’s basically a giant pile of trash.  No, I don’t mean that I think he’s garbage… I’m saying he’s actually made up of it!  Hell, look at his right foot – that’s a taxicab.  If you think that’s wild, you should unscrew the protective covering over his genital region and see what he’s packing in there.

There’s our man… Casey Jones!  He’s actually too hardcore to wear a helmet, but they don’t want to give bad ideas to today’s youth.  His bike is nicely done, but his wardrobe is troubling.  I particularly am concerned with the formless brown mitts and blue shoes.  And while I’m nitpicking, I guess a gray headlight probably wouldn’t do the trick out on the road, either.

This… is a crane.  Boring, right?  Hell no!  Don’t ask me to explain myself, either – because I honestly can’t.  However, something about this miniature piece of construction equipment warmed my heart from the moment I touched it.  I found something magical in its blatant generic design and inclusion in the set, and would ride it to work if that was somehow a possibility.

Lastly, the gem of the set… the Turtles’ personal van; we’ve seen it in the comics and cartoons, and now we can have our own pickle-sized version of it to cherish forever.  I have to digress for a second before going further.  I was re-watching some of the original episodes of the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon recently, and was completely baffled and dumfounded by the origin of the Turtles’ van on that show.  They’ve got this regular everyday van in a garage, right?  Well, then Donatello walks over to it, grabs the side of the vehicle, and peals an entire side of the van off like it was aluminum foil!  Words don’t do it justice, but I mean, come on!  He walked up to a van and peeled the side of it off as easily as opening up a can of Pringles!  You know, my brain can’t properly function after reliving that; in fact, I think you’d be much better for it if you got off the Internet now, procured yourself a copy of the first season of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on DVD, and studied it instead.  It’s truly an enlightening and altogether eye-opening experience.

Overall Grade: B- 

TMNT Bubble Toons

I’m not entirely sure how the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles end up on my site so often.  Perhaps I’m charmed by their love for pizza, or, maybe it’s their knack for stopping evil by kicking it in its collective face – either way, I’m a fan ‘till the bitter end.  For Valentines Day a couple months back, my fiancé satiated my inner-nerd once again, by giving me some bubble gum that featured crude pictorial visages of my favorite green homeboys.  Surely she loves me, as nobody goes out of his or her way to purchase something this ridiculous for someone else just for the hell of it.

The packaging itself provides several solid minutes of entertainment, or perplexity, depending on what makes you tick.  They use the term “Picture Gum” as a sort of innuendo, as it’s both the start of a sentence, as well as an allusion to the gum’s unique gimmick.  The tagline states that this particular gum is “Wacky” which will surely persuade those who can’t decide if they want a chocolate bar or the gum with the goofy pictures on it.  “Let’s see – do I want to be munching on a Snickers while in traffic or incessantly chewing on a fucking mediocre rendition of a cartoon character – well, shit – I can’t decide!”

Here’s the rogues gallery – a bevy of turtles and second-rate villains.  This is apparently under the “Mutants & Monsters” sub-category, which leads me to believe there might be other series’ of this gimmick gum, but I don’t really want to find out.  The taste is strawberry, which does little for me, but there’s no alternative.

Let’s take a closer look at some of the caricatures of characters I’m considering eating.  First off, we’ve got Leonardo who appears to be praying – no, not for a new sword or the destruction of that embarrassing sex tape he made with April ‘O Neil, but that I don’t eat him first.  Next, take a look at lead villain Shredder in all of his (or if you’ve been watching the current cartoon series it’d be “her”) shiny sinewy glory.  Since Shredder’s rival, the wise rat Splinter, was so disappointingly not given his own gum caricature, I shall eat him first to restore a bit of balance in this sick world.

In perhaps the stupidest thing I’ve done yet for my website – watch me chew bubble gum.  Or, watch my teeth tear apart the nefarious Shredder – now that sounds much better!

In the end, there’s a lot going on here, but none of it really works.  The gum isn’t even good.  That’s a major issue I take with it.  Now, perhaps if the gum would have been edible, I would have had a lot more trouble finding fault – however, the gum is wretched.  It somehow manages to be too sugary yet too bland at the same time.  Now, it could be in part due to having sat around on my desk for a while, but the caricatures don’t even properly dissolve.  Even after eating the gum for twenty minutes, you’re still stuck with speckles of what was once a crude portrayal of Michelangelo.   I know that she meant well, but unbeknownst to her, I gave this “Picture Gum” to a bum outside of our building.  I asked him if he ever wanted to chew on a monster – he said he had the night prior under a bridge for $40, but would only charge me $25 seeing as I’m such a handsome guy.

Overall Grade: C- 

TMNT Leatherhead toy

The latest batches of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys have been met with mixed reactions and varying degrees of critical acclaim and commercial success.  There’s no precise scientific formula to give an accurate ratio, but let’s say the odds of getting laid in high school with the name Walter roughly equates to the number of good to bad toys.  For every Turtle Bot (featured prominently previously in an action figure story about sex) there’s a lame Stone Biter or valueless Foot Fire Mystic on store shelves giving this line a bad name.

There are various different origins for the original Leatherhead from yesteryear, the most widely accepted in the comic books being he was either mutated or transformed by witchcraft into his new leathery form, later becoming a wrestling champion amongst other things.  In the legendary cartoon, we remember him as a villain with a southern accent, and a penchant for getting miraculously nailed in the face by our hero’s kicks every time their paths crossed.  This Leatherhead is completely different though, as they’ve tweaked his origin, giving him the luxury of being the only other creature to share the same origin as the turtles themselves.  Flushed down a toilet (hopefully a ride free of fecal matter) he encountered the mysterious ooze that mutated our favorite pizza eating ninjas.  He’s got brains now, too, spending most of his life in the TCRI building with the Utroms.  Separated from his friends, he now desperately is trying to reunite with them by building a Transmat device – think interstellar elevator.

I think the best possible way to judge if this action figure works on the most basic of levels is if it’s a functioning ass-stomping crocodile.  After watching this video clip, I’d have to say this is a pretty accurate depiction of what it’d be like to cross Leatherhead in a dark alley.

How’s it rate as far as being a toy?  I’d have to say pretty well, all things considered.  He looks great, as evident by the picture above, and is a great representation of his animated counterpart.  His accessories including tendon-tenderizing teeth, slashing tail, tail armor with mace, and apparently his eyes switch from “human to reptilian” according to the package, although I can’t say there’s any truth to that statement as I’ve seen no discernable switching of the eyes.

My toy was packaged with a DVD containing an episode of the awesome cartoon series.  I won’t go into too many details, but here’s an idea of how crazy this episode was.  The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles find a group of Foot Ninja stealing a Japanese ceremonial sword from an art museum, that’s later found to hold incredible powers, like creating powerful “vibrational soundwaves”.  If that’s not crazy enough, the Foot are somehow hooking said sword up to a cannon apparatus for some “nefarious purpose” which threatens to topple most of lower-Manhattan.  Whoever they’ve got writing this shit is either a genius or deserves a stint in a psychiatric ward – either way, I commend them on a job well done.

In conclusion, this action figure would make a great addition to anyone’s collection.  If you’ve seen Leatherhead in the new cartoon, especially his origin episode, he’s been re-tooled as a very cool character hard not to like.  His toy corresponds with his size and stature well, as he’s bulky and boisterous, not entirely unlike the lunch lady that will be serving your future children.  He earned himself a spot on my desk, safeguarding my last remaining can of Luigi Berry, and as evidenced by the earlier video clip, is ready to smack a ho if needed.

Overall Grade: A- 

TMNT Chocolate Flavored Characters

Last week was Review the World’s one-year anniversary; I didn’t make a bunch of fuss about it on the site, partly because I’ve been swamped with college, but we’ve officially been around for a full year.  Fans and friends can send their support, money, tacos, old comic books, used condoms, old VHS copies of The Gate, and any other miscellany to me where I’ll receive it gladly—just e-mail me first.

Today, we’re talking about two of life’s little pleasures, chocolate, and more importantly, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  I got this item as a gift for Christmas.  It might not seem like much to the average person, which is fair, but for me, it’s little unexpected presents like this that make the holiday so much fun.  I was just as excited opening this, as I was when I beat Bionic Commando for the first time at the tender age of 8.

The box artwork is bright and superfluous, but lacking substance, much akin to the cadre of girls I dated in high school.  I do admit to the images of Michelangelo dressed as Santa Claus winning me over, garnering a big smile ever time I glimpse them.  The tagline on the front, “Fresh from the Sewer” leads me to worry a bit, though.  It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it?  Being as how we, as educated folk, don’t equate sewers with freshness.  Unless you’re sleeping with Swamp Thing, and if that’s the case, I think I can speak for all of us when I say, “that’s hot!”

Here’s our green goliath in all his glory.  Michelangelo, the comedy relief of the team, was chosen at random, to be the first chocolate turtle to become better acquainted with my mouth.  The artwork on these foil wrappers was very well done, for what it’s worth, which ultimately, is very little.

What the fuck?  Now, I’m expecting a chocolate ninja turtle, and I get… this?  What is it?  It’s like a miniature chocolate reproduction of Dracula’s casket.  I was expecting a piece of delicious chocolate featuring the likeliness of my favorite crime fighting turtle team, and instead, get a oddly shaped mockery of no discernable origin.  Maybe it’s me, like, perhaps my standards are too high; but wouldn’t you expect something more?  I can’t put it in words precisely, but just starring at that odd chunk of chocolate dumbfounds me beyond comprehension.

Mikey, you were never my favorite, but I still had a place for you in my heart.  Right next to Gonzo (Muppet Babies), Roadblock (G.I. Joe), Jazz (Transformers), Bleeding Gums Murphy (The Simpsons), and other lower-tier characters that didn’t quite have what it took to be my favorite of their respective bunches.  In your own way, I think you’d appreciate me eating this strangely shaped piece of chocolate, especially if I had used it as a pizza topping.

The chocolate was your typical, generic, Easter variety fare; nothing to write home about, but perfectly edible.  Well, that was until a few weeks later, when I went to eat Donatello and found an odd white chalky residue all over his chocolate offering.  I ate it anyway.

In conclusion, this was a swell Christmas gift, and I enjoyed receiving it and eating it.  My closing words are, come next year, seek out at least one or two items like this as small gifts to give, as they’re a lot of fun.  Your significant other’s father doesn’t want socks; get him some ginger ale and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle inspired candy, he’ll think a lot differently about you from that day forward.

Overall Grade: B- 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Postcard #2

Raphael: I guess stingrays are kind of rad.

Michelangelo: They’re totally tubular, dude!

Leonardo: Whose turn was it to buy the Trojans?

Michelangelo screams.

All: Mikey!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Postcard #1

Michaelangelo Burger King Kids Meal Toy 1989

Back in wonderful 1989 Burger King usurped McDonalds in procuring the rights to use the powerful Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles license, owned by Mirage Studios.  They used said license to unleash a fury of plastic joy onto all via using the likeliness of T.M.N.T. characters in the form of gifts inside their Kids Meals.

Today I’m going to be taking a look at Michaelangeo’s toy.  First off, it’s ridiculously simple, although you can’t entirely hold that against it due to the fact it’s a run-of-the-mill Kids Meal toy.  The basic gist of the toy’s entertainment value can be summed up almost as quickly as that very entertainment wears off.  It’s Michaelangeo’s upper-torso, and when you push his right arm inwards, it disappears and the word “COWABUNGA” appears over his shoulder.  Sounds great, right?  Wrong.

The mold itself isn’t that bad, but there’s a few obvious flaws.  One, Michaelangeo looks crosseyed.  Secondly, take a look at the chain that holds his nunchakus together.  It’s gold!  I think bling-bling martial arts weapons were a little ahead of their time back then.

Other than that, it’s a pretty cool collectible for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan.  I think, however, that if Burger King wanted to really capitalize on the series, they should have instead made miniature action figures of the characters, opposed to these silly statuesque oddities.

I gave this item a B- practically out of nostalgia factor alone.  As evident by the photos, this is no masterpiece.  But, anything from the 1980's bearing our favorite mutated turtles is worth keeping around.  Cowabunga, indeed!

Overall Grade: B- 

TMNT - Toddler Turtles

The toy gods have finally spoken, and they’ve let it be known that we’ve been a very loyal and appreciative group, and thus awarded us with what we’ve always dreamt of… baby ninja turtles!

I don’t care if you ride a motorcycle and your name is Butch; these things are freaking adorable!  Here, our beloved turtles “are in their earliest stages of ninja training”.  The back of the box points out some highlights; including eager expressions, funky full-head bandanas, and punch-absorbing way-phat baby fat.  Those are the words of the marketing department, not mine!

All four characters have their own unique signature weapons giving us a glimpse of what the future holds; training sai, bo staff, katana sword, and nunchaku.   The action figures have somewhat limited mobility, the arms and legs do move, but only marginally.  However, the design, both in terms of sculpture and paint is flawless.  These things would make great toys for youths, or inspired desk decorations for the more adult crowed.

I truly like these, and think that they’re something most fellow TMNT fans will also appreciate.  You get all four toddler turtles for the price of one standard action figure, which is swell, and you can always go back to the toy store and pick up villain Razor Fist next time… nobody else is buying him.

I wanted to see how an animal would react to these; that is, if their charm would have the same effect on a canine as it did with myself.  Well, judging from the accompanying pictures above… you can make your own decision.  Now, if I could just get my hands on some of that mutagen stuff that bathed and chemically altered the turtles, I could create my very own radical samurai dog!

Overall Grade: A 

TMNT – Hun toy

I love Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  When the new cartoon series debuted I was anticipating it severely.  Not only did we get to see our old favorite characters return, but we were also introduced to a whole new batch.  One of the standouts is this character, Hun, who’s Shredder’s right-hand man.  Hun commands Shredder’s army of Foot Ninja, the “vicious ground forces” of the Foot Clan.  Shredder handpicked Hun when he was a “young street punk” running with the infamous Purple Dragon Gang.  His character on the animated series is awesome… watching him follow through Shredder’s devious plans and battling the turtles themselves in hand-to-hand combat.

The toy?  It’s also very cool.  Hun’s hulking size is demonstrated well, as he’s just huge.  He’s got his original Purple Dragon Gang tattoo, which is a nice attention to detail.  The left arm features “Dragon Punch action” which is the popular old school gimmick where you can pull an arm back and hit a button to release it giving the illusion of the toy throwing a punch.  Hun also comes with two snap-on “Dragon Arm Gauntlets” that are great.  They look extremely cool, and are simple to put on or remove.

This really is a great piece, and a nice villain toy to accompany the hero turtles for battling action.  Hun’s not the most dimensional character in the series, but he’s a great brute force presence, and the toy is an excellent representation of the animated version.

Overall Grade: A- 

TMNT: Battle Nexus – Ultimate Daimyo

First off, let me just state… Ultimate Daimyo rocks balls.  In the cartoon, Daimyo, close friend of Splinter, is a centuries old victor of ancient battles, and now oversees the famed Battle Nexus fighting tournaments.  His son, Ultimate Ninja, is a disgraceful little shit, and we’ll leave it at that.

This character and his subsequent action figure… where do I begin?  Let’s look at his accessories, shall we?  First off, let’s talk about his War Staff of Ultimate Power… not just any power, my friends; ultimate power bitch!  Any dude able to carry a staff of that magnitude is a hero in my book.  The back of the package points at other nice points; such as his ceremonial cape, setta (sandals), battle kimono, warrior’s waist belt, and my personal favorite… his mystical mane!  How cool is that?  Even his hair has power!  Lastly, you’ve got to mention the three Mempo Masks from the Ancient Gallery.  Kids, forget your papier-mâché Halloween masks… if you really want to scare someone, pop on one of those bad boys!  Booyah.

To sum all of this up… I love this figure.  He’s not very mobile; in fact, the toy is pretty stiff and basic.  The accessories really make it, though, especially the masks and the goofy hair.  This character, admittedly not the most popular or well known is actually an integral piece of the storyline on the cartoon, and I was glad to see a figure be produced.  I love you Ultimate Daimyo.

Do not make any Don King jokes… unless you want kicked in the throat.

Overall Grade: A+ 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Pizza Party by Eleanor Hudson

This book, apparently a “Step 1” book, meaning it’s got incredibly large type and simple vocabulary for the youngest of readers, is simply stated… amazing.  It’s an achievement of the highest order in the literature world.  Our four turtle pals are bored, there’s no crime to fight and it’s a beautiful day outside.  Thus, the game plan is a genuine pizza party.  The pies?  One ham, one jam, one cheese, and one… dare I say, peas?  That’s absolutely correct.  In their trademark disguise trench coats our heroes go to the surface, only, when they arrive at the local pizza parlor, it’s being robbed!  After they make quick work of the would-be robbers, they disappointingly find out that the restaurant is out of ham, jam, cheese, and would you believe it, peas!  They, understandably dejected, go back to the sewer where Splinter whips up some homemade slices, giving us our obligatory happy ending.  The moral of the story is muddled, at best; but the end result is a fun lighthearted book that I found relatively unscathed at a thrift store that was so trashed it resembled a buffet after Bebop and Rocksteady visited it.

  

Overall Grade: A