Monday, August 7, 2006

TMNT SPEEDEEZ - Turtles vs. Nanotech Monster

When I think of chemically altered, karate studying, pizza munching turtles – I definitely think of miniature cars and other assorted vehicles.  Well, not really; but, that’s what the marketing department obviously thought, seeing as how they expected poor schmucks to purchase such an asinine idea, in a blatant example of name recognition being the key to parents’ pocketbooks.  Oh shit, hold on a minute… I actually bought this – now that’s embarrassing.  No, in all reality it’s not such a terribly bad idea; in fact, I’d like to meet the consumer who’d be able to resist that grin on Donatello’s face on the packaging, yet alone the temptation of owning a miniature Casey Jones the size your eye.

First off, let’s take a look at the Nanotech Monster.  He’s basically a giant pile of trash.  No, I don’t mean that I think he’s garbage… I’m saying he’s actually made up of it!  Hell, look at his right foot – that’s a taxicab.  If you think that’s wild, you should unscrew the protective covering over his genital region and see what he’s packing in there.

There’s our man… Casey Jones!  He’s actually too hardcore to wear a helmet, but they don’t want to give bad ideas to today’s youth.  His bike is nicely done, but his wardrobe is troubling.  I particularly am concerned with the formless brown mitts and blue shoes.  And while I’m nitpicking, I guess a gray headlight probably wouldn’t do the trick out on the road, either.

This… is a crane.  Boring, right?  Hell no!  Don’t ask me to explain myself, either – because I honestly can’t.  However, something about this miniature piece of construction equipment warmed my heart from the moment I touched it.  I found something magical in its blatant generic design and inclusion in the set, and would ride it to work if that was somehow a possibility.

Lastly, the gem of the set… the Turtles’ personal van; we’ve seen it in the comics and cartoons, and now we can have our own pickle-sized version of it to cherish forever.  I have to digress for a second before going further.  I was re-watching some of the original episodes of the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon recently, and was completely baffled and dumfounded by the origin of the Turtles’ van on that show.  They’ve got this regular everyday van in a garage, right?  Well, then Donatello walks over to it, grabs the side of the vehicle, and peals an entire side of the van off like it was aluminum foil!  Words don’t do it justice, but I mean, come on!  He walked up to a van and peeled the side of it off as easily as opening up a can of Pringles!  You know, my brain can’t properly function after reliving that; in fact, I think you’d be much better for it if you got off the Internet now, procured yourself a copy of the first season of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on DVD, and studied it instead.  It’s truly an enlightening and altogether eye-opening experience.

Overall Grade: B- 

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