Go! Road Trip #2

On their second, spontaneous road trip adventure, Brian, joined by Paul and his then girlfriend Beth, meet a kindred spirit in a search for authentic BBQ, run directly into a gay pride parade, and explore one of the most fun and cool, yet simultaneously bizarre and creepy toy stores in the universe.

Go! Road Trip #1

Brian and Paul hit the road in this series' debut. They start off with some beverages, make their way to Cheviot and explore convenience and candy stores, drive into the suburbs of Cincinnati, find a really old pharmacy, sample the goods at a small bakery, visit a sauna-like comic book store, encounter The Cryptkeeper, discover a double-decker White Castle, end up in Cleves, grab a cup of coffee at a diner, and more!

Energy Drink Challenge

My friend and site contributor Paul had been discussing an idea that’d germinated in his head long ago of an epic, colossal energy drink challenge.  In it, they’d pit the most popular and beloved of the beverage world’s rebellious brethren against some of the seediest and surreal unknown entries in the world of energy drinks.

It’s a five-on-five energy drink throwdown for taste and packaging supremacy!  Who will be the winners?  Will Paul and Brian live through the war?  Enjoy!

Team Mainstream 

vs.

Team Unknowns 

Video #1: The Reviews (9:41) 

Video #2: The Reviews (9:29) 

Video #3: The Reviews (9:45) 

Video #4: The Reviews (9:18)

Video #5: The Aftermath (4:42)

After sampling all of the drinks and making their verdict, Brian and Paul get the nefarious idea of mixing all of the beverages together to create the ultimate energy cocktail.  The results are shocking.  Watch and see!

Video #6: Bonus Footage (9:55)

Bonus footage from the night of the first-ever Energy Drink Challenge includes reviews of two Thailand energy drinks (M-150 and Dark Scorpion) and  Zapps’ Voodoo Gumbo and Spicy Cajun Crawtators potato chips!

A Surprise for a Boy

You’ve maybe seen bags, or sacks, think I like sacks better, in dollar stores promising mysteries for both boys and girls alike.  As a kid, the gimmick worked, you’re damned curious about the contents of the bag, and certain they’re worth well more than the measly $1 price tag would suggest.  Paper bags, usually reserved for holding your packed lunch, became somehow suddenly cooler and more desirable than cotton candy or that weird sensation you felt when at the public pool you’d stand against the vent that shot out a constant stream of warm water against your genitals.

Well, the mystique is gone; behold the contents of the marvelously mysterious surprise bag…

A deck of playing cards that’d already been opened and sort of smelt like those secretive poker games seen in movies played in the backroom of Chinese restaurants in New York where crime deals are birthed.  The cards themselves feel ancient, the paper coarse, as if once handled by Henry II, Duke of Bavaria, in-between revolts and attempted throne usurping.

The pencil doesn’t do much for me.  I don’t have a sharpener lying around the apartment; so, it’ll have to serve some other purpose.  It has random words on it, including “WAY COOL!” which ironically is its complete opposite.

This eraser reminded me of the purplish blue prehensile tongue of the okapi.  I find this correlation to be troubling but I’ll leave it be.

I found something to do with the pencil.  It makes for a perfectly fine cat-poking tool!

This one is really confusing.  I mean, is this a cookie cutter?  I think it is, but I’m not really sure.  And why is it in the shape of a fish?  Don’t get me wrong; I’m a huge backer of aquariums and the exotic allure of the deep blue see.  But, a bunch of fish-shaped oatmeal cookies?  Show me the young boy who desires a fish-shaped cookie cutter and I’ll show you an alien in a child costume playing you for a fool.

This one’s really lame.  For starters, they don’t glow, not at all.  Secondly, it seems a bit dangerous, even with a printed warning, to encourage kids to put something so small and potentially dangerous into their sugar-sated mouths.  I suppose you could take your newborn into a rave and his mouth would glow faintly while the bad techno ruined their delicate ears as you danced and ate pills with Fernando and a couple of his friends from Biology 112.

This bag was surprising.  Surprisingly awful!  I think I’ll go play with my cat now.

Overall Grade: D 

Our Magical Days at Disney

This is Brian from Review the World! My wife, Amanda, put together her first edited video and I wanted to share it with everybody:

"This video is a collection of bits and pieces of our Disney trips. My husband and I are big fans and we go every year."

Super Hero Valentine's Day Cards

Valentine’s Day is here again!  Get out the roses, chocolates, and lubricant!  Is it a romantic holiday, or, something more nefarious?  Could it be an ingenious marketing ploy by the card companies like Hallmark?  Who knows, or really cares, because if you’re like me, it’s an excellent excuse to get out of the house with a loved one, go out to a fancy dinner, and remind ourselves that love and humor are two things that make us uniquely human and should be celebrated.  What do superheroes have to do with Valentine’s?  Well, besides most heroes having significant others in the comics, not a lot, but when it comes down to children’s Valentine’s cards there’s not a lot of other, more accurate, choices for boys.

So, with that said, we’re going to take a look at some of what I found to be the oddest of the odd.  I have found memories of elementary school, I’d like to think I was relatively popular with the young ladies, and received a rather large pile of cards on my desk.  I wonder if anyone will be receiving these heroic cards on the special day?

Iron Man burst into theaters last year, making huge box office dollars, and blowing peoples’ minds.  Due to that movie’s overwhelming success, Iron Man merchandise isn’t too hard to find, so it’s no surprise he’d make his Valentine’s debut this year.  On the left card we’re told to have a “heavy metal” V-Day (which I’ll now be lovingly referring to it as).  Really?  Headbanging hyjinks aside, I never really thought metal and pink flowers went together, but even Slayer fans fall in love!  To the right, a “high-flying” V-Day is wished for us, the first of many cards we’ll see in this article that I find to subtly imply drug-use on V-Day.

“Target: Engaged!”  Seriously?  Holy shit!  I’m just trying to take this girl out for salad, steak, and sodomy, dude!  I’m not looking to get my torso blown into bits.  Is this a threatening V-Day card, or what?

So, when they say, “Armor Up!” are they saying, “Wear a condom!”?  And lastly, is Valentine’s Day supposed to be “thrilling”?  Sure, maybe the heart might beat a bit faster, as you lean forward for a special kiss, but when I think thrilling I’m imaging car chases, explosions, and pirates and cowboys playing Checkers with hand grenades.

My V-Day cards came with a poster and stickers!  Thanks Tony Stark, you damn drunk!

So, remember what I said above about these cards hinting at carefree drug-use?  I rest my case.

“Your secrets are safe!”  Notice the exclamation point?  Who’d be the recipient of one of those bad boys?  I’d be kind of freaked out, personally.  And then, “harness the power”, which befuddles me.  Really, I’m drawing a blank on this one’s relevance to anybody without super powers of their own.

This was an extra big V-Day card, and, I decorated it appropriately with a sticker-covered crotch.

The Superman cards came with tons of temporary tattoos.  Well, I suppose the iconic logo gets permanently tattooed on plenty of hapless halfwits, but at least give us the original, not the bastardized movie version.

The Incredible Hulk is known for his anger issues, but wow, his V-Day cards are just criminally un-romantic.  You hope “it’s a blast”?  You mean, like the one Bruce Banner was involved in, that soaked him in gamma radiation, thus turning him into a green psychopath with the most complicated life imaginable?  No thanks!  “Feel your pulse rising!” ladies!  Or, don’t, because if you get one of these it’s likely to be met with a lukewarm reaction like a biopic on Notorious B.I.G.

I don’t think any females want their male counterparts to have “raging” good times on V-Day; that’d likely entail police violations, unabashed lawlessness, and utter anarchy.  Check please!  “Hulk out!”  This is a joke, right?  I sure hope so, because I just picked myself up from the floor where I writhed in a fit of laughter at the mere thought of that being a suitable V-Day card for anyone not locked in a psychiatric ward.

I think getting and/or receiving a “Have an incredible smash!” card is a precursor to future spousal abuse.  And lastly, “Paint the town green!”  I’m not sure what this implies.  So, I guess we’ll take it literally, and do the following to our families and friends:

Sorry, Joshua, the V-Day card Cindy gave me told me to do it!

Well, as I write this, my wife is working an overnight shift, so I’ve prepared her a V-Day surprise in her absence.  Behold a kitchen cabinet pre-Valentine’s magic—now open the door slowly…

Look out!  Yes, Hulk will be jumping into our faces whenever we need a glass or bowl for now on.  Or, until my wife tears down this crudely produced novelty poster and tosses it in the garbage.

Crayola Silly Scents pencils

I was at a strip mall with my wife, and while she shopped for nursing scrubs at one store, I took the chance to escape off to a different one.  Finding myself in an national office supplies store, I strolled through the aisles passively, occasionally taking time to sit in an office chair and spin around, or flip through the dozens of varieties of neon-colored paper.  I'd pretty much given up on my adventure when I stumbled upon these...

Silly Scents "fun-smelling" pencils from Crayola!  These were discounted, and also available in a crayon variety, which in retrospect, may have been a better option.  The crayons came in a box of sixteen, featuring some colors/flavors not included in my package, such as Alien Armpit and Sunburnt Cyclops.

I remember having scented markers growing up, as shown above, and they were pretty much the greatest things in the history of man.  Besides having all the functionality of standard markers, the smells actually worked, and were typically so sublime I'd often come out of my bedroom at dinnertime and arrive at the kitchen table with colored marks on my nose to the confusion of my parents.

I'm going to look at each of the names, colors, and scents separately.  Let's get sniffing!

Being a big fan of seafood, lady Lobster Lips certainly spoke to me, and I was hoping for an aroma akin to the smell of the interior of a Red Lobster restaurant.  Lips' wardrobe is divine, complete with a green hat adorned by a flower, to show her playful side, and finishing off with a matching handbag and orange high heels.  Watch out town, it's ladies night and Lobster Lips fees alright!  Now, in terms of smell, I'd have to say "rose" is the closest conceivable comparison I could make.  It's kind of a nice scent, like perfume, perhaps signaling Lobster Lips' favorite fragrance when she's out at the club.  The shade of red is great, as a child red was my favorite color, and this definitely does my childhood champion justice.

Our pal Ghoulish looks like a troubled, pixelated soul, with angry, yellow eyes, and gigantic teeth that look capable of chaotic chomping.  He's easily the least friendly looking of the bunch, and I wonder if that quality will be apparent in his scent, too.  It's a good thing I'm doing this in the privacy of my apartment, as if I was seen in public sniffing pieces of paper and laughing hysterically I'd probably be locked up.  Well, in what I feel is an ominous sign of things to come, the smell here is almost indistinguishable, still fragrant in that artificial perfume-like way, with touches of oak and spice.  You'd think graham cracker would be a pretty easy scent to recreate--but apparently not.  In terms of color, it's not even a nice, solid brown, but more a brown/red amalgam that does little for my artistic palette.

Sasquatch looks awesome, preparing to go for a jog, rocking some vintage red Converse shoes.  He also sports bed ruffled hair and a serious overbite.  This is the type of Sasquatch that, if encountered in public, you wouldn't run away from, but instead have over for tea and cranberry scones.  His smell is either floral or like cleaning solution, much alike the first two, and dreadfully I'd wager similar to the rest of these.  I was hoping for some funky gym sock must.  His color is fine, though, a nice, bright orange that'd come in handy around Halloween time.

Monkey must be like some type of mascot, as he's pictured largely on the back of the package, but if you think that means he's going to have a more discernible scent, you're totally wrong.  While my brain seems to want to believe there's some citrus involved, that's likely just a mental connection with its yellow color, ultimately this just smells like floral perfume like the others.  What gives, Crayola?  Monkey has a silly hat on, and is whistling like a goof, so we're led to believe he's a playful mammal, yet one whose breath apparently reeks of lilacs. 

Starting the second-half of the pencils, we take a turn for the better, as I really, really like Fairy Tale Forest.  Now, if they'd went with a full-on Christmas theme, as I'd wrongly presumed, it'd be near perfect.  In terms of scent, not drastically different from its fragrant brethren, but similar enough to the pine smell of a fresh Christmas tree to work magic on my senses.  The character itself is kind of lame, just a rabidly cheerful tree, but I seriously dig the color, my favorite by far, a real deep, forest green that I'll be keeping around.

I love the name, sounds like a bad, middle school, garage band's name.  "We're Zombie Laundry, and we're here to fuck some ass!"  "Gross, Billy, asses are disgusting" says the drummer Todd, "forget practice, let's go eat some junk food and play video games!"  The smell?  You guessed it--like old ass perfume.  But there's kind of a hint of laundry detergent (at least that's what I want to believe) that makes this one a touch cooler than the others.  I really like the color, too, very similar to denim jeans and runner-up in that category.  The character's awesome as well, a disgruntled and annoyed zombie, sent to do the laundry when he'd rather relax after a long day at work.  The mental image this concocts is worth the price of these pencils alone.

At this point my cat Tomo wanted to know what I was doing sniffing stuff on the kitchen table and came to get a closer look and investigate.

Not a huge fan of the character, a little too gross for this set, and would be better suited in the Garbage Pail Kids line.  The idea of a fairy in a thrift store dress, sporting some rotten ass teeth, just creeps me right the fuck out.  The color is nice, a deep purple that has some versatility, continuing the streak of three really great colors in a row.  The smell is, once again, floral and fragrant, with a slight possibility of some berry thrown in there, too.  Yes, Tomo is trying to eat the pencil...

This one's pretty disgusting, too, but a lot more fun.  A giant ogre, knee-deep in his own green, vile, snot ooze.  Kids will love it!  I can just imagine the pitch meeting at Crayola corporate headquarters.  This is about as equally offensive as the chili shit I forgot to flush at my cousin's house last weekend--sorry, bro!  This one smell's like coal and railroad worker sweat--just kidding, it smells exactly like the rest of these indistinguishable scent whores.

I think the illustrated version of me says it all...