Saturday, June 13, 2020

Chips Ahoy! Sour Patch Kids

A month or so ago I was doing a routine grocery run. While picking up my usual items, some beef jerky and snacks for those late nights watching movies or UFC events, my kids’ favorite edibles (strictly of the Teddy Graham variety, no hallucinogens here), I stumbled upon an item in the cookie aisle that made my face aglow like a child actor in an ‘80’s TV ad. Chips Ahoy! Sour Patch Kids unbelievably existed and I’d found them in the wild.

I quickly took to Twitter to deliver a slap that’d make “Dr. D” David Schultz proud. I posted my findings not knowing that the majority of my friends and followers had never even knew of their existence! But neither had I until seconds prior. I believe the last time I had a junk food scoop of that magnitude was when we were first to cover the Jones Soda Easter flavors (editor’s note: still a personal favorite video, our energy level was through the roof).

These days the preferred format of RtW tomfoolery is video content but with the tragic pandemic halting life as we formerly knew it these cookies sat atop my fridge for far too long. So today I unsheathed these bakery boys from their slumber and prepared myself for an awkward encounter. This is far from the first time Sour Patch has appeared on my beloved blog. Just last Fall my children joined me for a review of Sour Patch Cereal, back in May of 2018 while in the Texas heat I sampled Sour Patch Kids Fire with friends, and atop a rooftop in downtown Hamilton, OH I was joined by buddy Nick to investigate Extreme Sour Patch Kids.

All pretense aside I know you’re here predominantly because you want to know how these monstrosities taste. I’m going to jump right out in say in flavor they’re somewhere between licking in-between Moss Man’s toes and snorting sour powdered candy with Goldenrod. These are an epic misfire. Which, maybe, makes them even more memorable? The Sour Patch cereal referenced above was begrudgingly edible, hell, my kids genuinely liked it! But these cookies are putrid pieces of poopy awash in garishly colored candy chips. You see the green chip near the bottom? Those are fairly fine, and I foolishly expected the cookies to be traditional Chips Ahoy! with a few “sour” chips mixed in for fun. Where these step off the cliff into uneatable territory is the rubber bits of actual Sour Patch Kids gummies! See the orange rubbery pieces near the top of the cookie? That’s actual gummy candy inside a cookie. The incongruity of crunchy cookies melded with chewy, sticky candy is one I’ll likely not soon forget. I’m about as least a picky eater as you’ll find but I only needed one of these cookies to forever close the book on their rancidness.

In closing, their legacy may be miniscule, these haven’t appeared to have made much a dent or impact on the online circles I frequent. But nobody can deny their batshit insanity. We’ve seen cookie companies like Oreo bastardize their good name unloading untold amounts of odd varieties onto store shelves but Chips Ahoy! has outdone them all. I let Godzilla do the Humpty Dance on them until they were crumbs.

Overall Grade: C-

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